I want out of this, what are my options, please help

[Godifeelsolow]

Another awful weekend with Dp, but something has finally snapped in me and I want out, no matter how hard it will be.
Beautiful, sunny day and sat in the car trying not to cry earlier, after Dp called me weird and a narcissist, I’d done nothing wrong, he has simmering aggression and I’m starting to actually hate him.
We’re not married, but have a house in both our names and have a young Dd and dog. The best would be for Dd to stay in her house and for all that to stay the same and for him to leave and us to share custody between us somehow. How do I get him to do this? I’m not sure I could afford the mortgage alone, what can I do in this situation?

they're not married

OP I'd speak to a solicitor asap. A good family law solicitor at that. Everyone here just tells you there's no chance etc etc but they've clearly either not been in your situation or didn't have a good solicitor if they were. I was in a similar situation, DD younger than yours though & my ex DP had an affair and left. We were not married, together 8 years and he also wanted to force a sale so he could get the equity out. Solicitor advised going down the route of schedule 1 of the children's act which essentially secures the home for your child not yourself. My solicitor was extremely confident we'd secure this, and my ex backed down on advice from his own solicitor and he now pays 50% of the mortgage and he will have to rent (he earns enough to rent and pay towards DD) or choose to save for a deposit while living with his parents as he has been for the last 2years. We also had a financial agreement written up which says if I moved someone else into the home they would essentially buy ex out or it will be sold when DD leaves education unless I can buy him out before. Don't just back down and sell because some people here don't have the right info. Take your time, get all advice you can. And in the meantime do not do anything for him, cook for yourself and DD not him, same as shopping washing cleaning. Don't be his maid. Be strong, you've got this. Becoming the resident parent is hard, but it's also very rewarding xx

If it's so important for your daughter etc etc and you intend to be 50/50 then why does he have to be the one to move? If it would be unacceptable for him to stay in the house with his daughter then surely the reverse is also true. The daughter sounds to be an excuse for the OP to stay in the house, if he has to move and contribute to this mortgage how can he find elsewhere?

Look up signs of emotional abuse - does it ring true? https://wa-leicester.org.uk/types_of_abuse/emotional-abuse/

Keep a log of all incidents : Date, time, X called me a narcissist.
Date, time, X shouted at me.

One incident may not be interesting to the police but a log of multiple incidents will build a picture. If he is emotionally abusing you then absolutely report to the police and you and your daughter can legally stay in the house until she is 18 I think. But maybe seek legal advice on this. First step is getting maybe a month log of all the incidents and build up a picture. Maybe record some of it on your phone voice notes if safe to do so.

Did you miss the bit where it wasn’t a one off and she said he is verbally abusive??

My Husband of 23 years moved out 2.5 yrs ago.
I am a Carer (DWP accepted) for our two disabled children.
(also disabled myself so it is very difficult)

My exH pays some maintenance now. It nowhere near covers things.
He also NEVER has them. They are here, 24/7 except school/ College (15hrs/wk)
He is 300m away atm, for the next month at least. He has just arranged another holiday for himself in June. A holiday from what ? He doesn't even work.

So yes, you can absolutely create child(ren) then skip off responsibility free.

OP. Find a Divorce lawyer. You may be able to exchange your share of his pension for the equity in the house if you want to try to stay there. Good luck.

He is verbally abusive. Not just a one off argument. I’d say that’s a very good reason he should leave. And yes the concern of not uprooting the child is valid for the mum. If he wants to stay in the house then he shouldn’t abuse the mum.

Relationship breakdown is very different to repeated verbal abuse.

Why are people being so obtuse on this thread? It’s clearly not just an ‘I want to leave’ it’s a case of ‘I’m sick of being abused by my partner’ - the advice for dealing with an abusive situation is a whole world away from advice if you are just deciding you don’t love them anymore. Jeez.

ButterBastardBeans · Today 00:27

Godifeelsolow · Yesterday 22:48

@ButterBastardBeans In what way will
it make things easier?
Because the police will make him stay away from you and give you advice on how to make this happen - court orders and the like.

The police wont for VERBAL abuse , only if hes physically marked you.

Firstly - get a sense of how much equity is in the house and explore wether you can remortgage to pay him his share and extend the term so that you can afford the payments

If Not - can he afford to buy you out? Then your daughter gets to spend half her time still in the family home. You can use your half of the equity to buy somewhere new.

If neither of those work, sadly the house will have to be sold and you will both have to move out.

Good luck OP, this bit is scary but in a year or two you will look back and be glad you did it.

Meanwhile he lives in a tent on common ground not being able to have his DC stay over night as he's got no pennies left in order to rent a place of his own to live in.

