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AIBU?

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Original poster

I want out of this, what are my options, please help

207 replies

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:32

Another awful weekend with Dp, but something has finally snapped in me and I want out, no matter how hard it will be.
Beautiful, sunny day and sat in the car trying not to cry earlier, after Dp called me weird and a narcissist, I’d done nothing wrong, he has simmering aggression and I’m starting to actually hate him.
We’re not married, but have a house in both our names and have a young Dd and dog. The best would be for Dd to stay in her house and for all that to stay the same and for him to leave and us to share custody between us somehow. How do I get him to do this? I’m not sure I could afford the mortgage alone, what can I do in this situation?

OP posts:
Noideawwhatsoccuring · 18/02/2024 20:56

Cantalever · 18/02/2024 20:50

I am well out of the loop on this, but can it really be the case that if parents separate, and it is best for their child to stay in the home with the mother (even if shared custody), that the father does not continue to pay something to keep his child's roof over her head? Surely he has some responsibility towards housing his child? Does he not pay anything towards the mortgage just because he is not living there? That would seem too much like changing the goalposts after parenthood had been embarked on. Getting ready to be shot down if this is really out of touch with reality.

The father will need to pay child maintenance m. That’s it.

He could choose to let op stay. He could chose to pay towards the mortgage and child maintenance. But that would all be choice.

Theres no automatic right for the Op to stay in the house because they have a child.

OkayKinkade · 18/02/2024 20:59

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:52

@Cantalever I believe that to be fair too, her whole life is here, all her friends, neighbours she knows, just thinking about it makes me think that I just need to find a way to put up with it and stay

Please don't stay with an abusive man. He will destroy your mental health. Your daughter will be permanently affected too. Do you think you'll be physically safe if you tell him that you want to separate?

Thisisnotarehearsal · 18/02/2024 21:00

You need proper legal advice asap.

I think if you were married and had primary custody, you could get a property order to stay in the house. I don't think it applies if not wed.

First stop solicitor.

Wishthiswasntmypost · 18/02/2024 21:01

Relationships break down. Doesn't sound abusive with what you've written. His name calling is an opinion not abuse. However you don't have to stay and unhealthy relationships are a horrible place for children so please do leave.

But you can't just name your terms. You have to agree them and as others say children adapt. The best outcome is two parents with their own properties able to have children living there.

Your partner has to be able to survive for your family to be happy

Ghentsummer · 18/02/2024 21:06

Thisisnotarehearsal · 18/02/2024 21:00

You need proper legal advice asap.

I think if you were married and had primary custody, you could get a property order to stay in the house. I don't think it applies if not wed.

First stop solicitor.

Even if they were married and the OP could afford the mortgage, it would be highly unlikely a court would force the ex to keep his equity in that house for the next 13 years. He would need to be able to buy his own house to have his daughter.

StringTheory1 · 18/02/2024 21:06

Ask your divorce solicitor about a Mesher Order. x

Ghentsummer · 18/02/2024 21:06

StringTheory1 · 18/02/2024 21:06

Ask your divorce solicitor about a Mesher Order. x

They aren't married, there won't be a divorce solicitor.

Pippa246 · 18/02/2024 21:07

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:42

@Ponoka7 Very verbally abusive, always has been when angry. I could take it when just me, don’t want Dd to ever hear it

Oh OP - why on earth did you have DC with this man? I am sorry you are in this situation but it is soul destroying to read posts like this where a woman has stayed with an abusive man and gone on to have children.

I agree that the best course of action is to move to somewhere you can afford and so that your DDs father has somewhere for her should he wish to share custody.

please don’t stay with him - show your DD your strength in leaving an abusive relationship.

StringTheory1 · 18/02/2024 21:07

Ghentsummer · 18/02/2024 21:06

They aren't married, there won't be a divorce solicitor.

Show quote history

Ah. In that case, ignore me, I’m sorry 😔.

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 18/02/2024 21:07

StringTheory1 · 18/02/2024 21:06

Ask your divorce solicitor about a Mesher Order. x

Op isn’t married and mesher orders are quite rare now even if you are married.

and you need to be able to pay the mortgage and the upkeep of the house.

MariaLuna · 18/02/2024 21:14

The house and garden she grew up in, her dog, her best friend neighbours two doors down, her school within walking distance. The security of not uprooting her. The best for my daughter.

Best for you too getting away from all that (an abusive husband).

10/20/30 years down the line are you really going to thank yourself for giving her all the material goods while living in a household where the parents seem to hate each other?

That will be her template for her future....

Wishthiswasntmypost · 18/02/2024 21:15

Honestly OP your best bet is to look at what you can afford and know this is the best way to have a clean and healthy break. Just imagine if he suggested you move out and he keep the house and for 13 yrs you lose your equity?

It's a stressful and expensive time so try and minimise that. Trying to force him to meet your expectation is worth a try (I guess!) But honestly it's not an argument you can win unless he wants to help. So find a solution rather than have it forced on you

WandaWonder · 18/02/2024 21:17

HelloMiss · 18/02/2024 20:43

Start logging with police?

