To be a bit annoyed at double texting friend

[Sundaycoffee]

AIBU to expect someone to read the room when I don't reply to text messages straight away?
I have a friend who has a lot more spare time than I and she tends to double text a lot which is starting to grate on me a bit.
For example yesterday evening she sent me a standard "hello how are you doing?" type message with details of her day. Nothing urgent. I was out last night so didn't get time to reply and then today I'm at work, busy busy. Gym, making dinner. I've only just sat down at 9pm to look at my phone to see she's sent me another message a couple of hours ago.
It's another hello, how are you message with more details about her day. As if she hadn't sent the last one at all!
Is this normal? If I had text a friend a non urgent message and she hadn't responded in 24 hours I wouldn't send a follow up saying the same thing.
I think it annoys me as it makes me feel like she thinks she's entitled to my time/attention when she wants it rather than when it suits me to respond.
If this was a one off I wouldn't mind so much but it happens frequently and then I feel guilty for not responding faster!

Good God! Have things got to the stage where we have to be grateful for a friend expecting an immediate reply to their text? If you’re so desperate for a conversation why not call and have a conversation?

lol! You can’t win! Just keep doing what you’re doing; texting short and infrequent. Hopefully, she’ll find someone who enjoys that kind of banter and let you off the hook.

I think the best way to deal with this friend is to be honest, tell her you don’t enjoy text conversations or voice notes, and also that you really prefer to stay off devices at home. Maybe say something about a digital detox. Make it clear its not about her personally. When you see her in person, make clear how much you value the friendship and reiterate your preference for in person conversations and not digital. Anything else is going to make her more insecure and paranoid and will increase the texting.

I don't disagree with what you wrote but if the text person is having that many issues the OP cannot replace them getting counselling or other professional help

Person 1 has an issue with person 2 but Person 1 has to fix person 2 or do things to stop them feeling bad, that is not on them or fair on them

Of course you don't have to reply straight away. I'd probably ignore the fact that she's 'double-texted' and reply when convenient.

You don't have to give an excuse either ("I was really busy" etc - particularly if you're implying that she isn't). Many of us don't reply instantly to catch-up messages. It's fine.

As for the long voice messages, I just wouldn't listen to them! I'd probably admit that to a friend too.

I don’t think it’s about fixing the friend, rather setting clear boundaries and explaining why. Too often people try to do something sneaky to save someone else’s feelings and it almost always backfires and causes more hurt. Just being honest is really what’s needed here.

It's a non-issue. It doesn't matter how quickly she responds, you can just reply when you want and that will naturally slow the conversation down. She will be talking to herself if she keeps writing, and you can just respond with something nice and friendly once a day.

You know you can listen to people on double speed?

I think you need to tell your friend her messaging is too much. If you've never told her, how will she know.
If that's doesn't work for her, she can speak with her other friends.
Some of my friends will message a couple of times a month to arrange a meet up, some will message most days, you need to manage her expectations.
However, I don't think you're being very kind to your friend on this thread, I hope you're nicer to her when you spend time together and are just using this as a forum to vent.

I’d just tell her constant bombarding annoys you and you don’t have time to respond to them or to listen to ‘podcasts’
I’d just be honest with her that you don’t like it

Just send a thumbs up emoji after the second one. It’s a response but you don’t have to get involved.

for me if its really urgent ring if it needs an instant reply you'll get and instant reply. you don't dictate my time ill reply when i am ready depending on how busy or not i am

Your update on the podcasts makes me feel even worse for you! In these situations I often reply with emojis so I know I've answered but it doesn't engage conversation. Keep doing emojis and she'll get the hint eventually you're not up for text chat.

Ok so just tell her u only want to use ur phone to arrange the meet ups and ignore the rest.

Don’t get what the drama is.

Well said!!

@Missyc11 No not "well said", read the thread.

Speaking as someone who's sufficiently long in the tooth to remember the days when a daily phone call counted as a lot of contact, sometimes I feel like the world's gone mad. People who are saying it 'only takes a minute' to message someone back are missing the point imho. The expectation that people should drop everything and reply instantly if someone else happens to feel like messaging them feels really entitled.

I do have and use WhatsApp and other messaging apps, and I use them, as well as texting. But I abhor the pressure to be always reachable and the expectation that replies will be instantaneous. People probably think I'm being arsey with them sometimes because I'm not permanently glued to my phone, don't always have any messaging apps open, and therefore don't see their messages for a few hours, or even sometime - gasp! - till the next day. But my friends and family know I care about them without me having to pepper them with texts to prove it. They also know that if there's a genuine need I will put other things to one side and spend time messaging/talking with/seeing them. But it's simply not reasonable to expect everyone to be constantly receptive to and engaged in every message exchange others happen to feel like initiating. People have lives to live.

I think the frequency of communication OP's describing from her friend is excessive, personally. Barring situations where an emergency might arise (e.g. with a vulnerable parent), we simply do not have to be at the constant beck and call of our friends or relatives in order for them to know they are being thought about and cared about.

@Missyc11 Let us guess, you're a double texter 😂
A few seconds to reply to a text.. yes. But then another comes, and another.. etc..
Learn to read.

I'd wait and have a conversation with her when you're next together, along the lines of 'please don't take my not immediately replying to your texts the wrong way, I don't have it at work, and it's on charge as soon as I get home. I'll always reply when I've got half hour to respond properly '

Are you for real!? OP, I used to know someone like this. I ghosted her because I can't be doing with that level of needy. Is she someone you actual like spending time with? Because if not, I wouldn't bother responding too often at all.

It sounds to me as though you don’t really care for the friendship if a quick “sorry but I can’t catch up right now, I’ll message you later”, or something similar is a bother for you. No lengthy discussion, just a I can’t right now would suffice

Surely if someone hasn't replied then it's obvious that they can't catch up right now?

Fair enough if you're not going to reply for a week, but are grown adults really that fragile that they can't cope for 24 hours without a reply to their text?

You really shouldn't need to baby people like this

I don’t see it as babying.
I see it as courtesy.
Some people with ND brains may not be able to wait as long as someone who was NT?