I want out of this, what are my options, please help

[Godifeelsolow]

Another awful weekend with Dp, but something has finally snapped in me and I want out, no matter how hard it will be.
Beautiful, sunny day and sat in the car trying not to cry earlier, after Dp called me weird and a narcissist, I’d done nothing wrong, he has simmering aggression and I’m starting to actually hate him.
We’re not married, but have a house in both our names and have a young Dd and dog. The best would be for Dd to stay in her house and for all that to stay the same and for him to leave and us to share custody between us somehow. How do I get him to do this? I’m not sure I could afford the mortgage alone, what can I do in this situation?

I’m truly baffled as to why you think it is upon the man to leave a jointly owned home when a relationship breaks down.
Me too. Why would anyone be 'shocked' by either parent 'outright refusing' to move out of the family home?

Op, so many stupid judgemental answers from people who have no idea of what the breaking process involves.

You need legal advice but also to use your personal financial resources wisely to ensure you can afford to fight this battle. Things I wish someone had told me at the start:

1. You need to leave, but leave when it is convenient to you and DD. Finishing a long term relationship is like a getting married. You need to save, plan and prepare to have a good start to your new life. You leave when it works for you, unless he is violent of course, then you leave immediately.

2. Go to entitled.co.uk and use their calculator to see how much financial support you will get raising your child on your own.

3. Then go to the child maintenance service (CMS) website and calculate how much you or he will need to pay. This is calculated by night spend with each parent not days. One important thing to consider is that if you have a 50/50 split on the nights, no one pays or gets child maintenance. The one who has the child for more nights (even if it is just one night above 50/50) is the one who becomes the resident parent and the one who gets paid child maintenance and gets the universal credit.

4. Go to the library or order a book on divorce (The Which Guide to Divorce was excellent but I am not sure they are still doing it or updating it). Since you are not married, you need to focus on the parts of the “Arrangements for the Care of Children” you will have a lot of your questions answered about how courts go about the subject and a lot unanswered about your particular case, that’s when you contact a solicitor for your 30 minutes free appointment. Don’t waste money on solicitor fees asking them to explain you the very basics, they charge per block of 6 minutes, so use your time wisely!

5. You will need support during the split but never pour your heart out to your solicitor, they are not trained for that and even if sympathetic and reassuring they charge far far more than counselors so use the right professional for the problem and remember, you don’t need to convince them who is right or that your ex is a bastard, you are paying them to protect your interests and they will do even if it is you who is the bastard and you are not right, so keep your sessions concise, straight to the point and short.

6. You can get a Mesher Order that allows for your child and resident parent to stay in the house until the child is 18 BUT… they are only put in place if the non resident parent is LOADED and able to house himself at an equal level without having access to the equity of the house. If not, the house will be sold and proceeds split.

7. Don’t fight for child maintenance in court, you can get more money BUT after a calendar year, either of you can contact the CMS to have it reduced to CMS calculation. The moment CMS takes over, anything agreed in court about this is irrelevant.

8. There are no winners when you split, you both will be poorer and have their own struggles, but you will earn your freedom and a strength you never thought possible and your life can be wonderful even with far less money and in a different house.

9. I know the question of what happens to the dog is an absolute worry (I would be devastated if I needed to find mine a new home) but never put the dog’s needs over those of your child or your safety, if you need to go into rented accommodation, having someone on call to take care of the dog long or short term will make things much more bearable. If you need to leave suddenly, there is a charity that will find your dog a foster home for a while, I don’t remember the name but a Google search might bring it up.

Best of luck!

Agree with this. These are your realistic options.

A 5 year old child will adapt very easily to moving home. Simple "bribes" like letting her choose how her new bedroom is decorated.

My children are adults now, but when they were children they moved house 5 times. Each time was made exciting and there were no problems. And yes, one move was me leaving their Dad and setting up alone. She's only 5 years old - no big deal.

You definitely need legal advice. Your proposal for him leaving and letting you stay and pay the mortgage, would be littered with difficulties. Let's say you pay the mortgage on your own, for the next 13 years, and then sell at £100k more than the house is worth today? Does he get any of that profit? He hasn't paid the mortgage BUT his money has been invested in the asset. Money that he could have invested into another property and seen the investment grow. Quite messy, I would think.

