Tied into commitment made a year ago

[UntilThenAndTen]

I share one nursery aged DC with DH who also shares a primary aged child with his ex partner.

I work from home as a self employed accountant but at the time this was agreed I was on maternity leave with DC.

DH shares custody 50:50, one week on one week off.

DSCs mum used to rely on a relative to collect DSC from school on her days as she was working. Unfortunately said relative passed away around a year ago. At the time as there was a lot of stuff going on and it was quite sudden, I agreed I would help by dropping and collecting DSC on mums days, she would drop him off wirh me on the way to work and then in the afternoon id bring him back here and she would collect him on her way home from work about 5:30.

I am now back working and this just isn't working for me anymore. Technically yes I am home and self employed so could work my day around a school run if necessary but I don't feel I should have to anymore. My mother will often help by collecting our DC from nursery so I can work and instead I'm running out morning and afternoon to drop and collect DSS.

I have said this doesn't work anymore and it seems to have caused a bit of a drama with DSS's mum and DH saying I shouldn't have "committed" to this in the first place if I couldn't do it.

School does not have a good or reliable breakfast / after school provision so far as I'm told.

This even in the past has leaked into me ending up with DSS when he's unwell and sent home etc.. and now I'm back working it's just not working for me.

DH suggested I ask my mum to also collect DSS when she collects our DC but I don't feel this is fair. They aren't massively close and I know my mum enjoys the time she gets with DC on these days.

Aibu to push on and insist this stops so I can concentrate on my own job now?

I noticed!!!!

It's a tricky one OP; after all, it is your stepchild, not a random, but as a self employed person I share your pain at not having the fact that you're working recognised by people in 'proper' jobs. Is there any way you could find some kind of compromise? Eg could DSC's mum find someone who can get DSC to school and you just do the afternoons (or vice versa)? I realise this doesn't solve it for you but it would mitigate the impact. I agree with a PP that you should set some limits, eg you can't have DSC when they're unwell.

I do understand your frustration at being taken for granted - other people often need educating about the different sorts of pressures that this puts on us.

Not your responsibility. Life and situations change and you have done it for a year. Your situation has changed. She has an absolute cheek to expect you to carry on doing it for goodness knows how many years to come. She could look at paying a child minder to do pick ups and drop offs at school. She is the childs parent so needs to take some responsibility for child care. Not expect others to do it for her. She could also speak to her work about flexible hours as well.

This is why I remain a bitch and say no to things like this as I know how it ends up. Of course you are not being unreasonable.

Cheeky fucker !

Tell her to sort it in a month or you simply won't be there.

It's 19 weeks out of a year so yes I would do it. It's your step child not some random child. Does your mum not see them as a grandchild that's quite sad if she doesn't.

So a week off followed by a week on isn’t working.

I suggest they split the week in half instead so they can both do early morning care and school pick ups with little or no input from you

It's the mother's actual child and if she's not prepared to do it for 19 weeks of the year then why should the OP? Why should the SM show more of a commitment to the SC than the child's own parents?

I’m really torn. Of course you don’t have to do it but - it’s your DSC rather than a friend’s child.
i think the major difficulty is saying yes in the first place but that’s not your fault, you being being a good DSM and helping.

I agree with pp this is why I have learnt to say no to stuff like this. Never a good deed goes unpunished is something I have learnt the hard way.

I do understand your feelings @UntilThenAndTen I work from home and have to be the one that does all childcrelated daily stuff. But I can work myself around it mostly. Sometimes I take meetings in the car etc. but it’s rubbish. Having said that. I do think this is more than making it about ‘their’ responsibility. I would view a step child as mine too. I would want my mum to have a relationship with them and treat them equally with my children. You are building relationships for life. School is such a short time really. I would try and keep doing it. If it’s the actual pick up and drop off that’s impacting you and you don’t want to ask your mum, could you use a taxi service. There are DBSchecked drivers that do school runs. They use the same driver usually and will collect your child and deliver to you.

Ouch yep, I can foresee some nonsense over covering summer holidays too.

If you're self-employed that in effect means that you are losing quite a lot of money every time you are doing the nursery run or looking after DSS. That makes no sense at all, it has to be cheaper employing a childminder.

WTF how dare they! I’m fuming for you. YANBU. They need to sort their own child. Only thing I will say is I wouldn’t agree to anything like that in the future.

But equally it's 19 weeks out of a year for his actual parents. Why is it not their responsibility first and foremost?

