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Original poster

I want out of this, what are my options, please help

207 replies

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:32

Another awful weekend with Dp, but something has finally snapped in me and I want out, no matter how hard it will be.
Beautiful, sunny day and sat in the car trying not to cry earlier, after Dp called me weird and a narcissist, I’d done nothing wrong, he has simmering aggression and I’m starting to actually hate him.
We’re not married, but have a house in both our names and have a young Dd and dog. The best would be for Dd to stay in her house and for all that to stay the same and for him to leave and us to share custody between us somehow. How do I get him to do this? I’m not sure I could afford the mortgage alone, what can I do in this situation?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 18/02/2024 20:35

Best for who? You?

if you want to separate you’ll need to think if you can buy him out and whether you can take the mortgage on your own, and come to a fair arrangement re child arrangements. Will he want 50:50 for example

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2024 20:38

Where will your young DD go during times she is with her father though if his equity is tied into the house you live in? It would be better for her for you to sell and both get a new place with a room for her.

Ponoka7 · 18/02/2024 20:39

You have to think/plan were your life would be if you had to leave. He's verbally abusing you, could that escalate? Could you stay with family? Legal advice would be a good starting point.

Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:40

@millymollymoomoo The best for Dd of course? The house and garden she grew up in, her dog, her best friend neighbours two doors down, her school within walking distance. The security of not uprooting her. The best for my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:42

@Ponoka7 Very verbally abusive, always has been when angry. I could take it when just me, don’t want Dd to ever hear it

OP posts:
AlltheFs · 18/02/2024 20:42

It doesn’t work like that. If you split you either buy him out if you can afford it or sell and move.

Kids move happily, they really give no shits. My DD finds moving house exciting.

You can’t have your cake and eat it.

Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:43

@TheSnowyOwl If I was able to keep paying the mortgage alone, would this work. I can’t afford to buy him out, but when it’s sold, he could have his share

OP posts:
HelloMiss · 18/02/2024 20:43

Start logging with police?

Zanatdy · 18/02/2024 20:43

I guess you need to consider can you afford to buy him out? It sounds like the answer is no, because he’s going to want his share of the house so he can house himself and when his daughter stays. If you can’t afford to buy him out your only option is to sell and buy something else, or rent if you can’t afford to buy alone. I had to do the latter as house prices are so high in the south east and it’s only now 13yrs later I’m in a position to buy something. I don’t regret leaving though, even if my original mortgage would have been almost paid off now

Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:44

@AlltheFs Have my cake and eat it?
The thought of tearing my Dd from all that she knows and loves is heartbreaking to me, let alone saying about Dh. This is what keeps me here

OP posts:
Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:45

@HelloMiss Arguments? How do I do that, what would I say?

OP posts:
eatsleepfarmrepeat · 18/02/2024 20:45

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:43

@TheSnowyOwl If I was able to keep paying the mortgage alone, would this work. I can’t afford to buy him out, but when it’s sold, he could have his share

Can you see him accepting this, I mean, would you accept this? You either need to buy him out or it is sold and the equity split.

Fedupdoc · 18/02/2024 20:47

Unfortunately I suspect you will have to sell up and split the money/find another house. Unless your soon to be ex DP is very minted and also generous. Regardless I applaud your courage, no one should stay with someone when unhappy

Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:47

@eatsleepfarmrepeat I think it’s more that he won’t leave. It could take ages to sell the house at the moment

OP posts:
QueenBean22 · 18/02/2024 20:47

How old is your daughter? Has she started school?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 18/02/2024 20:47

Unfortunately, I would say it’s highly unlikely that he’ll be happy to leave his equity in the house. He would surely need it to be able to buy somewhere himself. As much as you might want to keep your DD in the house she knows, I think you need to be more realistic.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2024 20:48

You need legal and financial advice, ASAP. Get it without him knowing.

Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:49

@Aquamarine1029 Im looking for a family lawyer, is that the route to take?

OP posts:
Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:50

@QueenBean22 She’s 5

OP posts:
Cantalever · 18/02/2024 20:50

I am well out of the loop on this, but can it really be the case that if parents separate, and it is best for their child to stay in the home with the mother (even if shared custody), that the father does not continue to pay something to keep his child's roof over her head? Surely he has some responsibility towards housing his child? Does he not pay anything towards the mortgage just because he is not living there? That would seem too much like changing the goalposts after parenthood had been embarked on. Getting ready to be shot down if this is really out of touch with reality.

Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:52

@Cantalever I believe that to be fair too, her whole life is here, all her friends, neighbours she knows, just thinking about it makes me think that I just need to find a way to put up with it and stay

OP posts:
IIdentifyAsInnocent · 18/02/2024 20:52

You can't expect him to just move out and leave you there until you decide to sell. That is crazy, he would be incurring huge extra cost, and ultimately, if you are going to pay the whole mortgage and then give him half the equity at some undetermined point in the future, you are also incurring a huge hidden cost.

You are going to have to make a decision, is your (and your child's) mental health worth being miserable in an unhappy relationship for, versus having to move house, get a bus or walk to school and see friends?

Personally, I'd pick MH everytime. You can move house easily even if you don't want to. MH can sometimes never be fixed and poor MHhas huge implications.

Gymmum82 · 18/02/2024 20:53

if he would leave you could stay in the house and he pay you maintenance which might help you cover the mortgage for a short while. But ultimately you will have to either buy him out of the house or sell and move somewhere you can afford on your own. It might not be what’s best for your child but he is entitled to half the equity in the house whether you think he deserves it or not

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 18/02/2024 20:53

You aren’t married. You won’t be able to stay. Even if you were married, people rarely to get to stay in the house. Especially if they can’t afford to cover the mortgage, bills and upkeep.

He would need to agree out of the goodness of his own heart, But then he could change his mind at any moment.

You need to split. You need to accept life will be different. The whole ‘I can’t drag her from her life’, you aren’t. People and kids move all the time.

You want to stay and making it emotionally charged by saying you must stay for your dds well being.

AnnieBuddyHere · 18/02/2024 20:56

HelloMiss · 18/02/2024 20:43

Start logging with police?

"Hello, is that the police? Dp called me weird and a narcissist".

What do you think the response would be, honestly?

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