To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

I would be furious.

Thankfully my DH is a kind a considerate man and had no qualms about having a vasectomy when we decided we did not want children. I said I was happy to have my tubes tied but he said it was a much bigger op for a woman.

He was back at his manual job the day after his op.

The woman has the choice to abstain from sex or insist on the use of non hormonal contraception if she doesn’t want to try and conceive another baby. She also has the right to leave the relationship if her husband’s decision upsets her that much.

Lots of women around the world don’t have reproductive choices or bodily autonomy because they don’t have access to healthcare, contraception or abortion, or are married to men who will force them to have sex against their will. Women whose husbands don’t want a vasectomy do not fall into that category.

It’s just lots of women with pretty awful men, forced into the position of defending them.

You can’t really feel anything but pity for them.

If my partner felt uncomfortable about surgery for whatever reason - I'd happily support his decision and give up full sex until menopause

Just as he already knows I'll never take hormones

Given the number of miscarriages OP’s had, I’d say the problem wasn’t the ability to conceive but the viability of the embryos - all the more likely since their only child has a birth defect. That could be the reason for IVF. So no, condoms aren’t an option as the risk of conception is no lower.

Don’t like it when people make assumptions about posters’ situations. Mine, for example, is that my partner had a vasectomy.

Not being a ‘handmaiden’ to respect bodily autonomy for both men and women.

I do think the opinions on here of ‘my DH had the snip because he is a kind and considerate man’ are extreme.

Men can be good people, good husbands and fathers and still not want surgery.

speculating about fertility issues is crass and insensitive.

No they are not. I know men who've had it reversed and successfully fathered a child post reversal

As much as he can't force you into things neither can you. It is possible that he might want another child if something happens or you break up. He may just not like the thought of it. He has a right to say no. Vasectomies aren't as easily reversible as people think

I couldn't fancy sex with someone who 'couldn't put themselves through' a 30 minute procedure done in a GP's surgery after watching their partner go through pregnancy and childbirth, particularly in your circumstances, so that would sort of solve the problem.

I know plenty whose vasectomy reversal didn't work. It isn't a guarantee.

Lots of women around the world don’t have reproductive choices or bodily autonomy because they don’t have access to healthcare, contraception or abortion, or are married to men who will force them to have sex against their will. Women whose husbands don’t want a vasectomy do not fall into that category

There’s some piss poor excuses for defending the man’s actions on this thread, but this is by far the worst.

Except when a (pathetic) man trots out ‘my body, my choice’ as a reason not to have vasectomy - he’s removing the woman’s choice and bodily autonomy.

Pathetic. Of course he doesn't. She doesn't have to do anything with her body. She can choose not to have sex, or as others have pointed out they could use condoms - failure rate blah blah blah - there is a compromise here.
^
It's sad that there's a lot of women on here who don't believe in a man's right to autonomy over his body.

If I don't want to get pregnant, I take the responsibility for that myself. My body, my choice. Something I've taught my daughters too. Don't rely on a man to do that for you. Take control of your own fertility.^

This. 100%

Why women belittle men who dont want to have such a procedure- he mightmone day want to have more childrn with another person, unlike women men can still have kids in his 70s?

When you go to doctor they are happy to throw pills at all the women,only mentioning possible “slight”increas risk of bloodclots- when there is evidence and women themselves experience other side effects,mood swings,depression,weight gain etc

vasectomy is also associated with depression (like ops husband says affects their self esteem), higher risk od cardiovascular problems and autoimmune problems.

solution is simple, condoms and avoiding sex around ovulatiob- cant really go wrong there.
imagine a man posting this topic calling his wife selfish because she dosent want to have itreversible procedure. Since op is. The one who is sure she does not want any more pregnancies she needs to book in for an operation,at most it will be 24hr stay thats it. She cant make her husband make a choice for his lifetime that he can not have anymore children,with anyone

I don't get this weird phobia people have about hormones. I have a mirena, and it's fantastic. Yes, of course it doesn't suit some people, but I love having no / almost no periods, and the hormones are mostly just in the uterus.

It's OP's choice of course, but I just don't see the logic of a bloke having to have a permanent surgical procedure just because you don't fancy a mirena.

There may be risks but most of the time is a very quick, simple procedure and within a week or two that are back to their normal self’s, it’s also much safer than a woman being sterilised.

You have missed the point spectacularly.

*It’s just lots of women with pretty awful men, forced into the position of defending them.

You can’t really feel anything but pity for them*

Pity, because there are women who thinks EVERYONE should have the right to decide what they do with their bodies? Okay.

Have tou read the research on autoimmune problems and how it affects mens mental health? OPs husband already said his self esteem would be affected which would lead to depression eventually

inknow a guy who has been dumped by two women because he had it and reversal didnt work,first woman was his wife who asked him to do it because it was easier for him and went to have another child with someone else

what if ops husband wishes to have more children,op is the one that has made her mind up

You’ve left out part of my post.

I think it’s crass to say that a woman is having her choices and bodily autonomy taken away if her partner refuses to have a vasectomy, when there are millions of women around the world who have actually had their reproductive choices taken away, or never had them in the first place.

But there you go 🤷🏻‍♀️

So if any of your daughters end up in the OP’s position you’ll be advocating no sex or tubal ligation presumably.

@Susuwatariandkodama Female surgical sterilisation is kind of a last choice option. There are many options to look at before considering that

Yes exactly that's my view too. If he doesn't want a vasectomy then that's his choice.

But to say he wouldn't put himself through a very minor procedure after all OP has gone through for their family is awful. He doesn't see what she's been through.