Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want out of this, what are my options, please help

207 replies

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:32

Another awful weekend with Dp, but something has finally snapped in me and I want out, no matter how hard it will be.
Beautiful, sunny day and sat in the car trying not to cry earlier, after Dp called me weird and a narcissist, I’d done nothing wrong, he has simmering aggression and I’m starting to actually hate him.
We’re not married, but have a house in both our names and have a young Dd and dog. The best would be for Dd to stay in her house and for all that to stay the same and for him to leave and us to share custody between us somehow. How do I get him to do this? I’m not sure I could afford the mortgage alone, what can I do in this situation?

OP posts:
1Strawberrycat · 18/02/2024 22:00

Don't leave. A court will allow you and your child to stay in the home until the age of 18.

Overthebow · 18/02/2024 22:07

1Strawberrycat · 18/02/2024 22:00

Don't leave. A court will allow you and your child to stay in the home until the age of 18.

They aren’t married, and even if they were it’s not guaranteed this would happen.

AnnieBuddyHere · 18/02/2024 22:07

1Strawberrycat · 18/02/2024 22:00

Don't leave. A court will allow you and your child to stay in the home until the age of 18.

Even if this was true, she can't afford the mortgage.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 18/02/2024 22:07

1Strawberrycat · 18/02/2024 22:00

Don't leave. A court will allow you and your child to stay in the home until the age of 18.

I think multiple posters have already said this is unlikely!

Station11 · 18/02/2024 22:09

Did you ask him why he thinks you're a narcissist and if he even knows what that means. Does he want to split up?
A lot of reationships get into a rut and it may be that you can resolve things which is better for everyone, or it may be that you can't and you can ride it out until your child is 11 and wants to stay with you. Or doesn't in which case you've built up more equity.
Either way - just disengage a bit emotionally

kittybiscuits · 18/02/2024 22:12

I'm sorry for the stupid and ignorant comments on your post OP. Please seek advice from a domestic abuse organisation and start reporting the abuse. I'm guessing this was the tip of the iceberg? Start logging the abuse. You may be able to get an occupation order, but ultimately you will need to split and divide your assets if you can't agree to buy them out. Absolutely crack on with looking at how to leave. You don't need to put up with this.

positivesliceofpie · 18/02/2024 22:12

Dont wait for things to get better to be happy.
If you can find a way out to be happy now take it life is too short even if you lose out on something at least your be happy and in peace.

BlueGrey1 · 18/02/2024 22:19

Your daughter is 5, she hasn’t got used to a ‘lifestyle’ or school / friends.

You might have got used to a lifestyle though.

iI don’t think you will be able to get him to leave the house, why should he if you are the one who wants to separate.

Start the conversation about separation and take it from there.

Ghuunvg · 18/02/2024 22:19

Well you could move out and leave your daughter in the house if you think that's what's best for her..

Viviennemary · 18/02/2024 22:22

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:43

@TheSnowyOwl If I was able to keep paying the mortgage alone, would this work. I can’t afford to buy him out, but when it’s sold, he could have his share

Why should you have the house though. Doesn't seem to work like that these days. Maybe he would like to buy you out. Is there much equity in the house?

ButterBastardBeans · 18/02/2024 22:23

Wait til he starts again and call the police on him. That would make things a lot easier for you OP

TwylaSands · 18/02/2024 22:26

Station11 · 18/02/2024 22:09

Did you ask him why he thinks you're a narcissist and if he even knows what that means. Does he want to split up?
A lot of reationships get into a rut and it may be that you can resolve things which is better for everyone, or it may be that you can't and you can ride it out until your child is 11 and wants to stay with you. Or doesn't in which case you've built up more equity.
Either way - just disengage a bit emotionally

Christ. What shockingly poor advice.

Squeaking · 18/02/2024 22:32

It is the case if you were married that there could be an agreement that you stay in the house until DC are 18. However not sure how it works if you are not married

Moanranger · 18/02/2024 22:33

Cantalever · 18/02/2024 20:50

I am well out of the loop on this, but can it really be the case that if parents separate, and it is best for their child to stay in the home with the mother (even if shared custody), that the father does not continue to pay something to keep his child's roof over her head? Surely he has some responsibility towards housing his child? Does he not pay anything towards the mortgage just because he is not living there? That would seem too much like changing the goalposts after parenthood had been embarked on. Getting ready to be shot down if this is really out of touch with reality.

I believe you can get a court order which allows primary carer to stay in house with child until child leaves school, ie, 18.The house is then sold & proceeds are split.
You need to do this via the divorce process & financial settlement.
While the basis for divorce is a 50-50 split of assets, this is very much dependent upon individual circumstances.
contact a lawyer ASAP & get the ball rolling.

Moanranger · 18/02/2024 22:35

Just noted that you are not married, in which case you will need to sell up, sadly.

Station11 · 18/02/2024 22:36

TwylaSands · 18/02/2024 22:26

Christ. What shockingly poor advice.

Show quote history

Why? Explain.

Birdsworth · 18/02/2024 22:40

I think it's a waste of your energy to try and think of ways to keep the house. Your dd will be completely fine moving house. She's only five.

Even if he's being a twat it's not fair for one person to keep the family home and the other one gets nothing for thirteen years.

HowcanIhelp123 · 18/02/2024 22:41

People move house all the time. I don't get this weird business of 'I must keep house as best for child'. It isn't. Why put yourself on the brink with a mortgage you can barely afford? Do you think your DD would prefer to live in that house with you barely scraping by, no luxuries and worried about money or to move to a nice smaller place within your budget that will be calmer and maybe make you able to pay for her to have more opportunities? You both own and not married. Take your half, get somewhere you're confident you can afford. Apply for any benefits you're entitled to and CMS if applicable.

Ghuunvg · 18/02/2024 22:42

ButterBastardBeans · 18/02/2024 22:23

Wait til he starts again and call the police on him. That would make things a lot easier for you OP

So your advice is lie to the police

Densol57 · 18/02/2024 22:42

No its not going to work like that. You need to sell, split the proceeds and buy locally what you can afford.

ButterBastardBeans · 18/02/2024 22:44

Ghuunvg · 18/02/2024 22:42

So your advice is lie to the police

Show quote history

No. The Op has said that he becomes abusive. Why should she tolerate taking abuse?

Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 22:47

@Station11 What changes at age 11?

OP posts:
Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 22:48

@ButterBastardBeans In what way will
it make things easier?

OP posts:
GuinnessBird · 18/02/2024 22:48

So you expect DP to just fuck off, let you stay in the house until whenever you decide to sell it so he can get his part of the money back?

Meanwhile in the real world...

PansyOatZebra · 18/02/2024 22:48

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2024 20:38

Where will your young DD go during times she is with her father though if his equity is tied into the house you live in? It would be better for her for you to sell and both get a new place with a room for her.

This both sell and split the equity.