To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

XH and I knew when we were done procreating.

XH refused to get a vasectomy, as we knew 3 children born post vasectomy. It was a pointless op as far as he was concerned.

I didn't push it in the slightest...his body, his choice.

I didn't want to go on the pill because of the hormones or have a coil inside me. He didn't push it in the slightest with me...my body, my choice.

We used condoms for the next 10 years.

I'm very surprised by all the women on this thread advocating he should be persuaded, or cajoled or have a list written as to why he really needs the snip.

Surely it's his body, his choice.

Would the responses be so "persuade her/write lists to convince her" if DH was upset OP wouldn't have the (easy to change your mind) coil fitted?

Granted, he could have said it more kindly, but he gets to choose what he does with his body, not his wife.

It’s not a 100% it’s about 97 the female condom is lower. So she still runs the risk of pregnancy

Don't be a dick and turn this on her! He was hair enough with her taking the physical hit for years, it's only fair she asks, and even fairer that he at least considers it.

As I said upthread, ‘his body, his choice’ is pathetic.

By trotting that out, he deprives the woman of any choice.

And leave her to carry the entire load. How embarrassing.

You dont need him to have vasectomy - as surely his patheticness just gives you the complete ick. 🤷🏻‍♀️

His body and you can't dictate ( through emotional blackmail) what he does with it? Just as he can't with yours

Use condoms. Vasectomies aren't fool proof either

He may decide he wants more children later on, so it's not just a case of a 'small operation' you are asking him to take away his fertility

You may not stay together and he may move on and want children with someone else

Re abortion: That is a very much more serious question and it is never a quick decision. There are so many more factors that would be considered. However if health of mother would be endangered as in this case that would be paramount.

I could never imagine putting my wife in danger. I had the snip. No more 'Pill' and those side effects. No more blood pressure problems or weight gain.

His statement that he doesn’t want to go through that was shit given all you’ve been through, but he’s not U not to want a vasectomy. Bodily autonomy. It’s soon after your pregnancy losses. He may hope you will want to try again later, and/or want the option to try to have more DC should your relationship end

This is a more common response than you'd imagine, DH has recently had a vasectomy and has been open about it with friends, family, colleagues etc, lots of men responding like your husband.

A mutual male friend said to me I can't believe you expected him to go through that, I replied firstly it was a joint decision, secondly I was expected to carry on working while I carried a baby, tore all the ligaments in my pelvis, ended up on crutches with gestational diabetes , stabbing myself with needles multiple times a day, culminating in a labour lasting several days during which I lost so much blood i needed a transfusion. His response, yeah but that's to have a baby......
This is an educated man with a professional career. It's ridiculous.

DH was always completely open to it once we'd finished having DC. His rant even don't in a hospital just in a GP surgery and he felt bruised for a few days.

Agreed. It's really not a big deal (assuming both are ready to not have more children) but the amount of men who are not willing to go through this small procedure yet let their women go through endless pain and trauma...ridiculous

Selfish m! Men do not realise what our bodies are put through.

That said for some women low level hormones are actually beneficial, my ex had had the snip so I wasn't on any and my peri symptoms were ramping up, I met dp who hasn't had it and I got the mirena, my peri symptoms vanished and 4 years on still nothing despite being over 50. Not sure if I've give through menopause because I don't get regular periods on it just a couple of days 2-3 times a year. I'm not saying it works for everyone but it does for some

Mickey: abortion can be a quick decision by a woman, and that’s fine.

And if/when the condom fails….?

Whether we think the procedure is fairly simple or not is not the point. This is your husbands body and he has the right to choose. Just as you have the right to say you feel you’ve been through enough and don’t want hormonal contraception. There are other methods, just either book a FP appointment at your nearest family planning/sexual health clinic or GP to discuss your options or do your own research. I used the coil before I was sterilised and found it really good. Only localised uterine hormones, no systemic effects. No periods was heaven. Anyway, I understand having had enough of trying to have a baby. I’ve had multiple miscarriages including ectopic pregnancy as well as my live births so it can get overwhelming. But never forget your husbands body is his to make his choice with. He is not saying no to hurt you or because he doesn’t love or appreciate what you have suffered.

@SlumberDearMaid

No, she can choose no sex. Why do you assume that because he won't have surgery she'll do something? I don't

This. My reaction to his statement ‘I wouldn’t put myself through that’ would be to ask what his objections were. If he genuinely doesn’t want a vasectomy because it will mean no more children, that’s one thing. But if it’s just that he doesn’t fancy the procedure that’s quite another and posters advocating the OP having tubal ligation or, even worse, hysterectomy as an alternative might want to think about that. My concern is his apparent lack of concern for what his wife has suffered and possible detrimental effects of further pregnancy - not to mention the fact that she’s clearly had enough.

Men won't verbalise this but he could move on to a new partner and have more kids. He's not going to say that, but unlike women, it's an OPTION he doesn't want to rule out.

I'd see it as a lack of commitmentbto shared futures.

This is a terrible idea. Those things are separate to the current issue.

There are other options like condoms and celibacy. My DH is perfectly happy with condoms so I wouldn't expect him to get a vasectomy. How does your DH feel about that?

You are completely reasonable to not want to put your body through more.

Sorry, why would you choose ‘no sex’ with your life partner?

That’s not something I have to deal with, as I have a decent husband who offered to have a vasectomy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really don’t see how anyone could possibly think you are being unreasonable op!

those who have voted YABU…care to explain?!

@ChanelNo19EDT Or he might still not have come to terms with the recent miscarriage. He is allowed to have feelings about his own fertility.

My DH had a vasectomy at the age of 38 because of my health. He suggested it after a talk with our doctor.
He’s very much a ‘proper man’ he still has erections, he says everything feels the same as before, in his words “being a ‘Jaffa’ (seedless) hasn’t affected him at all.

It's neither here nor there if it's a quick and simple procedure. As women, we advocate for "your body your choice" and that should be the same for men or we're just massive hypocrites. Nobody should be told what they can and can't do with their bodies, and while OP has had a rough time, I'm assuming she wasn't forced or coerced or told what to do with her body.

It’s not U nor an indicator of lack of commitment to a current relationship for a man to want to retain his fertility. Eg if becomes a father in 20s or 30s, some men can father DC much longer.

As pp said, abortion can absolutely be a quick decision.

I have 2 children and would not hesitate to have an abortion if I got pregnant again accidentally.

You talk about ‘duty to the family’. Same could be said for trying to force a woman into having an abortion in some cases. Another child may not be what’s best for the family, but it’s the woman’s choice as it’s her body. Same with men and the snip. Same with anyone and anything else.