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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed at double texting friend

203 replies

Sundaycoffee · 20/02/2024 21:24

AIBU to expect someone to read the room when I don't reply to text messages straight away?
I have a friend who has a lot more spare time than I and she tends to double text a lot which is starting to grate on me a bit.
For example yesterday evening she sent me a standard "hello how are you doing?" type message with details of her day. Nothing urgent. I was out last night so didn't get time to reply and then today I'm at work, busy busy. Gym, making dinner. I've only just sat down at 9pm to look at my phone to see she's sent me another message a couple of hours ago.
It's another hello, how are you message with more details about her day. As if she hadn't sent the last one at all!
Is this normal? If I had text a friend a non urgent message and she hadn't responded in 24 hours I wouldn't send a follow up saying the same thing.
I think it annoys me as it makes me feel like she thinks she's entitled to my time/attention when she wants it rather than when it suits me to respond.
If this was a one off I wouldn't mind so much but it happens frequently and then I feel guilty for not responding faster!

OP posts:
soupfiend · 20/02/2024 22:12

I get this sometimes.

I barely use my phone so dont really understand people that are constantly on it, looking at it, responding on it. I will check mine now and then, never use it in the car or when Im out and about. It stays in my bag. In fact its there now and will stay there all night.

newyear2024 · 20/02/2024 22:14

You're able to reply back and forth on this thread pretty quickly so I don't see a difference in having a conversation with a friend via text and replying to people on a thread? If I'm busy I just send my friend a quick voice note saying something like 'hey girl I'm good, just really busy here ill text you 2moro" or something like that. A double text wouldn't annoy me in the slightest but I actually like my friends lol

Sasqwatch · 20/02/2024 22:16

‘read the room’ get over yourself OP 🙄

purpleme12 · 20/02/2024 22:16

OP I have one friend who honestly sometimes sends text after text after text.
But I don't feel obliged to have this continuous conversation with her there and then or even to reply to all the texts. It's a bit much sometimes.
But if that's the case I just reply when I do. And I don't reply to every single text either.
Nothing bad has ever come of this from her.
No stress.

You haven't actually mentioned her reacting badly to you not texting back in this thread?
You've just said you feel pressure.

MixedCouple · 20/02/2024 22:19

It isn't that serious. Respond when you can. Mute her if it irritates you so much. And just say you were busy and had a lot on.

clpsmum · 20/02/2024 22:27

some friend you are. You're pissed off she's expecting you to take between 3-10 seconds of your day to text her back. I really don't know how some people maintain friendships. You can start a thread slagging her off to strangers but you can't text her back. 🙄

Ghuunvg · 20/02/2024 22:32

clpsmum · 20/02/2024 22:27

some friend you are. You're pissed off she's expecting you to take between 3-10 seconds of your day to text her back. I really don't know how some people maintain friendships. You can start a thread slagging her off to strangers but you can't text her back. 🙄

But it's not 10 seconds as she will then reply right back

clpsmum · 20/02/2024 22:36

It is if you reply I'm fine but busy will catch h up soon x

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/02/2024 22:39

My best friend and I double (triple, quadruple etc) text all the time!

It's a bit of a stream of consciousness, of things I want to share with her. She responds when she can, and if I'm busy will do the same.

We just use the 'reply to' feature to make it clear what we're responding to (eg no laughing at sad news.) some things don't even warrant a response, it's just shared!

We never run out of things to talk about in real life either. My son rolls his eyes when he knows I'm on the phone with her as he knows I'll likely be a few hours.

BUT - I can also say "watching a movie with DS" and she won't be the least bit annoyed that I'm not texting back.

I would never do it with other friends though. It's a sign of just how close we are.

ilikemethewayiam · 20/02/2024 23:28

I have a friend like this. If I don’t reply within say an hour, I get a string of texts or a phone call. Now I send a one liner saying ‘can’t talk right now, will text when I’m free.’ That holds her off and gives me breathing space until I have time to get into a conversation.

Rosesrosesroses · 20/02/2024 23:34

I dont double text but one of my friends texts with a question to which I answer straight away and then I might ask something as part of the response and then I hear nothing for 3 days! It's irritating. If you don't have time for your friend then you don't deserve her friendship. There is always the option of a quick reply and just adding you are busy right now.

