To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been through so much. Far too many people see starting a family as a “right” not a privilege.
It sounds as if he was untactful in his response, but he shouldn’t be pushed into having a vasectomy if he doesn’t want one. Maybe he simply hasn’t given up on having more children. It sounds as if you need to have a proper sit down talk about how you see your family in the future.
Ultimately, he gets to choose what he does with his own body, as you do with your own. And if he’s made THIS choice, then you now have several options yourself. You can choose to walk away completely, you can choose to have a sexless relationship, you can choose to take the risk of trying a different firm of contraception or you can choose to 100% remove the risk of pregnancy by having surgery yourself.
You don’t say how old you are, but with so many relationships ending in time (and I’m not making assumptions about your own, but it’s a fact that many do) permanently sterilising yourself needs to be a personal decision. IF you were to split, YOU would sadly still be in the same position, of risk to your own health, if you were to find yourself pregnant whereas he would not be. I know it’s hard to hear, but it sounds to me as if you both need some form of counselling, apart and together, to process the changes that have taken place in your lives. I wish you the best of luck in the future.

On a more general note - I'm genuinely surprised by all the strong anti-vasectomy feeling evidenced in this thread! When you think of how much most women go through with our sex organs - poking, prodding, scoping, snipping, pregnancies, miscarriages, birth, surgeries both minor and major - it's amazing that men can't countenance a relatively minor procedure on theirs.

It doesn't interfere with their sexual function, doesn't stop them ejaculating normally, is an outpatient procedure with usually trivial pain, is generally reversible, and sperm banking is a doddle.

What an enormous gulf between the female and male experience. I really hadn't grasped how unaware many men seem to be.

If he’d had the sort of medical and birth issues the poor op has had it would be a reasonable request. But seeing as she has really suffered giving him a child while he stays healthy, you’re an idiot.

To add, I LIKE the idea of writing things down, but my strong advice would be not to guilt him about your own medical problems, especially in writing. Write down that you want to talk. Write down what you’re struggling with. Write down what you miss. Write down how you feel about your situation. But writing down that you think he should have a vasectomy because it’s “only fair” given what your own body has been through, will bite you on the a*.

I think he is not ready to end the possibility of having children potentially with a different future partner.

That was my thought too. How old is he, OP? It sounds like you've been through so much to have a child and yours is still only very young. He might not be ready to let go of the idea of having other DC in future, even if he's very committed to you. It's very much a 'what if...' situation and unless he's had the thought himself that he definitely doesn't want any more ever, then he won't be wanting and shouldn't have to have the snip.

My DH had the snip willingly in his 40s when we both were certain we didn't want more kids, with each other or anyone hypothetically (if one of us got hit by a bus/if something happened to our dc, all those horrible and hopefully unlikely scenarios but that still need to be considered). As the PPs here show, there are many angles and strong feelings on this, so ofc while it would've been ideal for you that he agreed and did it out of solidarity and selflessness, his response is understandable if quite thoughtlessly expressed. Better to talk about how to prevent another pregnancy even if that means abstinence. As PP said, if you split up then you wouldn't expect every future partner to have a vasectomy so other options do need exploring.

Honestly, its his choice.

It can be a painful procedure.

I think it also depends on your ages. Imagine the worst happening and you dying, leaving him age mid 30s or 40s met someone younger who wants kids. What then?

I do understand your point of view but don't die on this hill.

My dh refused a vasectomy. I can't risk another pregnancy and I can't use hormonal contraceptives. To me it's very simple, no sex. I'm so exhausted most of the time, that it's not an issue for me anyway. He can be a right grumpy arse though, because his amorous advances are rebuffed with a 'no snip, no dip!', I just leave the room to let him grump it out.

Agree that hormone affecting pills are bad. Just tell him the obvious solution is to stop having sex.

Nothing is risk-free though is it?
OP has been through enough but the sounds of it, and any decent human would want to make sure that the person they loved is safe and well. For men it's a minor procedure that can even be done in a doctor's surgery. For women it's a major operation and recovery is brutal.

I think I would be saying to the husband that if he chooses not to have it done, then I'm choosing not to have sex with him ever again!

