To be so flabbergasted by my husbands response to me asking him to get a vasectomy.

[Mumsgotaheadache01]

I've recently lost our 4th baby. Ive had 3 previous miscarriages. With 1 live birth, Of our very young child who has additional needs and was born with a birth defect. Was an IVF pregnancy. I have pcos, fibroids, fluid in pelvis the list goes on. And have only recently stopped breastfeeding our child. I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone. I've been injured while giving birth very traumatically, many stitches, hemorrhaged etc. We don't have sex often for many reasons. Mainly being I'm exhausted from being mummy and in pain a lot. When we do it's lovely and I do love my husband very much. But this evening I asked him if he would think about getting a vasectomy. So we can enjoy our sex life again in the knowledge I won't get pregnant and have a miscarriage or another baby. Before I could even put to him my point of view he flat out refused. And said "I wouldn't put myself through that". I am just completely shocked by how selfish that is. It's upset me so much. Aibu to be flabbergasted or should I just calm down and try a see this from his point of view.

Because biology is unfair, and that's just how it is. There are many good contraceptive options for women, but for men, it's condoms or irreversible surgery

Oh well it's unfair but it's just how it is 🤷‍♀️ condoms or vasectomy. Not OPs fault those are the only options available for men, doesn't mean she should forevermore put her body under strain so he can ejaculate freely without the hinderance of a condom.

If he doesn't want a vasectomy and OP doesn't want to take anymore BC then it's condoms or no sex isn't it. The amount of options open to OP is absolutely irrelevant.

Abstaining is also a thing.

Not between couples who like, love and care about each other.

Then, when the family is complete, the man offers to get a vasectomy. Simple!

If you read back through the thread you’ll have more of an idea as to why she had ivf and why condoms are not reliable enough. If you had been through the same as OP you wouldn’t want even the tiniest risk.

I feel like it has never crossed his mind before and that was his gut reaction. Give it a few weeks. Let it percolate. Remember he has also been through a lot (not as much as you but then it’s not a competition!)

I am shocked by someone of the responses.

When you're a couple then birth control should be something you decide together and you should work out what is best for you as a couple.

It seems like the OPs husband and a number of posters believe that birth control is a woman's responsibility.

And that just seems rather ignorant - like contraception is entirely the woman's concern. Any decent man should thjnk about birth control if it's a potential outcome of having sex.

@SlumberDearMaid
Here here. Agree with everything you've said.

All surgical procedures , bar emergencies, require the written consent of the patient. And in the case of vasectomy that is entirely down the man regardless of what ever anybody else thinks - NO really does mean No. If that puts the onus back on his wife then that's the reality of it.

Resorting to personal abuse or name calling doesn't change anything.

I think your view symbolises all that’s wrong with women’s healthcare.

Hormones need careful consideration before prescribing and a risk-benefit discussion. They are not without side effects and can even be fatal for some women. A good doctor will have a proper discussion with a woman before starting them. The cardiovascular risk profile needs assessing as well as cancer risk. How dare you describe a woman’s caution around taking hormones as a ‘weird phobia’.

It might be ignorant you’re right.

Some people are fast thinkers and fast decision maker.

Some people need more time to think about decisions like that.

I bet in time he will come around.

That’s not what I’m suggesting at all, or not what I’m trying to suggest anyway. I was replying to one particular poster whose opinions I disagreed with.

I think the OP’s husband’s response was awful. Even if he doesn’t want the procedure, his response of “I’m not putting myself through that” rather than actually discussing it shows a complete disregard for everything that she has been through physically and emotionally. I can completely understand why she would like him to have the procedure and I am sure in her situation I would want the same.

If you read back through the thread you’ll have more of an idea as to why she had ivf and why condoms are not reliable enough. If you had been through the same as OP you wouldn’t want even the tiniest risk.

You can combine multiple things. You don't have to ejaculate in a condom, in your wife

Condom
Avoiding fertile period
Pulling out

Can be combined in various ways.

Is it unfair that he hasn't agreed to a vasectomy? Somebody has to do something they don't want to. Yes, it'll feel that way. He could change his mind though: this was only his initial reaction. In the meantime, the above is a good option.

@JellyCatPenguin They can also come with significant benefits - but OP has dismissed them without any such discussion.

He probably wants more children

There are unequal risks in this situation.
Another pregnancy will endanger the life of the OP.
The chances of a live birth are reduced considerably and would increase the risk of another miscarriage and that danger.
The risk to the DH from a vasectomy is about equal to walking up and down stairs.
Anyone here who could quote some stats on risk, it's beyond me.

You have no idea where she really stands on this as she has not disclosed her detailed medical history and should not have to. She and other women do not deserve the accusation of having a ‘weird phobia’. It sounds like you are ignorant on this topic.

and quite frankly, this is all the explanation that’s needed:
.I really don't want to go on hormones for birth control as I don't want to mess up my hormones and my body anymore. I suffer enough and have had all number of procedures, tests, examinations, surgical procedures, scans and hormones pumped into my body. I just want to be left alone

Cringing at all the internalised misogyny on this thread

@JellyCatPenguin In the same vein, "I don't want a permanent surgical procedure" is explanation enough.

Poor you for all you’ve been through.

He owes it to you to at very least have a calm discussion about it!

Outright refusal to even discuss and investigate it would be LTB territory for me. Reproductive health in a marriage should be teamwork, men should not be able to opt out.
I would assume he wants to retain his fertility for his next wife unfortunately.

Without any give and take given what his wife has been through?

Why didn’t you say the man had a ‘weird phobia’ of a vasectomy? Why accuse the woman first, who has already been through enough?

The misogyny on this thread is appalling. And the majority view it seems.

Nobody knows where they will be in 10 years time. If they divorced, he would maybe want more children with a new spouse. I know many people who felt their family was complete, divorce came along and then they went on to have another child in their second marriage. It’s not a rare occurrence. If my dp had suggested sterilisation to me (not that he ever would) it would have been a definite no, it is my body. Surely men should have the same autonomy.

They are certainly not considerate and kind men if they cannot "put themselves through" a quick procedure which the vast majority of men get over in a day.

They are pathetic and selfish men who, quite honestly, don't give a fuck about their partner

@JellyCatPenguin It isn't a misery competition. OP's past experiences don't entitle her to impinge on her husband's bodily autonomy - especially in a situation in which a vasectomy is contraindicated.

@Residentevil In the current situation, he may still wonder if OP might change her mind and want more kids.