I want out of this, what are my options, please help

[Godifeelsolow]

Another awful weekend with Dp, but something has finally snapped in me and I want out, no matter how hard it will be.
Beautiful, sunny day and sat in the car trying not to cry earlier, after Dp called me weird and a narcissist, I’d done nothing wrong, he has simmering aggression and I’m starting to actually hate him.
We’re not married, but have a house in both our names and have a young Dd and dog. The best would be for Dd to stay in her house and for all that to stay the same and for him to leave and us to share custody between us somehow. How do I get him to do this? I’m not sure I could afford the mortgage alone, what can I do in this situation?

But she won't necessarily get a happy mum just by dint of her mum breaking up with her dad. This is the reality so few want to acknowledge

I have to say I agree with this. My mum left our dad when I was 12. She actually became deeply depressed and it took years for her to be ok. My dad emotionally manipulated me. Sure my life wasn’t rosy when they were together but it got worse when they split up.

That being said, I agree that if you want to get out, do it now while your DD is still young. Have a firm plan. Part of my mums problems stemmed from her just leaving on the spur of the moment, which left us in a mess. If you’re really unhappy you don’t want to let it get to the stage. Work out what you’ll do re housing. I think you have the assume the house will be sold, see what benefits you’re entitled to etc.

OP this one is difficult because you’re not married.

Scenarios I have seen:

• mother negotiated to stay in house with child for further 5 years. She really struggled to pay mortgage and upkeep. He got a nice extra chunk of equity 5 years down the line. She went on to rent.
• abusive father, got arrested and charged for various domestic abuse charges. Everyone moved out of the house. She had to take him to court to try to force a sale. He refused, just to be an arsehole. Took two years to force the sale, and cost her tens of thousands in court costs. That’s with all the abuse on the record and nobody living in the house concerned.

Unfortunately you’re very reliant on your partner behaving reasonably. You can essentially make whatever private arrangement works for the two of you. It’s separate to child living arrangements and child maintenance payments.

My kids are similar ages. Honestly at 5, it’s only ever going to get harder to move her. I would bite the bullet and do it now. Figure out where you could afford to move, and if that means moving schools then so be it. You’ve got another 13 years of childhood and the rest of your life to live.

My family member's Ex-DH agreed that she could keep the house until the youngest turned 18 then it was to be sold and the money split. She kept the same mortgage and just paid interest only for the remainder of the time as that was all she could afford

She’s 5 OP. She will adapt very quickly. If she was exam age it would be much more difficult.

Well done for deciding to split, it really is the best thing for your child. As for moving, your child will be fine, My Daughter was in her fifth house by her 5th birthday, she was fine, people move all the time.

I think it is a mistake to wait for your daughter to be older. She will adapt much quicker at 5 so get it done before it has a bigger impact.

You may qualify for universal credit, especially if renting, before the house is sold.

Once sold you'll be expected to use the equity if it's over 16k.

If he won't leave then you'll either have to live in the same house separately until it's sold or you and your daughter will need to go.

I'm sorry they aren't the choices you want but you need to be realistic.

Maybe before you comment posters actually read the OP. She states things that posters are then asking.

OP I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. Look into getting some therapy to explore why you stayed before you had the child. Start looking for properties in the same area. You might find that you can afford something on your own that you weren't expecting. Your priority has to be your dd and staying in this relationship if you are not happy for her to have the same home is not it. Home is where she feels happy and safe. Not the postcode.

Is the house 'worth' selling OP? How long have you had your mortgage, have you had it valued and what equity is in it? Did you both contribute equally to the deposit? And what age are you both? It would be foolish for your both to jump off the housing ladder now for the sake of a few thousand pounds each. Private renting is insecure - social tenancies are quite another thing, but nearly impossible to come by. It really depends upon how reasonable your partner is prepared to be about it - dog in manger attitudes will result in you both losing out in the long term.

that's what you need to seek legal advice concerning.

Book yourself to see a solicitor to find out all the queries you have and whether you can stay in the house until dd is 18

This is very misinformed.

UC (and other means-tested benefits) will disregard the equity OP has in her home when she explains that she is going through the process of selling or getting her DP to buy her out. The regs specify a fixed period (can't recall if it's 6 months or a year), but this can be extended as long as the claimant is taking all reasonable steps to sell. I've never known an extension to be refused in cases of relationship breakdown in 17 years of working in welfare rights.

OP, I can understand your reservations about uprooting your DP from her home but it will be far less damaging for her than living in an environment where her father is regularly verbally and emotionally abusive to her mother. It will be far better for her if you leave and start again somewhere else.

How generous of you to allow him to have his share. What is he supposed to do in the mean time? Are you as a family well off enough that he can go and buy somewhere equivalent?

Families move house all the time for all sorts of reasons. Is there any reason your DD would be less able to cope with that than other children?

You have to make it a positive for her and yes I've been there. My solicitor tried to persuade me to go for the house, years ago so that was more possible then. My reply was that I didn't want my children spending their time with him in some grotty place and I didn't want me kids coming home upset that they were leaving dad in that grotty place. So I moved to a house a five minute walk away and so did he. It wasn't the lovely big 4 bed, it was a small 3 bed semi for both of us but the kids lived in happy homes going between mum and dad as they chose.