Logging what?

No i do not think you can just stay in the house and he gets nothing from it, it doesn't wotk that way, same as he could not make you leave then not pay you anything

Having a chilc with someone is not enough to have both halves of a house

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 18/02/2024 21:18

Wishthiswasntmypost · 18/02/2024 21:01

Relationships break down. Doesn't sound abusive with what you've written. His name calling is an opinion not abuse. However you don't have to stay and unhealthy relationships are a horrible place for children so please do leave.

But you can't just name your terms. You have to agree them and as others say children adapt. The best outcome is two parents with their own properties able to have children living there.

Your partner has to be able to survive for your family to be happy

This, and are they not likely to get 50:50 so no maintenance?

HelloMiss · 18/02/2024 21:20

I thought op said he had been aggressive!

Overthebow · 18/02/2024 21:21

its unlikely you’ll get to stay in the house without buying him out. You need to look at selling and what you an afford once sold. Is there anyway to up your income?

Original poster
Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 21:21

But what do we do in the meantime whilst waiting for the house to sell?

OP posts:
bluetongue · 18/02/2024 21:29

I moved at 4 and don’t even remember living at the original house. My best friend was next door but we still saw each other.

Better to move and get her away from the abuse while she’s still so young. She won’t care about the neighbours and school down the road of she’s living with such awful tension and unhappiness around her. Try and think of what you’ll gain from the split rather than lose.

LemonTT · 18/02/2024 21:33

Thisisnotarehearsal · 18/02/2024 21:00

You need proper legal advice asap.

I think if you were married and had primary custody, you could get a property order to stay in the house. I don't think it applies if not wed.

First stop solicitor.

You are wrong. Both in terms of this being something the OP would be entitled to if she was married and the primary carer and that her child has no rights in this scenario.

Even if the OP was married she wouldn’t automatically get to stay in the house without releasing his share of the equity. Most divorces are needs cases and in the housing needs of parents is always the same. Doesn’t matter what the co parenting share is. Only where there isn’t enough capital and income to fund needs would the court order a deferred sale or release of equity. This is something that should be used in a last resort if there isn’t enough equity to ensure the child is housed. Lots of reasons for this but it generally doesn’t benefit either party to do this unless it is necessary.

Not being married the OP wouldn’t be able to use divorce laws to stay in the home. However the childrens act has provision for this scenario and if there wasn’t enough capital or income to house the child then the court can delay the sale until it is affordable. Both parties retain their share. So even if the OP pays the mortgage for another decade her ex still gets 50%.

A suitable home for both parents is a 1-2 bed property rented or mortgaged. Married or not and in both cases income needs to be maximised.

Stability is about relationships with parents and then close family. At 5 friendships and school matter but it isn’t as important as when a child is 15 and sitting exams.

IIdentifyAsInnocent · 18/02/2024 21:35

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 21:21

But what do we do in the meantime whilst waiting for the house to sell?

Live together until it is sold, or one of you moves out and rents/moves in with family temporarily. I'm sorry but you are going to have to make short term sacrifices for longer term gain. It's shitty splitting up and starting again, but worth it longer term.

Froniga · 18/02/2024 21:36

Hi
I think you need to find a family law solicitor. Some will give a first appointment at no charge. So you could discuss your situation and how your partner’s behaviour is affecting your DD. I believe that sometimes the house doesn’t need to be sold if it’s in the Best Interests of your child to continue living there.
Hope you can find some advice. I’d be keeping a diary of partner’s behaviour as well.
Wishing you all the best.

Windmill34 · 18/02/2024 21:41

go on turn2us benefits calculator to she what/if your entitled to any help, this will give you some idea

I really don’t think they let the kids stay in their homes anymore unless of really good reasons
ie, badly disabled

Is there any houses where you live for rent ?
go on rightmove

MaryShelley1818 · 18/02/2024 21:46

You have your priorities wrong....I say this sympathetically as I know it must feel heartbreaking to take her from her home, but do you think your DD would prefer to grow up in that home/garden/neighbours or in a house where she is not suffering trauma from an abusive and toxic environment. This damages children, happiness is not about bricks and mortar.

CassandraWebb · 18/02/2024 21:53

If he is abusive then you need to get out whatever the practicalities.

However it is likely that you would be expected to sell the house if you can't buy him out.

And it may well be that he gets 50/50 care of your daughter if he seeks it

You should still leave , but make sure you leave with your eyes wide open about how mothers who have experienced abuse (even evidenced abuse) are treated

Make sure you have a plan to be financially independent (including checking benefit entitlements) and make your peace with the possible likely changes (and get good legal advice)

CassandraWebb · 18/02/2024 21:54

(I still don't regret leaving my abusive ex, it was absolutely the best thing for me and my children, but I do feel frustrated how naive I was about thinking the law would look after us)