To be a bit annoyed at double texting friend

Sundaycoffee · 2024-02-20T21:24:30+00:00

AIBU to expect someone to read the room when I don't reply to text messages straight away? I have a friend who has a lot more spare time than I and she tends to double text a lot which is starting to grate on me a bit. For example yesterday evening she sent me a standard "hello how are you doing?" type message with details of her day. Nothing urgent. I was out last night so didn't get time to reply and then today I'm at work, busy busy. Gym, making dinner. I've only just sat down at 9pm to look at my phone to see she's sent me another message a couple of hours ago. It's another hello, how are you message with more details about her day. As if she hadn't sent the last one at all! Is this normal? If I had text a friend a non urgent message and she hadn't responded in 24 hours I wouldn't send a follow up saying the same thing. I think it annoys me as it makes me feel like she thinks she's entitled to my time/attention when she wants it rather than when it suits me to respond. If this was a one off I wouldn't mind so much but it happens frequently and then I feel guilty for not responding faster!

Kath85 · 20/02/2024 21:33

But you aren’t too busy, you just aren’t prioritising her or your friendship. You could have sent a quick reply in the car before or after going to the gym, while your food was cooking or before you went to sleep. You ought to be grateful for your friends effort!

purpleme12 · 20/02/2024 21:35

She just wants some company (albeit by text)

Original poster

Sundaycoffee · 20/02/2024 21:37

Kath85 · 20/02/2024 21:33

But you aren’t too busy, you just aren’t prioritising her or your friendship. You could have sent a quick reply in the car before or after going to the gym, while your food was cooking or before you went to sleep. You ought to be grateful for your friends effort!

Totally see what you mean. She's one of those people that's always on her phone. So if I reply, I know I'm getting a response back in seconds and so I feel like I need to be in a position where I have ample time to have a text conversation there and then!
We spent 2 days together over the weekend so it's not as if we haven't caught up lately either.

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lizkt · 20/02/2024 21:41

Well I'm with you. I wouldn't double-text. It's intrusive.

Worriedaboutleaving · 20/02/2024 21:42

You don’t need to have a text convo there and then. A single reply is lovely. If you have time for more later / the next day or so, then that’s lovely too.

MrsHughesPinny · 20/02/2024 21:42

I have one like this, too. It’s nice to see her once a month or so for dinner or drinks but when she texts she’ll send 4-6 over 10 minutes, I guess hoping I’ll reply.

I have a busy job, plus once I’m home my phone goes in the bedroom on charge and I don’t check it again till right before I go to bed. I know that if I reply to her she’ll be wanting to text back and forth every few minutes for an hour and I can’t be bothered with that, I don’t even do that with DP!

Superawkward · 20/02/2024 21:44

I have someone like this in my life. I usually respond but with a quick 'How are you? Just busy doing XYZ'. So they get the hint I can't have the chat

asdunno · 20/02/2024 21:45

I wouldn't double text either but I tend to sit down and answer all messages in one go rather than as and when. Where's I notice some people text as tho you are chatting so instant responses.

I sense it makes you feel like you should have responded sooner. I think she's just reaching out for a chat. I'd try to accept you have different texting styles and not feel pressured by her texts.

Summerishere123 · 20/02/2024 21:45

Maybe she is hoping to prompt you to reply. She might feel ignored or lonely.

mynewusername2023 · 20/02/2024 21:47

Are you reading but not replying? If so I could understand the double texting. If you don't read them, then it's a bit much to double text, I wouldn't do it

Original poster

Sundaycoffee · 20/02/2024 21:49

Worriedaboutleaving · 20/02/2024 21:42

You don’t need to have a text convo there and then. A single reply is lovely. If you have time for more later / the next day or so, then that’s lovely too.

Thanks. I guess I just feel guilty if I respond then get an instant response from her (so she's knows I see it and am on my phone) to then not respond again.
At the end of a long day of emails I just want a break from communicating back and forth with each other.
I've just responded to her and she replied to it straight away. I haven't responded and then she messages again 5 minutes later asking what I'm watching on tv tonight? And thus the pressure to continue the conversation

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Original poster

Sundaycoffee · 20/02/2024 21:50

mynewusername2023 · 20/02/2024 21:47

Are you reading but not replying? If so I could understand the double texting. If you don't read them, then it's a bit much to double text, I wouldn't do it

No I don't read/ open them until I reply but she still double texts

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RawBloomers · 20/02/2024 21:51

I would not see that as her expecting you to text her at her convenience, I’d see that as her realizing you were too busy the day before and hoping you have some time today. If she is on her phone all the time, she probably thinks yesterday’s text messages are old news and you’ll have forgotten about them today.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 20/02/2024 21:52

She sounds lonely or like she wants more from your friendship than you're able to give right now.

