To be a bit annoyed at double texting friend

[Sundaycoffee]

AIBU to expect someone to read the room when I don't reply to text messages straight away?
I have a friend who has a lot more spare time than I and she tends to double text a lot which is starting to grate on me a bit.
For example yesterday evening she sent me a standard "hello how are you doing?" type message with details of her day. Nothing urgent. I was out last night so didn't get time to reply and then today I'm at work, busy busy. Gym, making dinner. I've only just sat down at 9pm to look at my phone to see she's sent me another message a couple of hours ago.
It's another hello, how are you message with more details about her day. As if she hadn't sent the last one at all!
Is this normal? If I had text a friend a non urgent message and she hadn't responded in 24 hours I wouldn't send a follow up saying the same thing.
I think it annoys me as it makes me feel like she thinks she's entitled to my time/attention when she wants it rather than when it suits me to respond.
If this was a one off I wouldn't mind so much but it happens frequently and then I feel guilty for not responding faster!

You obviously have very different expectations and preferences of how to catch up via text.

FWIW I am 100% you here. (And I'm a bit shocked by PPs suggesting that you are obligated to get into these text convos when you don't want to? No one has a right to hound you into engaging with them endlessly...)

I manage this by having most people 'archived' in my WhatsApp messages. That way, I get no notification that they've messaged me, and I can go into the messages at a time that is convenient and respond. Then leave the archived section and be done with it, (caveat- don't do this with anyone likely to send you messages that are important and need early attention!)

I really just can't bare spending time texting all different friends about routine and mundane stuff. Yes- text me if someone in particular has happened. Or there is something in particular you want to ask me. Or to arrange to meet up. Or if you've had a particularly bad day and need a friend. But I won't spend my evenings texting about 'how my day was', what I had for lunch, and what I'm watching on telly etc. This includes DH!

As some other posters have said, when you see the message, assuming it's all mundane stuff, just reply and say you're putting your phone away for the evening to concentrate on XYZ or you feel like you've been on screens all day etc.

My good friends have just accepted that I'm not a 'texter' and that we will catch up on the more granular and detailed parts of our lives when we catch up in person.

I feel like I need to be in a position where I have ample time to have a text conversation there and then!

I have conversations with my friends that can span days. That's the joy of the text message, you can pick it up whenever you have a couple of minutes free.

If you need to set aside half an hour to have a dedicated conversation it may as well just be a phone call.

I think YA(a bit)U for not replying for over 24hrs.

My sister double or triple voice notes. Does my head in

People who text like this aren't doing it because they're thinking of you and are good friends they're doing it for validation and because they don't have enough in person connection

Yeah, maybe you should just end the friendship since you don't seem to like her. You had time to start and reply to a thread. Priorities.

I don't have anyone who does this thankfully. They accept a non response. I also have a policy of not replying straight away even if I have my phone with me, unless it's urgent in some way, and my friends seem to be the same. Also I'll do end the convo responses if I don't have time / not in the mood - with an emoji, or short phrase (sounds fun! etc). So there's nothing to reply to.

Messaging is useful to keep in touch but it doesn't replace in person meetings in anyway, IMO. I'm older anyway and so are my friends, so we haven't always had easy access to messaging.

In your case OP, I'd try to never respond immediately and only respond with closed statements (no asking questions) unless you are in the mood. Making excuses will just give her the green light to keep trying.

Why are any of you friends with these people? You sound like you resent them.

And if you can't get connection from a friend where else are you meant to turn?

She sounds lonely and lacking in confidence
She's probably imagining she's upset you ,and worried because you've not replied.
Perhaps she is more invested in the friendship than you are ,maybe she senses this and needs confirmation she's important to you .
You found the time to post on here complaining about her ..yet didn't prioritize the time to reply to her
I suggest she likes you a lot more than you like her

Yep. I have a friend whose messages I won't open until I'm ready to reply because of this.

I also don't phone her often because if the call is less than an hour she does this disappointed whiney thing. It makes me feel like I have a duty to perform.

I used to feel guilty about it, but tbh it's exhausting and she's on thin ice now.

I have the same problem. I use what’s app and the person I’m responding to is waiting for me, I can feel it. So I compose the message in drafts, copy, paste into the chat and get back offline instantly. Sometimes I’m just too busy to start a whole convo!

I think people saying that you're not invested in the friendship or that you don't deserve your friend are extremely harsh. Friendship is about understanding each other's differences and preferences and loving each other anyway.

I'm not a big texter, I've never been someone to make small talk over text (ie what are you watching on TV right now?). For me it's usually to make plans, or if it's someone I haven't seen in a while an update on how things are.

I would just keep doing what you feel happy to communicate, and she'll do the same. Eventually you'll both know each others boundaries and expectations.

The problem is we live in an age now where it’s really hard to switch off. Some people don’t want to, and find it really hard to understand those that do want some time to themselves (think the kind of colleague who always sends whole team work emails out of hours to show everyone that they’re the most dedicated worker), while others really need that switch off time and find it hard to understand how others can be always on the go.

