Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tied into commitment made a year ago

217 replies

UntilThenAndTen · 27/02/2024 18:50

I share one nursery aged DC with DH who also shares a primary aged child with his ex partner.

I work from home as a self employed accountant but at the time this was agreed I was on maternity leave with DC.

DH shares custody 50:50, one week on one week off.

DSCs mum used to rely on a relative to collect DSC from school on her days as she was working. Unfortunately said relative passed away around a year ago. At the time as there was a lot of stuff going on and it was quite sudden, I agreed I would help by dropping and collecting DSC on mums days, she would drop him off wirh me on the way to work and then in the afternoon id bring him back here and she would collect him on her way home from work about 5:30.

I am now back working and this just isn't working for me anymore. Technically yes I am home and self employed so could work my day around a school run if necessary but I don't feel I should have to anymore. My mother will often help by collecting our DC from nursery so I can work and instead I'm running out morning and afternoon to drop and collect DSS.

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

School does not have a good or reliable breakfast / after school provision so far as I'm told.

This even in the past has leaked into me ending up with DSS when he's unwell and sent home etc.. and now I'm back working it's just not working for me.

DH suggested I ask my mum to also collect DSS when she collects our DC but I don't feel this is fair. They aren't massively close and I know my mum enjoys the time she gets with DC on these days.

Aibu to push on and insist this stops so I can concentrate on my own job now?

OP posts:
fakeprofile · 28/02/2024 09:56

Massive CFs, the ex and your DH, but I’d be more angry at your DH for not having your back! It’s his responsibility to sort, not yours or your mum’s ffs.

IamfeelingSad · 28/02/2024 10:19

This is such a shame - you extend yourself to help as you are being kind and now they are taking you for granted and making this your problem. Is your partner like this with other things?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 28/02/2024 10:21

I'd be really annoyed at both your DH and his ex-DW for putting this on you, and I wouldn't do it anymore. You've been far too kind already. Let them both sort out childcare for their son.

MumHereAgain2023 · 28/02/2024 10:25

No way you helped out at the time which was very generous of you.
Now it's not suitable so it's not your problem.
The mother needs to sort out her own childcare like the rest of us!

JCLV · 28/02/2024 10:25

This is totally out for order and its unfair of your husband to emotionally blackmail you by saying you 'committed' to it. You didn't. You offered to help out while you were on maternity leave. It is their problem to sort out. There are child care options out there and you shouldn't have to look after him if he is ill.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 28/02/2024 10:37

Things change. You helped for a while. Interesting that your DH has suggestions about how YOU can make this work. Its up to him to sort it.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/02/2024 10:42

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

You need to see you are sorry you did offer as you didn’t realise they thought you were signing up for life.

She needs to find an after school childminder.

I can see why she is trying it on-she has no loyalty to you, but your husband should have your back here!

Noshowlomo · 28/02/2024 10:48

@Shinyandnew1 said it perfectly- were you signing up for life? Was it a contract for the whole of his school life. Things change, you work. Ask why their work is more important than yours.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/02/2024 10:50

I can’t believe anyone could think you are being unreasonable.

Of course things have changed now you’re back at work. And of course you aren’t their permanent, regular, free childcare. The parents need to sort something between them. You need to stick to your guns.

Volunteering your Mum indeed!

toomuchfaff · 28/02/2024 10:56

I'm sorry but you are allowed to reassess your commitments when situations change. Your situation has changed and the temporary solution you suggested to help no longer works and they need to find an alternate arrangement.

I'd give X amount of notice - and from that point the arrangements need to be made.

DH can get to fk putting the ex above you and your ask that this situation needs to change. He would be told in no uncertain terms that you did this as a favour and its no longer convenient to you.

DelightSquish · 28/02/2024 10:58

Not your problem to solve and quite frankly both of them should be grateful that you have done this for a year. Things change and now your Dh's ex needs to come up with a solution for her childcare issue on her week.

britnay · 28/02/2024 11:18

Sounds like they need to sort out a childminder.

Luddite26 · 28/02/2024 11:21

Two words
Cheeky Fuckery.
YANBU.

pokebowls · 28/02/2024 11:24

@cheddercherry

you’ve misunderstood the connection. This isn’t her current partners child OR the OP’s child…. It’s the EX husband’s NEW partners child. So not even the OP’s stepchild, but her ex’s child and really absolutely not her responsibility. She very kindly offered to help short term and is now being made to feel awful for even stepping in when she didn’t have to.

You seem confused. The child is the OPs SC

GinForBreakfast · 28/02/2024 11:40

Takenoprisoner · 28/02/2024 08:10

19 or 20 times?? how did you arrive at that figure? the op does every other week, so a full week's worth of dropping off and picking up, disrupting her work day, something she doesn't do for her own child.

Show quote history

Ah - ignore me - I thought it was just one day, every other week. In that case - YANBU OP. At all. Sorry!

Assume that maintenance is not figured into the calculation of all the extra time you have him?

FictionalCharacter · 28/02/2024 11:44

UntilThenAndTen · 27/02/2024 19:14

DH does do it the week DSS is with us. But he works longer hours the week after to make up for leaving early hence why he can't then do it during mums week too. So it is only every other week but still it's not working for me anymore.