Could he afford to buy you out OP? That way DD gets to keep her family home and you will have some money to get set up again. I know it's really scary, but with one 5 year old DD you are doing the right thing if you are unhappy.

Best for DD is two parents who are happy, stable and mentally well.

Everything else is honestly just wallpapering.

Your "D"P doesn't go after your DD because she's young. But what happens when she starts to become a stroppy, argumentative teen? You think she won't get the same treatment you get now? Of course she will.

15 years from now, she'll barely remember the house, the dog, and the kid a few doors down. She'll remember the steps you took to safeguard her from from an aggressive man.

No need to be so rude @LemonTT. That's why I said 'I think' and to seek advice legal advice from a professional.

Plus I know two divorced women, one with two daughters, one with a son who have the right to remain in their home until the children are grown. Both fathers are every other weekend.

Not that it is relevant as they were both married.

Gosh some really harsh replies on. What is wrong with people???

Sorry you are going through this OP. Honestly the material benefits of staying in a house that your dd is used to with school nearby and friends nearby, will be outweighed by having a happy mum who isn’t emotionally or verbally abused.

I think you need to stop looking at this as what dd would lose, but actually what she would gain from you moving. Fwiw - I am the product of a mum who stayed (no choice back then), and I often resented her for it and was angry with her for a long time. I feel like I would have loved the freedom of a happy home and a joyful mum.

You say you are not sure that you could afford the mortgage on your own ?
First of all I would say you should work out your finances- take a good look at your income and outgoings - how do you do things now. Who pays for what etc.
Get all the information clear in your head - find out what your rights are - take legal advice.
Then you can go to him with a clear argument - he sounds like the sort of person who will pick out a weakness in an argument and turn it against you ?
Find out all the info you need to know about who pays for the house. Child maintenance arrangements etc. Have a clear plan before you tell him you want to split.

Suggest get 3 valuations of the property

Either one of you buys the other out

Or

You sell & split any equity/profit

You agree child maintenance or 50/50 childcare

You make a clean split

All of you will adapt to a new life

Families move all the time, not the end of the world. She will make new friends, how many childhood friends are you still close with today?

There will be huge upheaval, stress and cost but in the longer term you'll have a fresh start, freedom and peace. Your DC will adapt. Do you or DP have somewhere to go and live temporarily whilst all this is sorted (could take months!) ? He may refuse to move and make things difficult but eventually he will have to and may want to find your replacement quicker than you might expect. Is there a spare room? Can you live separately under the same roof for a time?

Please don't listen to people's archaic ideas that not being married will prevent you from staying in your home. As you said both of your names are on the mortgage therefore you are both 100% responsible for paying the mortgage. The bank doesn't care who pays it. You can change your mortgage to "interest only" and it will certainly be a lot cheaper and more affordable for you. In law your daughter's welfare comes first and you will both be allowed to stay in your home until she is 18. Start keeping a diary of incidents and abuse from your partner - it may help to get him removed from the property. A family law solicitor will be able to advise you or try Citizens Advice. If however you feel in any danger please put both your daughter's and your safety first and leave.

It’s not an archaic idea.

Op and your partner chose not to make their relationship a legal one. It’s not archaic to point out there are differences, legally. It’s fact.

There is absolutely no guarantee op will be able to stay in the home until the child is 18. There wouldn’t be even if they were married.

Since the app isn’t married, it will be hugely costly to try and stay in the home.

It’s massively damaging to pretend that, legally, an unmarried couple is the same as married couple. Its not good advice.

and not everyone can just ‘change mortgage to interest only’.

@Gymnopedie the perogative in all of this is your dd. What a child needs is a stable, happy environment. School, friends, house are relatively irrelevant.

My parents split when I was twelve. There were no real issues, they just didn't like each other and my father wouldn't facilitate my mother's narcissistic tendencies. Not saying you have them by the way. On the surface all was perfect. Lovely home, everything a child could need and want down to the pony. But an existence where two people dislike, if not hate each other is barely worth living, whatever the material benefits.

My parents shouldn't have got married at all. They only did because mother was pregnant which was the norm in 1960.

They should have parted when I was a toddler and certainly by the time I was 5. Parting at 12 was an emotional disaster.

Part. You may have to accept that you sell up,split the proceeds and start again. Life in a tiny flat will be better than war between parents (vicarious or real) in a nice family home.

