To be a bit annoyed at double texting friend

[Sundaycoffee]

AIBU to expect someone to read the room when I don't reply to text messages straight away?
I have a friend who has a lot more spare time than I and she tends to double text a lot which is starting to grate on me a bit.
For example yesterday evening she sent me a standard "hello how are you doing?" type message with details of her day. Nothing urgent. I was out last night so didn't get time to reply and then today I'm at work, busy busy. Gym, making dinner. I've only just sat down at 9pm to look at my phone to see she's sent me another message a couple of hours ago.
It's another hello, how are you message with more details about her day. As if she hadn't sent the last one at all!
Is this normal? If I had text a friend a non urgent message and she hadn't responded in 24 hours I wouldn't send a follow up saying the same thing.
I think it annoys me as it makes me feel like she thinks she's entitled to my time/attention when she wants it rather than when it suits me to respond.
If this was a one off I wouldn't mind so much but it happens frequently and then I feel guilty for not responding faster!

This sounds extremely mild to me and wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but then I'm used to this sort of thing. My ND daughter will send me 300 ish messages a day which I reply to on and off throughout the day. We are in the same house but it's how she communicates.

2 messages in a 24 hour period is nothing in my opinion.

I think she's probably just insecure that you haven't text back. Maybe she's projecting after being ghosted by someone before. I get really insecure when people I care about don't reply to my messages, and although I don't go on and send another one for a couple of weeks it definitely makes me feel worried and awful. I don't think it's that she feels entitled to your time, I think she is insecure. Or maybe she's lonely.

If it stresses you out maybe just talk to her about it instead of getting annoyed. Just explain your not a text back straight away kind of person and will message back when you feel like and are able, and then stick to that boundary. I wouldn't read her messages until you have time to reply so then she's not being left on read and your not feeling the pressure to respond to something.

Personally I know I have this problem with insecurity around messaging and I find it significantly easier to deal with when people just say "hey I want to connect with you but I'm not a big texter and will reply when I can" and then they do reply when they can whenever that may be even if it's a week or so later.

I think if you care about her just talking to her about it ia best.

"If I send her a message she’ll reply straight away!!! 🤯” is an odd attitude.

Sorry but, I do agree with this

Jesus I wouldn’t even think twice if a friend did that. I didn’t know ‘double texting’ was even a thing to get wound up about. I have friends who send massive paragraphs, and friends who send about 5 smaller messages filling me in on things. There’s no pressure to reply immediately.
What annoys me is friends who do the above, then I reply and then they don’t! Annoying!
And VOICE NOTES. It’s not quicker. I have to pause whatever I’m listening to, or not listen until later, and then wade through waffle to get to the point!

Send a pic of your cooking and give a nice response then say yum busy cooking or something like that. Then put your phone down.

What annoys me is friends who do the above, then I reply and then they don’t! Annoying!

Oh God, yes! I had a friend who used to do this all the time. She’d text around noon saying, “What time do you want to meet later?” I’d send back, “Is 7.30 okay?” and it would be radio silence for hours. I found it so frustrating - I knew she was there as she’d just messaged me; plus it was her who wanted the answer to a question!!

Why? If someone chooses to send details of their day to their friends, fine, but unless the friends have specifically asked for it I don't see why they have to be grateful.

I had no idea there was any etiquette attached to this so I am guilty of double texting.

I have a friend who texts, I reply and then they phone immediately. I find this incredibly annoying for some reason and it puts me off replying at all because I know I am going to get a call if I do. I have tried to explain to the person that I can't always talk when I can text but the calls will stop for a couple of days then restart. I have found that I am now avoiding the person as much as possible. Sometimes I have time to send a quick text but I don't have time for 90mins of the same conversation every time. Multiple times a day. Always when trying to leave for work or eating dinner.

I think you should talk to her and just say that you can't always reply as you're doing x,y or z and that you do care about her but you prefer to send a message when you have time to sit down and do it properly.
And then stick to those boundaries. Ignore the double texting and immediate replies to texts. Only reply if you have time.

You aren't that busy. No one is. You had time to come on MN and type all that didn't you?

I have a friend just the same as you. I sent her a whatsapp Sunday morning about having a catch-up over half term. She doesn't reply until late Monday night (over 24 hours later). I replied to her message early yesterday morning, and she still hasn't replied. It's taken us since Sunday morning to NOT manage to set a time for a catch-up.

I love her dearly, she's my best and oldest friend. But her inability to keep on top of her messages is really annoying.