MrsHughesPinny · 20/02/2024 21:53

Sundaycoffee · 20/02/2024 21:49

Thanks. I guess I just feel guilty if I respond then get an instant response from her (so she's knows I see it and am on my phone) to then not respond again.
At the end of a long day of emails I just want a break from communicating back and forth with each other.
I've just responded to her and she replied to it straight away. I haven't responded and then she messages again 5 minutes later asking what I'm watching on tv tonight? And thus the pressure to continue the conversation

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This is exactly what my friend does. Once you reply once you’re expected to reply for an hour or more! It’s what stops me replying!

Original poster

Sundaycoffee · 20/02/2024 21:56

MrsHughesPinny · 20/02/2024 21:42

I have one like this, too. It’s nice to see her once a month or so for dinner or drinks but when she texts she’ll send 4-6 over 10 minutes, I guess hoping I’ll reply.

I have a busy job, plus once I’m home my phone goes in the bedroom on charge and I don’t check it again till right before I go to bed. I know that if I reply to her she’ll be wanting to text back and forth every few minutes for an hour and I can’t be bothered with that, I don’t even do that with DP!

Yes definitely her style of texting which I can't be bothered with a lot of the time!
At least with my other friends if I text they aren't usually responding straight away so the conversation is more relaxed and we each might take a few hours to reply to each other but with this friend I literally get a response in seconds every single time so it just feels a bit unbalanced/pressured

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Ghuunvg · 20/02/2024 21:59

I have a friend like this, it is annoying. Its NEVER the case that she has a delay in replying, unless she's on holiday or has people visiting/is visiting people so I think it's a case of being lonely, but I also do think there's something a bit entitled about it so I understand where you're coming from.
This type of person doesn't understand that if they just backed off and left eg a 24 hour gap between replying to you, you would actually be inspired to engage more as it would feel more balanced. As it is it can sometimes feel like a work tray, where if you clear the tray it instantly fills back up so there's no incentive to empty it

Original poster

Sundaycoffee · 20/02/2024 21:59

MrsHughesPinny · 20/02/2024 21:53

This is exactly what my friend does. Once you reply once you’re expected to reply for an hour or more! It’s what stops me replying!

Show quote history

This, this and this.

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Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 20/02/2024 22:04

I have a friend like this - she is so intrusive, it drives me mad.
And if l reply - boom, she wants a bavk and forth conversations, wants to know all the details of my day. It's too much.

itsfinallyover · 20/02/2024 22:04

It's a tough one, really.

I can see both sides, but I think it might be helpful if you considered her side.

She might be someone who prefer to check in like this, but you might be the sort of person who wants to have a phone conversation (which for me personally strikes dread into my heart) or insists on making convoluted plans to 'meet up' when really just a quick - 'what's going on with you, this is what's going on with me' by message would suffice.

Original poster

Sundaycoffee · 20/02/2024 22:06

Ghuunvg · 20/02/2024 21:59

I have a friend like this, it is annoying. Its NEVER the case that she has a delay in replying, unless she's on holiday or has people visiting/is visiting people so I think it's a case of being lonely, but I also do think there's something a bit entitled about it so I understand where you're coming from.
This type of person doesn't understand that if they just backed off and left eg a 24 hour gap between replying to you, you would actually be inspired to engage more as it would feel more balanced. As it is it can sometimes feel like a work tray, where if you clear the tray it instantly fills back up so there's no incentive to empty it

Totally agree. Would definitely feel more inspired to respond if she left a delay her side but it almost feels like she's on standby waiting for my response and as soon as she gets it, straight away there are more questions and more messages and then I'm in the same predicament and it almost feels worse because she's can see I've read the message and knows I am now sitting down and relaxing after a busy day (because I've just responded telling her that) so to read it and not continue the conversation ongoing seems even more rude in a way.

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TheSlantedOwl · 20/02/2024 22:08

Reply and end it with “off to have a quiet evening now after a long day! Catch up soon’

Original poster

Sundaycoffee · 20/02/2024 22:10

I've replied to her message sent yesterday in one text and she's within seconds sent me 7 more messages within 5 minutes. Ack

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lizkt · 20/02/2024 22:12

She's super needy! So you have to put your boundaries in place. I find just texting back once at the end of the day works. Maybe even next day.

I have a woman from work that does this.

itsfinallyover · 20/02/2024 22:12

I'm very much of the "another meeting that could have been an email" school of thought, though.

So can't bear it when people want me to spend money and time going to dinner catching up with them when we could have just had a quick whatsapp exchange 😂