It still isn’t YOUR problem. yanbu at all and your husband should be supporting you, not expecting you to do favours for his ex-wife.

libbylane · 28/02/2024 11:48

For those who think it's strange to do, I have a friend who does this with her stepson, she does before/after care on the weeks he is with his Mum. When she married dh she decided in all circumstances she'd treat him no differently and they have a fab co-parenting relationship. BUT it works for her b/c she works part time and the days she works their other childcare does the pick up (part time baby-sitter 2 days/week).

I'd just let them know now you are working again you aren't available 8-4 or whatever your hours are. Treat WFH no different to being in the office.

Most parents of primary school children work, I'm not sure I believe there are no other options. Wrap around/breakfast club can't really be unreliable as I imagine many people rely on it. Maybe it just isn't available every day? A friend could only get 3 days/week recently when she increased her hours. But 3 days/week is better than none!

Hotgirlwinter · 28/02/2024 11:50

The obvious answer here is paid childcare. A childminder or appropriate nursery setting (a lot of private nurseries have before & after school care for up to Y6 age).

If it doesn’t work it doesn’t work and making a commitment doesn’t mean that things can never change? He committed to a relationship with his kids mum but clearly something changed…..

I wouldn’t feel bad, I would give plenty of notice but I’d be clearly saying from X term I am not able to do the daily school runs sorry

It is a piss take, I appreciate it’s really hard for parents to accommodate shifts and stuff but free childcare isn’t an entitlement - she needs to pay for it like anyone who doesn’t have family waiting in the wings does

LaCouleurDeMonCiel · 28/02/2024 12:15

Fedupmumofadultsons · 28/02/2024 07:36

Sorry but yabu you are acting like this is some random child and some of the other comments from mumsneters are frankly vile ..this is not your problem not your child
.jesus you married a man with a child that means some sort of commitment to the child as well It's your husband's child your child's sibling. Honestly it makes me feel so sad to hear grown up women going to treat a child like a total inconvenience.

I assume you are talking about the child’s mum?

Because OP saying she can’t do the school runs because she works is exactly the same reason than the mum is giving…
Dad is doing it one week, mum should do it the other. Simple.

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2024 12:28

Unreliable breakfast club =
"I don't want to to pay when ex's new wife could do it for free".

Dontcallmescarface · 28/02/2024 12:37

Fedupmumofadultsons · 28/02/2024 07:36

Sorry but yabu you are acting like this is some random child and some of the other comments from mumsneters are frankly vile ..this is not your problem not your child
.jesus you married a man with a child that means some sort of commitment to the child as well It's your husband's child your child's sibling. Honestly it makes me feel so sad to hear grown up women going to treat a child like a total inconvenience.

Explain why the OP's commitment to the child should be greater than the child's own mother.

Op can't do the school run as she is working......what's the mother's reasoning....oh yeah, she's working.
Op can't take the child when ill off school because she's working......the same reason as the mother.

Why is it ok for the mother to not do things for her own child because she's working, but it's not ok for the OP when the reason is the same?

xcski · 28/02/2024 12:41

YANBU. It's ridiculous.
Give them a date when it will be stopping and stick to it.
It's on the week the Mum is meant to have the child so it's up to her to find a solution rather than dumping the problem on her ex's wife.
You offered to do something as a temporary solution when the mum was going through a bereavement. You can't keep doing this forever until they decide the child is old enough to not need picking up.
Unfortunately some people treat self-employed people working from home as if they can simply drop everything at the drop of a hat because after all "They're just hanging round the house all day". I'm also self-employed. It's disruptive having to go and collect someone else's child and then care for said child until his mother shows up to collect him.
Stick to your guns on this one. It's the child's mum's problem to solve, with support from your DH who is the child's father.

funinthesun19 · 28/02/2024 12:50

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

Ungrateful bastards
You helped them out with their kid (mainly helped her as it was her days!), and they’re whining on now saying you shouldn’t have helped them as much as you did. As though you have inconvenienced them this past year by helping them and made it harder for them now.

Surely they knew it would come to an end eventually and that this whole thing was only temporary? Their mum should have been back doing it herself MONTHS ago. And yet she had the cheek to have you commit to it and is also now complaining because you committed to it. 🤯

Best of luck to you Op. Being a stepmum while dealing with parents like that is bloody hard work. Stick to your guns!

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 28/02/2024 13:04

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2024 12:28

Unreliable breakfast club =
"I don't want to to pay when ex's new wife could do it for free".

You don't know that though

In my kids school there are not enough places - not for both mornings and afternoons and not for 5 days. And most places will say you have to pay for every school day so she'd have to pay for the weeks he's with the dad ....

Or maybe if I were her I'd say - the kid will be going to before/after school to suit the OP and the dad will have to pay for "his" weeks 🤔 even if he doesn't use them since it's all or nothing

ittakes2 · 28/02/2024 13:06

I am one of those children who see stepchildren on par with biological children - but if this was your biological child interfering with work you would put them in childcare so I see no difference doing this with your stepchild.
The only thing I would encourage is your mum building a close relationship with your stepchild. You would have seen the threads where if a grandparent does not have a close relationship with stepchildren it goes pear shaped when they are older.

Swipe left for the next trending thread