To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

No more sex for him then. I’d be flabbergasted too especially as he knows everything you have been through.

If you believe in the fundamental principle of bodily autonomy - and I do - then I think you have to respect the fact that it's his body, and therefore his choice.

It's reasonable to be disappointed that he won't consider it after all that you've been through, but ultimately, it's his choice. You will now have to make your own choices about what to do in response.

Jeez Louise did someone share this thread on Reddit? Some of the responses!

OP I'd be telling him in that case that you'll be abstaining from penetrative sex until post-menopause, given condoms aren't reliable enough and it's also your body and your choice.

Erm…not sure what you’ve been reading? Quite clearly explained in the thread

Except when a (pathetic) man trots out ‘my body, my choice’ as a reason not to have vasectomy - he’s removing the woman’s choice and bodily autonomy.

You might be OK with that, but lots of DECENT men aren’t.

This.

If I didn't want to do anything to my body, and he didn't want to do anything to his body, then it's the logical choice

Point is she can choose not to take anything, same as he can choose not to have surgery. It's a stablemate

a lot of hospitals also now won’t sterilise women because of the cost implications. Women are being told no and that their partners can be sterilised for less money. Which is a whole feminist issue on its own.

To be fair, several NHS trusts (is that the right word, NHS areas?) don't do vasectomies. DH spoke to his GP about one last year and was told it's no longer done on the NHS where we live.

There seem to be a lot of men on this thread.

How would it be a reasonable request ? Tubal ligation is surgery under general anaesthetic, involving risk and a hospital stay. Vasectomy is a 20 minute outpatient procedure under local anaesthetic. If there’s a mutual decision not to have any more children vasectomy is the reasonable choice.

Stablemate

He's a selfish prick, end of story.
He has watched how you've suffered and the pain you are still in today - but is refusing to "put himself through" sore bits for a few days - I bet he would happily put you through it though!!
I'm sorry but if it were me I would not be having sex with this man.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 stalemate

Oh autocorrect 🤣🤣🤣

A couple who require IVF presumably has issues that make OP less likely to conceive, so perhaps the risk of condom failure is lower than it might be for other people

My first thought was that DH wanted to keep his options open in case the marriage ended for any reason and he wants the option to perhaps have more children in future. Could ne way off mark

OP, I'd suggest condoms going forward

It’s only a stalemate if you have a shitty, sub-standard ‘partner’ (I use the word loosely).

This isn't about the procedure. This is about the husband's attitude.

Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt that he was caught of guard when you asked but definitely raise it when you both have time to talk and neither one is overly tired, emotional etc. Tall about what effect pregnancy could have on you, his feelings on future children including if you were to split up etc etc

If his attitude genuinely is that he 'won't put himself through it' with no further discussion that really says a lot about the calibre of person he is.

I think there's two separate issues here: a) whether he wants a vasectomy, and b) his very insensitive choice of wording given what OP's body has been through!

The pathetic men and their handmaidens on this thread are a sight to behold.

Amy man who doesn’t OFFER to have a vasectomy off his own bat is a dud.

Yeah. I wouldn’t be having sex full stop. Sure his body his choice, but choices have consequences. I wish I hadn’t been sterilised, I’ve had issues since. I should just have stopped having sex if I didn’t want the pregnancy risk. I mean it’s my body my choice.

The new torture method of female sterilisation needs banning.

It’s common to need IVF because their bodies aren’t selective enough about non-viable embryos & conceive too easily, so they really do need to avoid pregnancy as miscarriage is such a high risk.

That’s not on Op. luckily my dh, whilst not perfect, agreed with me on this issue. He went for a vasectomy after suggesting it himself. He was in and out in 15 minutes, he walked out absolutely fine.

Not really relevant to this thread but abortion can absolutely be a quick decision. I knew before the pregnancy test showed positive that if I was pregnant there was absolutely no way I could continue the pregnancy.

(I know that's not relevant to OP, and I'm not suggesting that therefore unwanted pregnancies are no big deal. I'm just saying that some women are very certain immediately that they cannot continue with a pregnancy, and therefore abortion is a quick and definite decision).

Absolutely this and it's disheartening how many women are unsupportive of the OP's perspective. If women can't even support other women and understand what we go through, how can we ever expect men to.

Use condoms and follow your cycle. As much as women should not be made to have such a procedure men should either.

I know a guy who thought with his wife that they were done at 2 children,he got the “snip”,tried to reverse it,his wife didnt get pregnant left him for another guy who she had another child with,the guy who had snip tried to have another child with another woman who wanted also another child she had one- also left him for another man.