As other posters have suggested, get your ducks in a row and seek professional legal and financial advice.

You want to stay for your dd. In an ideal situation that would be best, but you have to be realistic and work within the means of dp’s generosity. Which doesn’t sound like he will be willing to do.

Tbh, the best case scenario is that you sell the house and you both buy somewhere small to accommodate dd, thus giving her stability within both homes.

There is nothing archaic about pointing out the differences between a married and unmarried couple.

But in any case, it is not being unmarried that will prevent OP from staying in the house, it is the fact that it seems she might not be able to afford the mortgage and definitely cannot afford to buy him out. There are only three realistic options here, buy him out, be bought out by him or sell and split the proceeds. And hiring the best family lawyer in the country is not going to change that.

My friend is divorcing, they've kept the family home, and rented a room elsewhere, both paid for jointly out the family finances. It seems to work for them.

So, you could be in the house when you're looking after your daughter, and your partner stays elsewhere in the rented room, then when it's his turn to look after her, you leave and go and stay in that same rented room.

You have to look at what you can control and make decisions based on that.

i have known a father who let his former wife stay in the house with the agreement she would either buy him out later down the line or sell when their son grew.

But if your partner won’t or cannot afford to do that, you need to look at what you is possible for you to do.

If you are that miserable, splitting up is the right move, but you may not be able to split up in the way you want.

It is unlikely that you will be able to stay in the same house if you split up. Your partner will want his share of the equity to start again somewhere else. But you are catastrophising. It's unlikely that a five year old will be massively affected by moving house, and she will almost certainly be happier not living in an atmosphere of tension and rage.

I am in the exact same situation, I am so sorry you are going through this, its awful. We have 2 kids, I finally snapped in November last year and decided enough is enough. I spent soooo long trying to come up with ways that I could keep the house, and so long as your DP is willing, it is possible.
Do you work? I work 4 days a week, and I am still eligible for universal credit, and then factoring in child maintenance from DP I could just afford to live. The issue came from being able to buy him out. He agreed to pay me half child maintenance he owes going forward so that he could recoup his loss from the house that way. Would your DP agree to an arrangement like this? I also had a little bit of savings to give him in order for him to get a head start, and we had a lawyer write up the arrangement in a separation agreement.

I've read some of the comments, people can be awful can't they. If your DP genuinely wants the best for his daughter, he will help you stay in the house in any way he can so that disruption to her life is minimal. Hopefully he has a parent he could move back in with while he gets on his feet? You may not see this but I hope you do. There is light at the end of the tunnel. x

You can stay in the house if you can afford it and he agrees. I did. We've agreed that as soon as dd does her exams I'll sell and give him his 50%. Look into the Children's Act, I can't remember the details now but a solicitor told me about it hence why I'm still in the jointly owned home. Although I really don't want to be, it's purely for dd sake

What happens if you stay in your current property, with the agreement of your current DP

But, in the future, you meet a new DP
Your current DP, may not wish a new DP to live with you

Or your current DP meets someone & needs the equity out of your current property

That is why it is better to have a clean break & start again

Have you thought long term ?

Your dd will take her cues from you. Acting like it's way bigger than it actually is and projecting YOUR issues/worries will ensure she is upset. She's 5 and, as sad as it is that this is happening, she won't necessarily be bothered by a move. You have the ability to make it smooth for her.
It is just not realistic to expect to stay in the home unless you are able to pay him out and take on the mortgage on your own. Everyone has to adapt in this kind of situation and selling the home and making a clean split is often the only solution. Look forward and make plans for your new life. Get CM in place and take the steps you need to take.
Staying rather than facing the changes that will need to happen is exposing your dd to a life that she will see as 'normal' and will form her reality of what a relationship should look like. I know you don't want that. Show her what a strong and capable role model looks like. You CAN do that, as scary as it feels. You have the strength, you just need to find it. Good luck

OP I think you're getting a bashing because you've posted on AIBU instead of in the relationship board. In future, ask for advice there, it will be a lot more supportive.

With regard to your problem, I think the first thing you need to do is actively find out how much money you can borrow. You cannot go forward with a firm decision until you know this fact.

Go and see a broker or two and get some information.

How much equity is in the house? Could you remortgage and add 50% of that to it so you could buy DP out that way?
And would his maintenance contribution mean you could afford the repayments?