On a more general note - I'm genuinely surprised by all the strong anti-vasectomy feeling evidenced in this thread! When you think of how much most women go through with our sex organs - poking, prodding, scoping, snipping, pregnancies, miscarriages, birth, surgeries both minor and major - it's amazing that men can't countenance a relatively minor procedure on theirs.

There's no comparison between these things though. A vasectomy or tubal is ending that person's reproductive capacity. That is a huge, final thing for a lot of people, and it has nothing to do with women's experience of pregnancy and birth. DH got a vasectomy because he wanted one; I'd never get my tubes tied.

Maybe things have changed but it’s most commonly done under GA. I don’t believe it’s done under local. So only other option is a spinal, spinal drugs work on gravity and they tip you slightly head down for a sterilisation and the drugs work on your chest muscles then. I know because this happened to me and i couldn’t breath , it was terrifying. They had to convert to GA mid procedure.

a lot of hospitals also now won’t sterilise women because of the cost implications. Women are being told no and that their partners can be sterilised for less money. Which is a whole feminist issue on its own.

Those who say "his body his decision" are forgetting that he is married. Therefore his responsibilities to the family unit and therefore his wife are much greater than his preferences. He made the commitment with his vows (in some form of wording).
If OP was in good health and there was not the extra risks to her they would have many equal choices. As it is they do not have that luxury.
He should be ashamed of himself.

Could you have a hysterectomy when your insides have settled down?

If a women wants an abortion it is 'her body her choice' married or not, everyone has the right to decide on their own body choices

Absolutely not the same thing. Tubal ligation is surgery under general anaesthetic with a hospital stay and all the attendant risks. Vasectomy is a short procedure under local anaesthetic. OP has already been through enough and OK, it’s his body, his choice, but after everything OP has described I would have thought he’d be concerned enough about her welfare to at least discuss it. “I wouldn’t put myself through that” after everything she’s been through isn’t good enough.

Those who say "his body his decision" are forgetting that he is married. Therefore his responsibilities to the family unit and therefore his wife are much greater than his preferences. He made the commitment with his vows (in some form of wording).

So if the OP found herself pregnant, and she wanted an abortion but he didn't, she would have to have the baby because of her responsibility to him? Come on now. Bodily autonomy either exists or it doesn't.

Woah.

Your body is still your own regardless of whether you’re married and your ‘family unit’. Nobody should be forced into a medical procedure that they don’t want, even if it does benefit someone else and match their preferences. That is really quite scary thinking.

If the OP doesn’t want to use hormonal contraception (which I completely understand) then they will have to use condoms.

@renthead, most vasectomies are reversible. And, if you want double indemnity, sperm banking is just a wank in a side room. Reproductive capacity safe and sound, just under control.

I don't blame you. What about what you've been through. NY husband had the snip and he is a wimp!!. It was quick and didn't hurt ( too much).
I jist wouldn't have sex until he did but then I'm like that. Get yourself a toy to sort yourself out. It's nowhere near what you've been through.

Hysterectomy isn’t a silver bullet, you risk early menopause, increased risk of prolapse as there’s no longer an organ where one is meant to be, scar tissue and adhesions from surgery etc. They’re certainly not meant to be contraception!

What ??????? Hysterectomy is major surgery and brings on menopause, along with the risk of other complications. It’s not meant as contraception. You’re saying she should put herself through this because he doesn’t fancy the snip ?

The number of pathetic male apologists on this thread is embarrassing.

I don’t see this as selfish, anymore than I’d say you were selfish if you said no to him suggesting sterilisation. you both now need to find an alternate method, potentially condoms, but I do believe his body his right, same as your body your right, so now he needs to find another way so you’re not impacted.

All the talk of tube tying is bollocks - the nhs wont do it without a huge struggle! Ive asked numerous times, i have children so i know exactly whats what but i still get told no no no! Private its 3k+ i gather

I wouldnt bully anyone into a vasectomy but his shitty selfish zero-thought-for-me response would be a dealbreaker for me.

Any man worth his salt doesn’t need to be cajoled or persuaded or frog-marched kicking and screaming into the clinic.

He steps up and offers. Does it off his own volition.

Sorry for all of you with sub-standard men.