To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Exactly!

I agree. Friend had first baby at 46. DH 5 years younger. She had a pre-eclamptic fit and had to be rushed in for emergency CS at 36weeks. She was in a coma for several days and told never to attempt another pregnancy. Her DH did offer to have a vasectomy but she was happy to have a mirena given that she likely only had a few years of potential fertility left anyway. There are circumstances in which a couple may feel vasectomy isn’t appropriate.

@Globules , seems you have more influence than you realised.
Busy manipulating people with your posts 🤣🤣.

The reality is we are all handmaidens to a greater or lesser degree, whether to elderly parents, chldren, jobs etc and yes some to their husbands. This isn't me though as we are 50/50 with everything. As for women who do take more of a handmaiden role with husband and family and everyone involved is genuinely happy then absolutely nothing wrong with that.

If a woman wants to responsibility for her own fertility I’m at a loss as to why that is a bad thing.

So, is there a reason why your DH couldn't possibly have a vasectomy but he didn't even hesitate over your TL. Your choice is your choice, but why do you feel that way?

@Seablue9 Well personally speaking, actually I do have an issue with misogyny.
I wonder how many couples have completed their families but yet contraception (often with side effects) remains the responsibility of the woman because the man couldn't possibly have a vasectomy? I would suspect many.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-68305991

Er, is this really what you think happened in that interaction? Do you take everything absolutely literally, taking into account nothing about the situation in which the words occur or the background context? Yes, we all heard the same story and we’re aware he didn’t mention what she’d been through. But that’s part of the point. He knows what she’s been through and it’s quite a laundry list of painful and traumatic experiences so that they both could have a child. Now she has reached the point she cannot face any more pain and trauma so the discussion of a vasectomy has come up. It hasn’t come up in a vacuum. It has come up in response to all OP has already been through and out of a need to ensure OP doesn’t go through anymore, and in the face of OP going through a lot of pain and suffering and still having ongoing pain and suffering, to cavalierly say, “I wouldn’t put myself through that,” as if it’s such an incredibly horrific thing, when OP actually HAS been through such an incredibly horrific thing… yes, it’s belittling.

If anyone spends their whole life acting like words happen in a vacuum and the way in which they say things will not hurt or belittle people (acting as if “I wouldn’t put myself through that” is exactly equal to “no”), they’re going to have a tough time.

I’ve never asked my dp to have a vasectomy and have happily taken charge of contraception over the years. Although we felt that our family was complete, we wanted the option of having another child to be available to us in the future-if we changed our minds. Of course, some couples are certain that they don’t want any more children and for those couples, a vasectomy may form part of the discussion. If a man is opposed to having a vasectomy, I feel this choice should be respected. In the same way a woman’s choice regarding sterilisation or hormonal contraceptives should be. Those who feel forced or coerced into a vasectomy are much more likely to experience chronic pain issues, not to mention the detrimental impact it may have on the relationship. We should never try to force or impose a decision on our spouse/ partner and we shouldn’t emotionally coerce them either. Regardless of gender.

No we shouldn't impose a decision on our partner - but as women we can't decide to have our DH give birth instead of us, tear instead of us, develop prolapses instead of us, bleed instead of us, take the pill or coil or implant and suffer the side effects instead of us, have miscarriages instead of us, have D&C instead of us, have fibroids or thickened linings or menopause instead of us. The truth is women's health still comes second and their sacrifices first. We naturally have much of a rougher deal and perhaps this should be taken into account in any decisions.

Exactly- despite working in the medical field, I do not know of a single example of a post vasectomy pregnancy. It is essential to wait for 2 post vasectomy tests to make sure there are no sperm present. If that is the case, how could anyone produce sperm, let alone viable ones.

Yes, his body, his choice. Which is why I am so so proud for my DH who volunteered after I had, been through the hard work, discomfort and pain of 3 pregancies- coming forward to take one for the team, as I had taken 3.

For him, and for me, this is what real men partners do.

Post vasectomy pregnancy occurs in 1 in 1000- so very rare. And in most cases because they didn't follow the advice to wait for a full sperm cycle of 3 months and having a test. If people follow that advice, the risk is almost ZERO.

Seablue, fair enough, if it is your choice. But why? I just don't get it. You being sterilised is a real operation, with all sorts of risks. Whereas a vasectomy is a simple procedure, no full anesthetics, no hospital stay, with a little discomfort for a few days. Why would you not want your OH to have one at any cost- if happy to do so and willing? Sorry, but I just don't get it.

Even if you are in a relationship you are still an individual and ultimately what happens to your body is up to you. How about if a man decides, maybe after a one night stand, that he doesn't want to be a father? Should he be able to insist the woman has an abortion? Do you think it is selfish of her to insist he takes that financial responsibility? We have rights as individuals and he is perfectly entitled to say he isn't prepared to take that risk however small it is. She is also entitled to say she isn't prepared to take the risk of surgery or hormonal contraception or pregnancy. Maybe that means penetrative sex has to stop and if one or both of them doesn't want that they need to think about the options.

I have never disputed a man's right to say no to a vasectomy. You've not engaged at all with what I actually said.

Thank you 👍

Er. Just no. Sorry but this is bollocks (no pun intended).

There are indeed circumstances where a couple may feel a vasectomy isn’t needed. The OP’s is not one of them. So why are you trying to gaslight her into thinking it is ?

Nope. In no way is this relative to what the Op has posted.

I’m not. Just countering the view on here that it is always needed and a man’s duty. In the OP’s circumstances it may well be the best thing.

Its similar with me No point being sterilised now im nearly 51 I wanted it done when i was 25 No point now my potential child bearing years are nearly over. Another thing that keeps me taking the Mini Pill though is fear of an ectopic. Apparently more likely in older women. GP has no idea that im on it. Mine is Hana which i buy from Boots. They always ask if my GP knows that im on it and i just say yes. Even though i cant even get hold of my GP when im ill let alone to inform them of this. I tried booking an appointment for another reason. i tried ringing , e mailing and even Twitter. Nothing. So i have no choice but to lie to Boots and say that my GP knows. Maybe they should have sterilised me when i fucking asked and i wouldnt be caught in this situation because of the woeful situation we have with GPs

Has anyone at all said men always need to have a vasectomy? Is there a single post saying such a thing? Men really don't need you leaping to their defence, they're plenty capable of defending their own willies.

The burden should be shared. OP has undergone Multiple miscarriages, a traumatic birth and endured many rounds of IVF. Dont you think it's his turn to take on some of the burden?
Vasectomies are often reversible. Tube ligation isn't.

But he wouldn't talk...

That's the biggest issue

Not a single person on here has gaslit the OP, or trying to.

OP asked for opinions, people give them.
It's ok to have different views.

OP is very much capable of making her own mind up.