The thing is, these two kinds of people have always existed. I remember when I was a child, whenever the phone rang my Mum would always say, “Who’s this intruding on my evening?” before answering it. When me and my sister really wanted a computer that had the Internet on it, Mum said that it would be like having strangers in your house all the time wanting your attention (a bit of an exaggeration, but that is what it can feel like at times!)

I honestly think it’s similar to the introvert/extrovert conversation. Some people are fuelled by interaction, others are drained by it. It is very hard to understand the other kind of person.

Back to your post, OP: you’re not wrong to be frustrated by your friend’s communication style, but equally she’s not wrong to want some validation. I understand because my sister is like your friend, and I know how draining it can be to always know they’ll respond immediately and you feel pressured into conversation, but sometimes you just need to be firm but kind and say you don’t have time for a chat right now but you’ll be up for it tomorrow/the weekend/whenever. Just make sure you do then initiate a conversation when you’re ready.

I have a friend like this. I send back a - ‘busy right now will reply later’ - (she knows I work full time - she doesn’t) could that maybe slow her down?

Widen your friendship group and do more activities so you are getting a continuous supply of interaction from multiple sources and aren't relying on just three or four people

My friend who is like this is bad, yesterday she sent 3 photos of her outfit, a 3 min voice note explaining about her ankle sprain, a link to a book she is reading ATM and a detailed breakdown of all her summer travel plans (this was without me even replying to one of these messages). I am interested in her life but I'm not interested in spending 20 min sifting through her daily updates, responding appropriately to each one and then getting slammed with more updates Mere seconds after replying to the first batch

Friends like this are really off putting. You can like them and they be lovely people but it's like boyfriends- if you're too keen it puts people off and suffocates them. The level of texting the OP is facing would drive me absolutely nuts. BACK OFF!

I can see both sides of this: I do think both that your friend is a bit needy and annoying and that you sound a bit self important.

The texting style is the biggest issue here and I do think people’s perspectives about normal are very different. Personally I am fine with double texting but I do also understand the reluctance to get sucked into a back and forth at the end of a long and draining day. I have friends who do this and I think it’s absolutely fine to ignore this.

But if you’re totally honest with yourself I don’t really see that a brief response like “Hi, all good can’t chat now, speak later?” Is too demanding. If she then fires back a load of texts you can just ignore. If you feel she’s not respecting boundaries you might need to tell her f2f.

I think it's rude not to respond to any message from someone you consider a friend. How long does it take to say ( as I and friends do when busy) 'Hi, I'm well but busy atm will have to text properly hopefully tomorrow, xx'. Compare that to time you chose to spend at the gym!

This.
There are hundreds and hundreds of tiny moments in the day when you could reply to a text from someone who is supposedly a friend. None of us are as busy as we like to think we are. You are choosing to not prioritise her. That's your choice. If I was her I'd wander off and find a better friend.

I suppose it’s not the texting twice is bothering you, and it’s not that you can’t answer at this particular moment. It seems that you don’t like chatting by texts about life and nothing. It’s fine but then you need to tell your friend about it, something that you are not really into texting, but I would think carefully why is that.
Is it about time? One of my friend is always saying that she is busy. And she is, believe me, but it what she’s chosen. So if you are busy because you are volunteering every second beyond your main work it gives message that you don’t want to leave time and space for friends. If you are busy because you have 2 small kids and you are sorting clothes, packed lunches, newsletters after work and then you are just shattered- it’s different busy.
And some people just don’t like texting they’d rather meet up .

It’s a text 😂 people double text all the time. Mute her if it annoys you but you sound a bit ridiculous. Maybe it’s a generation thing but me and my friends send multiple texts as standard but we don’t expect instant replies.

I think we have the same friend..
Im starting to leave it longer and longer between relies and also I’ve stopped apologising and saying I’m busy. It’s not helping so far but I feel like I’m trying 🤣

I don’t really understand it like my friend messages daily, I respond. If I’m really busy etc I will respond when I can and just say. Hey we are okay thanks just really busy today will message you tomorrow when free.
if I’m not busy I will continue the conversation with her until one of us needs to go do something and we will say bye speak soon.
ignoring is just rude.
i however enjoy my friends conversation and If I didn’t then I she wouldn’t be my friend.

I sometimes text twice but immediately after my first one as part of one narrative. This I think, is because I'm from the Instant Messenger era and I forget I'm not on messenger (or Facebook messenger) where it is (or was), normal to put each paragraph in a separate message purely out of habit

I’m a bit torn. I get that a stream of messages can be a bit much. But it seems like you’re annoyed that your friend replies back if you reply to her. That’s a normal thing to do! Okay, you’re not in the mood to chat, but that isn’t her fault - “If I send her a message she’ll reply straight away!!! 🤯” is an odd attitude.

As for the poster who says she has a “policy” of never replying to messages straight away, who is that desperate to be in full control the whole time? If you have time to reply and actually like the person, just reply. There’s no law saying you then have to be immediately available forever.

I have time to reply, I do; if I don’t, I do it later. I assume my friends do the same. This power play and “acceptable delay” in replying all sounds exhausting.