Lilysienna1 · 20/02/2024 23:42

I have a friend that starts sending question marks when I don’t reply within an hour… just single question marks. Occasionally more. I had another friend once that would say ‘have I upset you? Have I don’t something wrong?’ When not replying lengthy messages … I’m trying to learn and accept that people’s way of communication and how they think a friendship should work, can be very very different 🫣

Noseybookworm · 20/02/2024 23:44

Can you send a quick reply 'Hi lovely, I'm good thanks, just on my way out/really busy day at work/off to tesco - text you later!' Then you're letting her know you're going to be busy for a while! Hopefully she'll get the message ☺️

SD1978 · 20/02/2024 23:56

She sent a message one day, and a message the next day. You chose not to prioritise sending her a quick message back. She clearly is more invested in the friendship than you are, and you seem dismissive of the fact.

VampireWeekday · 21/02/2024 00:35

In this situation it's bad but I'm don't think there's an etiquette on double texting. I regularly send my friend long texts as an when, I know she's busy and will reply all at once when it suits her. That's fine by me.

Sweetlikechoca · 21/02/2024 02:57

OP I have similar and while I really value the friendship and love my friend dearly, we are worlds apart in terms of what we think a healthy level of communication is.

My friend will send really lengthy messages with multiple repeated questions each time, multiple times a day.

However, we live hugely different lives and I believe this is why we are very different communicators.

You can definitely value a friendship while finding it a bit overwhelming and a bit too much at times.

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 21/02/2024 03:21

I have a friend that never responds to text's or phone calls until it suits them, maybe 3 days to a week later. This is deliberate and used as a method of control, ie showing me who is boss. I stopped communicating at all and now receive calls and texts from them. The relationship is widening by the year now with biannual meet ups at best. Modern comms has created infinitely more ways for people to take offence and misunderstanding than we ever had in the old days.

EcstaticMarmalade · 21/02/2024 03:22

It’s not a game of chess. You’re allowed to be yourself, so is she.

If you like her, adapt a little bit in the ways PP have suggested (“Hiya, I’m fine, glad you’re doing well, busy now but will catch up soon”) etc.

If even that’s too much effort with you, have a think about whether a) you want to continue the friendship b) how good your friendship and communication skills are.

Basically anytime you’re expecting someone to be psychic and know what you want without clearly telling them, you’re likely to be disappointed.

WandaWonder · 21/02/2024 03:28

If I need a reply I will say for anything urgent if not then it is up to the person to reply when they can

if someone cant accept that then they should not text in the first place, there is rule that says people have to reply a certain way

I get people are busy so leave in ther hands and I do the same to others

Blackcats7 · 21/02/2024 03:37

It sounds as if you don’t like her that much.
How would you feel if she found out that you would write a thread like this?
If she is someone you value you would be pleased to hear from her and take a minute to at least reply that you are ok but busy with whatever and will reply properly later.
If my friend was regularly ignoring my texts it would make me think I was clearly not wanted so I would stop communicating and question the relationship.
Never take a good friend for granted if you actually want to keep them.

WandaWonder · 21/02/2024 03:47

Blackcats7 · 21/02/2024 03:37

It sounds as if you don’t like her that much.
How would you feel if she found out that you would write a thread like this?
If she is someone you value you would be pleased to hear from her and take a minute to at least reply that you are ok but busy with whatever and will reply properly later.
If my friend was regularly ignoring my texts it would make me think I was clearly not wanted so I would stop communicating and question the relationship.
Never take a good friend for granted if you actually want to keep them.

But I know my friends get busy and just because they dont reply in the timeframe I have set does not mean they are not thinking about me, I understand they are busy and will text when they do

It works both ways

hothotheatbag · 21/02/2024 03:56

This thread makes me sad. All those nice people trying to be friendly putting effort into messaging and clearly thinking about you as their friends, thinking you'd be interested.

You don't deserve these people and will be sad when they have gone. Busy with life but can't make a cuppa sit down and spend some time with someone who was thinking about you during their day.

Then next week there will be a thread "I'm so lonely" please just nurture these friendships they are fleeting and will be gone quickly.

Summerscoming23 · 21/02/2024 04:03

Awk let her be. She's clearly lonely and you have different messaging styles. Tell her this in person,i leave my phone in my room etc. Double texting isn't the worst in this scenario,she isn't trying to date you! She thinks you are friends not that she's getting ignored and slagged off online

AGoingConcern · 21/02/2024 05:16

“Super busy today & trying to stay off my phone. Let’s catch up Sunday ❤️”

That’s it.

badwolf82 · 21/02/2024 05:34

Just be honest with her? Tell her you don’t enjoy text conversations and you need time at home in the evening to relax away from your phone after a stressful work day. That you value her as a friend but your communication styles are different etc. Trying to ghost her is going to make her feel insecure and probably increase the texting.

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