Please advocate for yourself here @UntilThenAndTen . You have learnt that the more you do for people, the more they expect and sadly this seems to include your 'D'H.
Have you told DSS mum yet that she needs to sort alternative childcare? If you are feeling generous you could give a couple of weeks notice. If your DH insists it's your responsibility then tell him to cut his own hours to provide care for HIS son. Obviously ensuring he still contributes to the household pot because it's not your financial responsibility either.
I cannot abide ex couples who manoeuvre the situation to force step parents to do more than they themselves are willing to do. Never allow anyone to control your time like this.
Oh and don't ask your mum! That would be so rude.

It's the step kid I feel sorry for.

Divorce is mostly always bad for mum and dads finance (both often end up working more, childcare becomes an issue) and it affects family dynamics for the kids.

When you are a team, you make it work between you. But when you divorce we always hear "it's your turn" "I did it last week, you need to sort it".

Add in a new family for each person and it's a disaster.

When your kid is on summer holiday in a few years and you are looking after then the expectation will be you add in the step kid too. And most don't want that... it's not their job, it's not their "real kid", their family feel uncomfy helping as the step kid isn't their blood etc.

It's not your fault op, i just wish people made better choices before they got married and produced children. It's so easy these days to scrap marriage and go set up a new family. People don't want to work at it (I will add a disclaimer here for domestic violence and affairs etc)

As an adult now and my parents divorced when I was 5. It's had a huge impact on my life. The hurt continues and continues. It affects grandchildren now.

They are expecting your career to take a hit to support their careers. Why is that I wonder?

I guess I just don't see why some children need 4 parents and many others manage fine with 2 (and their extended families).

I have not been on the scene since DSS's birth, they managed before.

And in terms of summer hols, maybe not so much of a problem if I were off looking after my own child but I won't be. I'll be working and my child will be in nursery. There is no way I'm taking time off and losing income to look after DSS when my own child is not off, it would make no sense whatsoever for me to do that.

My mums relationship with DSS is up to her. They aren't close and that's fine imo. DSS has his own grandparents so he's not missing out.

No one has answered yet!

A surprising number of posters on here appear to think it stops becoming their responsibility first and foremost when there's a SM on the scene.

@UntilThenAndTen

I don't see divorce as producing two parents at the end.

It all gets watered down.

My parents were financially poorer... they needed two houses, two cars, they both upped their hours to pay for the houses they needed. By contrast my friends who have a traditional family enjoyed holidays and time with their mum at home and as adults were supported in ways that my parents could never support me. Financial decisions were made in the 80s with their kids in mind. My parents just couldn't do that in the same way due to financial implications of divorce.

My parents spent time socialising and ended up dating and meeting other people. Their time with me was diluted. Then this increased when they both had other children. My dad moved away to be with his new wife.

The support you get from traditional 2 parents together situations is vastly different as an adult. My step parents are not as inclined to help with childcare as they do not both have an equal interest in my children. Sorry it's true... my step mum is much more likely to help my step brother out. My dad would be very unlikely to help me out much by himself (that's not abnormal, lots of men of a certain age would not do childcare alone). By contrast my friends with mums and dads together enjoy happy holidays together, and days out.

Honestly it's totally shit... I could go on and on.

And no it's not just me. Lots of my friends are in similar situations.

I'm a step child myself and have divorced parents.

I guess it depends entirely on each individual set up.

I have a step parent who does as much childcare as my parent does, they are a grandparent in every sense of the word. They weren't a parent to me growing up but we had our own kind of relationship. I already had two parents and didn't need nor want another so we developed just a close friendship almost I'd say. I think they are basically a grandparent in every way to my DC now because they've been around since their birth obviously so it's a lot easier to have just established that relationship and obviously my DC see them as no different to any other grandparent as they've never known them not to be there.

I think it just works differently for everyone!

And I get what you're saying about it being watered down, especially financially.

But honestly I'd say DH and his ex are far better off financially now than when they were together. Not because they split but simply because they've both taken promotions in their careers since then etc..

At the end of the day, splitting with your child's parent doesn't make that child any less your responsibility does it?

Meanwhile, in the real world, people who work organise childcare to facility their ability to work. This typically involves either a reciprocal arrangement , or a paid one. The SC's mum has done neither.

And I really don't get why this is being spun into a measure of the OP's commitment to the SC as part of her family.

And I really don't get why this is being spun into a measure of the OP's commitment to the SC as part of her family.

Invariably the way on threads when an SM is having the piss taken out of her.