Without knowing the full story I don't think the police is the way to go here, unless there's more to it then OP is saying, they just need to separate, but I think telling people not to go to the police unless someone has physically marked them is slightly misguided, there are all different levels of abuse and there are parts of the law that are now specifically designed to protect against abuse that is non physical.

Domestic abuse can involve physical violence, where an abuser harms someone leaving visible marks and scars. But it can also be psychological – something that is referred to as coercive and controlling behaviour.

The police don't have to rely on the whole 'well if he's not actually done anything to you, our hands are tied' bullshit that has been the party line for a long time, it's well known now that abusive behaviour can and will escalate, and can even lead to murder of a spouse or ex spouse if left unchecked, of which the police are always investigated as to why they didn't do more with the information they had. That's why more and more people are being prosecuted for non violent abuse, such as stalking, harassment and coercive and controlling behaviour, if you think you are a victim of any of those thing you SHOULD go to the police, not wait for it to escalate to violent abuse.

You have referred to him as both DP and DH. Which is it?

If DH, you may be able to get a Mesher order which would enable you to stay in house and sell when DD is 18.

If DP, you will probably have to sell now.

*Relationship breakdown is very different to repeated verbal abuse.

Why are people being so obtuse on this thread? It’s clearly not just an ‘I want to leave’ it’s a case of ‘I’m sick of being abused by my partner’ - the advice for dealing with an abusive situation is a whole world away from advice if you are just deciding you don’t love them anymore. Jeez.*

I understand that even less then.

How likely is it that an abusive man is going to agree to move out?

I completely understand why the OP would like to stay in the house, I also see why she needs to get out of this relationship.

But I don't think she should be advised to try and get the house to live in and that her partner should rent and then they should sell it when their five year old is eighteen. I don't think it's realistic and I'm not shocked that when people leave their partners, for whatever reason, that some of those partners do not wish to leave the house.

@Godifeelsolow if you were him, would you agree to this? I wouldn't, in his shoes

You'll be fine in the end. Hold on to that thought. Brighter days ahead

And? That only means she is not protected when it comes to financial assets but the child interests still are protected by the courts whether they are married or not, or what? Do you think that just because they are not married the court would see the kids as bastards with no rights?

The Arrangements for the care of Children information would help the op see how the courts will try to ensure the child is protected and how to go if there is a battle for child residence (There is no such thing as custody in the UK)

Far better for her to grow up in a smaller house/ flat with a happy mother than stay where she is with an unhappy one.

What is the real benefit of this though?

Surely if he can't afford to pay the mortgage AND rent/buy somewhere else, he can refuse to contribute and she will be left paying the mortgage for the next 13 years on her own THEN be forced to give him half the equity that she's been solely paying for?

Unless there's more to it, or maybe it works if the kids are older, but it seems like a pretty shit deal to me? Surely selling the house and having a fresh start would be better all round?

They have a huge amount of discretion in how long the disregard can be applied. Providing that the claimant can show they're making a genuine effort to sell or otherwise dispose of a property, the DWP are usually fine with it.

One client of mine had the equity in the house disregarded for well over 3 years, because it involved protracted legal proceedings following a relationship breakdown and she had to get a court order to force her ex to sell it. Anecdotally, I've heard of the disregard being applied for 10 years or more, if that's how long it takes.

That's how my abusive ex started gaslighting me. I was "weird" for having different opinions from him about stuff, then it very quickly progressed to everyone we knew thinking I was crazy and that he was a saint for putting up with me.

After that, he got more and more emotionally abusive, isolated me from friends, became financially abusive etc. And it all started with me being "weird". Looking back on it now, I can see it was "boiling frog" syndrome.

It was far better for me when in this situation.

I paid the mortgage, he didn’t (he did pay standard CM) and if I hadn’t had the order, I would have had to sell the family home but not had enough money to buy anything for myself and the DC. I would have spent my share of the equity on rent whilst XH had a great time living in OW house and splashing his share around.

I was able to give the DC security for ten years and when we finally sold, I had gone back to uni to increase my earning potential and could afford to buy a small property of my own.

It really depends on individual circumstances but if OP is married and can afford the repayments she might want to consider it as an option.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Try your best to keep things as amicable as possible with him for the sake of your little one. The more you can work with him the better the chance this will be over with quickly.
I do think you need to sell, it seems to be the only thing you can do realistically.
I'm not sure why so many comments are labelling this man as 'abusive' because he called you names and seems frustrated and angry. By that definition 90% of Mumsnetters are 'abusive' too.

The reason for the relationship breakdown is completely irrelevant to the legalities of the housing situation and it is you who is being a bit stupid if you think it does.

This is why I immediately agreed to selling and splitting 50/50. I think the damage to my children of seeing their father living a very different life to them would have done so much harm.

I'd say unless someone can guarantee that for 10 years plus the move will be more damaging than doing it now. That's my experience of kids.