To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

@Susuwatariandkodama Surgical sterilisation shouldn't be performed in the year after a major life event anyway- OP had recently had a miscarriage.

No, there is no guarantee that reversal will work, and unlike vasectomy, reversal surgery is not available on the NHS. it shouldn’t really be considered as a non permanent option.

Regarding all the "gotchas" about abortion - not a gotcha because, in a marriage, decisions on whether and when to have children affect both parties. They're made jointly. Exactly as OP's decision to suffer IVF was. And as her husband's decision to get the snip should be.

His "won't put himself through that" reflects staggering self-centredness, even without everything he's "put his wife through". I hope he rethinks.

But op has rules out condoms, following her cycle,all hormonal methods etc- it leaves either partner having a surgery, her husband does not to have one and he has a right to say no without emotional blackmail.

op has made her mind up about her body,she needs to take responsibilty for HER decision and book in for an op,given her history no doctor would have problem with this. Day operation or 24hrs in the hospital at most since its laproscopic surgery (since women who have had a major surgery like c section go often home too in 24hrs)

This is a ridiculous comparison. Tubal ligation is a more complicated and risky procedure than a vasectomy. Women have been known to die from it whereas I don't think anyone has ever died from a vasectomy. Hasn't the OP already been through enough?! I think her husband sounds like a selfish prick.

We can't preach bodily autonomy for women yet deny that to men by making them be guilt tripped into a procedure they don't want.

@Anameisaname Reversal can be attempted, but it is far from reliable. If you are considering a vasectomy, you shouldn't be thinking of reversal as an option.

Sorry, hard disagree, if the ‘surgery’ (procedure) you’re talking about is a vasectomy.

There are long term side effects like autoimmune disease and cardiovascular problems,read up.

what about if op and her husband dont work out and he wishes to have another child? Op doesnt want any more,her husband kight want one when he is 50/60/70 years old

Phobia? Surely you know that many women react very badly to hormones? I don’t and the Mirena suited me fine. However, I have a brain and am well aware that it can have hideous side effects for some women including effects on their mood, headaches, skin etc. And if you do know that a Mirena doesn’t suit some people, did you mean to use the word phobia or did you get your words all muddled?

I think your dh needs to get some perspective. Insensitive prat. He won't put himself through what exactly? One or two days of mild discomfort? Poor lamb.

OP didn't guilt trip him. She asked whether he would think about it, but he didn't even want to discuss it. It was shut down before OP even got a chance to have a discussion never mind any sort of guilt trip.
I think she is more upset that he didn't show any sensitivity towards her and what her body has been through.

But when a man opts out with ‘my body, my choice’, he removes his partner’s choice, and forces her to take the entire load / responsibility / risk.

Not good enough.

Um no he doesn’t, condoms are a thing, and absolutely fail safe if coupled with the withdrawal method. Abstaining is also a thing.

You have my sympathy OP. My DH is currently refusing. I can’t take hormone contraception because I’ve had breast cancer (and all the treatment that entailed - double mastectomy/ 6 months of chemo) after this I thought I would probably be infertile but had an ectopic pregnancy and all the trauma that caused.

We have 2 DSs, (Both pretty bad births) we are late 40s. Previously I was on the pill for about 16 years. After all that, the fact he won’t have a minor op makes me so angry.

He suggests condoms. I don’t like them (I don’t think he really does either) we just don’t have penetrative sex.

I do think it’s pretty selfish but I can’t force him.

So has OP. She refuses to use condoms.

Considering everything you've been through, his response was outrageous.

Hopefully it was a knee-jerk response and he'll think about it a bit more rationally over the coming days.

I think it's more than not fancying a mirena and very different to a phobia.

Of course I am aware that some -a lot- of women can't use hormonal contraception. But that's not what's happening here. OP said nothing about not tolerating hormonal contraception. She just doesn't like the idea. Therefore, instead of giving it a trial, she wants her partner to have a permanent procedure .

"wouldn't put myself through that?"

I had it done 5 months ago. I have a low pain threshold but still, it was a walk in the park. Yes, I was sore and couldn't walk more than a few steps for a couple of days, but it was not debilitating. The recovery was much better than I was anticipating. I had a dull ache in one side for a few weeks but after 6 weeks everything was completely back to normal.

After all you have been through, it sounds like he didn't give the procedure or you a thought for a second. Does he love you at all? Funny way of showing it.

Something I've taught my daughters too. Don't rely on a man to do that for you.

Yeah, because you really cannot trust a man to give a shit about the consequences on your body and your future, as proudly shouted throughout this thread!

Blokes whose self-esteem depends entirely on swimmers in their spunk, FFS 🙄
I hope your daughters meet responsible men with actual confidence in themselves as people.

Sorry for everything you have been through and shocked at the responses on here. You have been through absolute trauma, so its actually unbelievable there are people on here suggesting you put your body through even more.

I would discuss again with your DH everything you have been through (someone suggested writing it down and how traumatised you are). Does he have friends who have had a vasectomy? Alot of my DH’s friends have had it and talked about it openly when it was done. He could discuss it with them or at least suggest a discussion with his GP.

If he decides against it, you will have to say its condoms as you absolutely cant take the risk.

What’s crass is that you’re suggesting that because other women around the world are in a worse position, somehow that makes it OK for her partner to refuse to even discuss vasectomy - exercising that choice at her expense, leaving her with little choice but to either veto sex until she reaches menopause, undergo more surgery, or take unwanted hormones. Not much choice or bodily autonomy there imo.

Condoms are NOT fail safe!

Honestly, the apologia for pathetic men is a sight to behold.

My sons father abandoned him after getting a court order, parental responsibility. When I found I was pregnant he said I was having a phantom pregnancy: He claimed he was infertile due to having mumps as a young man. Then before that he had also told me that he would have loved to have been a father. I had what I thought was a miscarriage or blighted ovum. But turned out to be an implantation bleed. He told me that it was for the best if I miscarried. Then he asked to be at the birth despite denying being the father. After the birth his sister wrote to me saying that he didnt like the name I had chosen. Someone had told him our sons name. The whole family have rejected our son. Hes now drinking again despite being "in recovery from alcohol". He wanted me to miscarry because he doesnt want to work he says. I am so confused.