When you need to set up two homes it is rare that there isn't a drop in size/location/standard. That is the price you pay.

At 40 I'm shocked by how many women I've known (myself included) whose partners have just outright refused to leave their home after breaking up. Sometimes for YEARS. So I just feel like you should really be prepared for that. If you want to stay in that home, even if he agrees to share the mortgage payments and move out he might take a very very long time to do so. So if you need away from him as a matter of urgency it might be best to find a new place yourself.

But also I disagree with so many commenter here, I think you and him continuing to make mortgage payments on this home after he moves out is not a bonkers set up. Presumably if you moved out and rented a place and had primary custody of dd then he'd have to contribute towards the cost of that so surely it just makes sense to keep her where she is?

The OP has said that he was abusive BEFORE they had a child. Why on earth would you have a child with an abusive man?

The OP has already stated that she expects that they will share custody.

The OP is responsible for her DD when she stays with her. She cannot afford to pay the mortgage and buy her StbxDP out.

The XP will be responsible for housing his DD when she stays with him. It could be the case that the he can afford buy OP out and he and his DD could continue to live in the family home when he has custody.

@Godifeelsolow get him to leave and rent a room to a female mature student or similar.

How is he an abuser??? Calling someone a narcissist and weird isn’t being abusive. She didn’t say that he hit her. Many of you probably say way worse things to your partners than that.

Repeatedly insulting a partner, shouting etc is emotional abuse. A relationship doesn't have to involve physical violence to be abusive.

I know its very hard when you have helped your child build a life they are happy with - but at 5 she will barely remember the house you are in now. We moved our childre at 4 and then again at 5 - they can't really remember those houses. It's better you move now and settle her into somewhere you know she will stay for her primary years / possible high school years.

In all honesty lovely the best gift you can give your daughter is getting out, whatever that looks like. Otherwise you are giving her the blueprint for how she should be treated by intimate partners for potentially the rest of her life.

How would you get him to leave if he doesn't want to go?

Sorry yes I know about the six month rule, but I meant that the house does have to be sold eventually, I don't know how long they are prepared to give extensions for. The UC system is a lot stricter than the old Tas Credit one, where the former family home (with a former partner living there) was not regarded as capital. I think the only exceptions are that a person under 18/ over 60/ disabled lives there. Although if OP has only a tiny amount of equity it will be disregarded in any case. Depends what she stands to make from a sale, I suppose.

Sounds like a good idea if he's abusive and OP is deeply unhappy. Why should he have a good life?

I’m truly baffled as to why you think it is upon the man to leave a jointly owned home when a relationship breaks down.

And it would be fairly bonkers for anyone to move out of their jointly owned home and then carry on paying the mortgage on it for 13 years whilst also having to fund somewhere else to live.

And if OP moved out, no he wouldn’t have to contribute to the cost of her home. He will need to pay child maintenance, unless they share 50:50.

@MasterShardlake thank you captain obvious

It’s not a marriage ending. There no legal contract regarding any other finances. They own an asset together. They want to end the relationship the asset will be sold. The cost of legal fees to Op to fight to stay in the house would likely leave her in a worst position and there’s an extremely high chance she wouldn’t win.

Even if he agreed to let op stay and she paid the mortgage out of CMS payments, she would still need to pay for the upkeep of the property. If CMS isn’t payable due to shared responsibility of the child, why would he pay for his own housing for him and his child, not get his equity AND pay towards Ops housing costs?

But as it’s claimed he is abusive, even if he let Op stay, he would use that to continue to abuse her. He could change his mind at any point. It’s still his house so he can go in if he wants and so on.

If this man is abusive, Op should call the police. However, that’s not that simple either. Telling someone they are a narcissist and weird, isn’t always abusive. Plenty of women label their ex those term to the face and to other people. We don’t know the Op. she could be a narcissist. He could be abusive AND so could be a narcissist.

The problem with ‘log it with police’ or ‘call the police’ is that it could end up worse for Op, depending on the situation. Calling the police out saying you are abused when it turns out it was an argument with no threatening behaviour and him saying ‘god you are such a narcissist’ could hugely back fire on Op. especially if she threw some name calling back.

Proving emotional abuse is very difficult and it takes more than ‘he called me names when we argued’. If Op has evidence of long term emotional abuse, that’s one thing. But calling the police out because he called her a name in a mutual argument could be playing into his hands. It would make the case that the house should be sold to reduce how much contact they need. It could give him evidence that she is trying to alienate him as a parent or even maliciously complaining about him to get him out of the home.

Being a victim of abuse really isn’t easy, you have to step carefully. Anyone that is tempted to exaggerate accusations, could easily find it massively backfires, drags the whole thing out AND makes it far more distressing and expensive than it needs to be.

I am not saying op is considering this. But I get the impression some people are giving the ‘just call the police advice aren’t really thinking it through.

Usually the house is sold and money divided up.It used to be that the wife might have stayed in the house and sold when DC was older .However that was a few years ago now and took into account less money earned by wife .Now more equal partners sort of thing