Tied into commitment made a year ago

[UntilThenAndTen]

I share one nursery aged DC with DH who also shares a primary aged child with his ex partner.

I work from home as a self employed accountant but at the time this was agreed I was on maternity leave with DC.

DH shares custody 50:50, one week on one week off.

DSCs mum used to rely on a relative to collect DSC from school on her days as she was working. Unfortunately said relative passed away around a year ago. At the time as there was a lot of stuff going on and it was quite sudden, I agreed I would help by dropping and collecting DSC on mums days, she would drop him off wirh me on the way to work and then in the afternoon id bring him back here and she would collect him on her way home from work about 5:30.

I am now back working and this just isn't working for me anymore. Technically yes I am home and self employed so could work my day around a school run if necessary but I don't feel I should have to anymore. My mother will often help by collecting our DC from nursery so I can work and instead I'm running out morning and afternoon to drop and collect DSS.

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

School does not have a good or reliable breakfast / after school provision so far as I'm told.

This even in the past has leaked into me ending up with DSS when he's unwell and sent home etc.. and now I'm back working it's just not working for me.

DH suggested I ask my mum to also collect DSS when she collects our DC but I don't feel this is fair. They aren't massively close and I know my mum enjoys the time she gets with DC on these days.

Aibu to push on and insist this stops so I can concentrate on my own job now?

I strongly agree with the 96%. Definitely not unreasonable

the kid will be going to before/after school to suit the OP

Too right it suits the OP. God forbid the mum takes responsibility for her own kid so OP doesn’t have to!

Who does the summer holiday childcare? I think that you could ask your Mum, but it's fine for her to say no. I'd do it until July. Then they need to find someone for September. How many more years is pickup needed for?

Oh no! After school care!! My neighbours kids go to after school care, I guess it’s because I won’t pick them up. I’m such a shit person 😞 actually, my own kids go to after school care most days and I wfh some days too. Im a shit mum too I guess 😞.
They aren’t her children.

I don't want to ask my mum as I think she'd feel obliged to say yes as it's just who she is but I know she'd not really want to as she enjoys spending the time with her GC.

Summer holidays is another hassle. Mum and dad do take time off but I was also relied on for some of that last year too, however I was on maternity then. This year I have already said they'll have to make sure they can cover the whole time. Our DC will be in nursery so no school holidays so I won't be taking time off to look after DSS for them. As I'm SE it's important I work when I can.

Will it cause friction in your marriage when you tell your husband you're not doing it any longer?
I mean, it shouldn't. But I'm getting the impression that it will.

You really need to make the point that WFH is working and that you can’t do
childcare at the same time, even if you are your own boss, the same way as they wouldn’t consider taking their child to the office.

This year I have already said they'll have to make sure they can cover the whole time

What was the response?

You really need your husband to see your point of view here.

A very similar situation happened with me.
I pick my grandchildren up from school on regular days. A relative of my son in law had a family crisis and they asked me to help by picking up my grandchildren’s second cousins . These children were not blood relatives of mine and I hardly knew them.
After a period of months I said I was no longer prepared to pick them up and look after them with my grandchildren. I then became public enemy number one with their mother.
It had been completely cost free child care for them but I got in hot water rather than a thanks very much.

Oh gosh, it looks like you may be having the same issue for the summer holidays.

There is a risk her that your DH and the ex will fully expect you to cover the summer holidays, for the same reason - you "commited" to do the childcare last year, so you are "letting them down" not doing this year.

I know you've said you've told them they'll have to cover the whole holidays themselves. But after this rigmarole with school drop/pick up, I would recommend being tougher with your wording.

I would suggest saying something like
"DH and ex, just so we are all very clear, I will NOT be providing childcare care during the sumer holidays. I will be working and you cannot rely on me to cover the gaps..
I am setting this very clearly now, as this gives you 5 months to organise childcare arrangements for the summer holidays between the 2 of you"

Be as blunt as you can. There is a risk if you are too nice and wishy-washy they'll nod their heads, but come July they'll re-write history and misremrmber what you said.and fully expect you to cover.

In a normal scenario UANBU, but next time someone you know is bereaved please don’t offer them any ‘help’ if you have no intention of following through with it. Wether ex is taking advantage or not I’d imagine it’s been triggering to be messed around over this as presumably it was the deceased who used to help out.

@Ghosttofu99 What the heck are you talking about. When people are bereaved people make all kinds of offers of help, because it’s such a difficult time. Cooking, baby sitting, helping move houses, cleaning etc. those offers are never for LIFE. Everyone knows that 🙄

What make you think Granny needs to be managed? Either she's an easy-going sort and the relatiobship will evolve naturally. Or she will have her own ideas about what kind if relationship she wants with her step-GC and how to achieve it.

Honestly if you can’t bring yourself to help you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with a child. Things like this are always going to come up. It’s so naive to say “well it’s not up to me”. Either you’re a family unit or you’re not, you can’t be half in and half out.

@Trianglesandsquares well the parents aren’t solving the situation, why should the OP. Ffs
The OP is putting her child with the grandmother so she can work, yet picking up her step child whilst she’s working. It doesn’t add up.

Your circumstances have changed. Even if they had not, it would be ok to just say the arrangement isn’t working for you.

the parents need to figure this out for themselves. Since it is family it would be good if you could give them some notice, but it’s still ok to quit.

Perhaps they should look into a childminder. If both Mom and dad used the same provider for the same days, it would make finding someone easier.

I feel for you OP, it makes me so mad when people think that because you WFH you are constantly available.

I've done it for a year!

I have helped.

OP, you have gone above and beyond. It is now time for this to stop. Please stop being a doormat and assert yourself. This child’s parents now need to step up.

@UntilThenAndTen ignore the posters who think you should martyr yourself.

She’s benefited from this arrangement for a year. As long as you give her a reasonable amount of time to sort something out then you have already gone over and above (and the more unreasonable her response, the more the notice period is cut short).

I don’t understand this mentality of joining yourself with someone who has a child then not wanting to be part of that circle of people who care for the child. When my husband and I met he had a two year old. He and I both worked shifts and there were definitely times when I would look after my step son because my husband was at work. There were many times that I would drive the four hour round journey to collect my stepson from his mum so that we could come and spend the weekend with us. We were a team. We always have been. My step son is 30 now and we have a lovely relationship. We’ve always had a good relationship with his mother too. I just feel if you’re not a team player then go and find yourself a partner with no ties. It seems that on mumsnet there is this belligerent, awkward attitude where it’s the done thing to be as difficult as possible.

But she has "helped" as much as could for as long as she could. She now cannot "help" without compromising her income stream.

Honestly, if you can't manage your own childcare you should perhaps put the child up for adoption - you can't be half in, half out.

Can I ask why my work should be the only one affected? Why is mum saying she can't because she's working fine but me saying I can't because I'm also working me not being a team player? I'm not sat about, I'm trying to work!