I'm with @hothotheatbag and a few others. It makes me really sad to read this. She sounds a little lonely. There's a million threads on here about friendship issues and people looking for their tribe and here you are coming across quite heartless ( to me) and dismissive of a friends efforts to stay in touch. Maybe she doesn't have many people to chat to. And she's not even saying hey where's my answer? You're putting that on yourself.

I have ADHD and one thing I realised is that other people genuinely don't have as much time as me because they don't chaotically multi-task in the same way that I do.

If I'm standing in the queue at Tesco and someone messages me I'll message them back there and then. My phone is in my hand anyway. I don't need a specific 'time' to tap out a few words on my phone.

Lots of other people don't work like this. They are doing one thing - whatever that things is - and only that one thing.

So like the OP went to the gym and for her that's obviously not something she can combine with sending a text.

For me, I'll get to my class five minutes early, set up my Bodypump step then catch up with my correspondence while I wait for the instructor.

No one is right or wrong, just different. OP can't multitask or chooses not to, others can and so it's no big deal.

But it's not just one reply. You reply and they'll reply instantly to that so you're expected to reply again, and again, and again. Not everyone is attached constantly to their phone or wants to be at everyone else's beck and call 24-7.

I get it completely. You think you've caught up and then you're immediately back at the start again. And half the time it's mindless drivel that would be fine in a face to face conversation but on text it's just a waste of time, particularly when you've lots to do.

My sister does this so now after getting her message I put phone on silent, reply, watch her call, txt her back that I can txt but not talk and then put phone off silent a few minutes later.😀
I do this genuinely, there are a lot of moments in my life when I can txt but can’t answer a call. And I have unlimited txts and enough internet allowance now for WhatsApp messages or txts.

Your friend is another tactless inconsiderate idiot who believes the world revolves around them.
You are doing the right thing. Carry on with your life and only reply when you have the time. If she finds it annoying, it's her bloody problem.

YANBU

People like this are needy and desperate and they annoy the fuck out of me too

Argh I have a friend who will instantly facetime me if I message her.

I don't like it but I do like her so I answer.

I'd imagine they don't stay your friend for long, though, given you can't stand them?

I think it’s fair enough to have one day out of the week eg Sunday where you don’t look at screens.

Personally I wouldn’t text a friend about something like this on a Sunday as I would assume they were busy with family.

And Mondays are always busy! I don’t understand the rush. Without wishing to sound rude, it sounds as though your friend has her priorities right.

This is different to the scenario above but I have a family member who doesn’t work who is bored and sends text after text and WhatsApp message after WhatsApp message and I find it quite annoying and stressful and intrusive. I’ve told them in a jokey way that I can’t keep up but they don’t take the hint!
The irony is that during the very rare times when they are busy, they are very precious and self-important about it!

Tbh, for non urgent messages, I think the ease of communication that comes with texting and messaging needs to be tempered with a matching understanding that it’s fine if your correspondent doesn’t reply immediately, and an assumption that they probably have more important things to do in rl.

@itsfinallyover

No, I don't have any friends like this because I simply wouldn't stay friends with them. People like this are draining.

Not to highjack the thread - but those of you who don't reply to friends unless it suits you, can you give me some genuine advice on how to proceed with this one...

I had a text exchange last Saturday with a friend about meeting up. She suggested Friday this week for a walk, I replied on Saturday Friday sounds good.

She hasn't responded (so we're four days later) to confirm Friday and another friend has now asked me if I want to go for a walk on Friday.

So, apparently double texting is not ok, I'm just supposed to sit here and hope she confirms at some point before Friday that we are meeting up?

And fuck off a consistent friend who replies in a timely fashion when making arrangements on the off chance that original friend WILL actually confirm?

And that's ok behaviour from original friend?

Some people would love a friend that wants to text them etc.

YES! Why do they never seem to find each other?! Why do they always latch on to the person who doesn't want to text them constantly?

You aren't that busy. No one is. You had time to come on MN and type all that didn't you?

Sorry but I think this is quite a selfish assumption (not about Mumsnet 😀) but about no one being too busy to be able to reply to a text. How do you know that you are the only person texting and expecting a prompt answer?

Messenger and WhatsApp are great for keeping in touch but I have a massive immediate and extended family, loads of friends, and other contacts through hobbies and other voluntary activities, and most of them, thankfully, use these communication methods thoughtfully and sparingly. But honestly, if I allowed every communication they sent to interrupt my work, or even just my time at home, I would be constantly diverted from what needs to get done. There are only so many hrs in the day!

It’s not just about replying, it’s about the constant interruptions and having to divert your mind back to what you were doing before. It wastes time.

You have to lay down a boundary somewhere, and when and how you reply does that to a certain extent. Again, I don’t mean to be rude, but maybe your late replying friend is trying to tell you something?