Page 4 | I want out of this, what are my options, please help

Chickenkeev · 18/02/2024 22:49

OP just on the moving away thing, kids are far more resilient than we give them credit for. We moved away when my daughter was 7, she honestly didn't miss a beat.

HowcanIhelp123 · 18/02/2024 22:50

Also while on house he's entitled to 50%. So say he agrees to let you stay and pay all upkeep and mortgage. If house worth £120K now, £30K equity and £90K mortage.

Now you'd buy him out for £15K, and need to get mortgage for £105K. If you stayed in house until shes older and now you have £40K left on mortgage but now house is worth £140K. That's £100K equity and you'd have to hand £50K of that over to your ex despite him not contributing a penny. You're now older so less mortgage raising ability and you're still only left with £50K so would still need a sizable mortgage again rather than being mostly paid off.

It would be much better to sell, take your £15K and buy somewhere for £80K, then when you have paid it off it all goes to your child not your ex.

Cazpar · 18/02/2024 22:52

Neither of you can force the other to leave the house. You both own it, you both have a right to occupy it until it's sold.

If neither of you is willing or able to move out in the interim, you will have to live together as amiably as you can.

There is nothing you can do to guarantee you can stay in the house, save buying him out of his share so you're the sole owner.

If you can't stand living with him, your best bet is to move out now, then when the house is sold buy yourself a smaller property.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 18/02/2024 22:55

GuinnessBird · 18/02/2024 22:48

So you expect DP to just fuck off, let you stay in the house until whenever you decide to sell it so he can get his part of the money back?

Meanwhile in the real world...

Oh and also according to some on here he needs to pay the ops mortgage and bills as well then maintenance on top!

GuinnessBird · 18/02/2024 22:57

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 18/02/2024 22:55

Oh and also according to some on here he needs to pay the ops mortgage and bills as well then maintenance on top!

Show quote history

Some people really are on another planet.

Original poster

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 22:59

im not expecting anything, please can we stop with the nasty comments, I have no idea what to do and what I can do and am in a really sad and awful situation, a bit of sensitivity would be nice

OP posts:

Wishthiswasntmypost · 18/02/2024 23:00

Living with someone whilst house sells is a nightmare and you don't want your child to be affected. Options are
a) move out but costly and risky
b) negotiate with him to explore options

The advice to use the police to claim domestic abuse and try and force him out is both immoral, unhelpful and unwise. By all means discuss with a domestic abuse to assess your situation but phoning the police to try and manipulate a financial gain is shocking advice.

AInightingale · 18/02/2024 23:02

Could your partner afford to rent on his own? How big is the house? Really no point in a sale if you both end up renting, both paying out dead money for years. Speak to CA to see what you would be entitled to as a single parent - would agreeing to sell when she is 11 and about to change schools work? A private agreement is always better than involving lawyers.

I don't think men are happy to stay single long after a separation, he may meet someone else (and what a catch he sounds) and his financial position might improve. But I would really advise against leaving him alone in the house - if he absolutely refuses to compromise (been there) then you have to insist on a sale t protect your own interests as there is a very real risk he'll neglect your home badly and it will be even harder to sell.

Original poster

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 23:19

@AInightingale He could afford to move out and rent, that’s why I was wondering *If I could afford to pay the mortgage and he agreed when the house was sold, to split the proceeds equally at that point, then Dd is older at least.

OP posts:

BlueGrey1 · 18/02/2024 23:25

His money is going down the drain renting though, so why would he want to do that and possibly wait until you are ready to sell the house which could be years

AlwaysGinPlease · 18/02/2024 23:27

Jeez there are nasty replies in here. Stfu if you can't be helpful and supportive. The OP is quite clearly fragile and doesn't need your spiteful petty little comments. You're embarrassing yourselves.

Overthebow · 18/02/2024 23:32

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 23:19

@AInightingale He could afford to move out and rent, that’s why I was wondering *If I could afford to pay the mortgage and he agreed when the house was sold, to split the proceeds equally at that point, then Dd is older at least.

If he agrees and you can afford the mortgage then yes it would be an option. Not sure how likely he would be to agree though unless he has lots of money saved as he wouldn’t have the equity to buy a house.

Can you afford the mortgage by yourself? What is your income and what is the mortgage?

AInightingale · 18/02/2024 23:39

If he takes an 'I'm going nowhere' attitude, then remind him that your mortgage company made an agreement with both of you. It would be helpful to speak to a solicitor about this - he may be either forced to buy you out or to agree to a sale. i would also warn you that if you leave, it is impossible to access universal credit (for top ups to your earnings, help with rent etc) if your name is on a house which you don't live in - they regard it as capital.

Original poster

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 23:48

Thank you for all the advice 🙏

OP posts:

Nightowl1234 · 19/02/2024 00:10

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 23:19

@AInightingale He could afford to move out and rent, that’s why I was wondering *If I could afford to pay the mortgage and he agreed when the house was sold, to split the proceeds equally at that point, then Dd is older at least.

Do you think that’s something he’d agree to? You know him best. But it seems unlikely anyone would agree to 50% of their capital tied up for another 13 years. Wouldn't he want that money to start his own life again, like buy himself another place? What if he met someone else and had another child? Doesn’t that child deserve a secure roof over their head too?

I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation. You have some hard decisions ahead but I hope all turns out well for you.

Gowlett · 19/02/2024 00:13

I don’t think that people who aren’t in bad relationships understand what it’s like. Thing is that the same commenters are ones always saying LTB… I really hate my DH at times, too. It’s so hard. It would be a relief if he left. I know what you’re going through, OP. My boy is 4 & I worry about our home life affecting him. Breaking up a family is not easy…

AgathaAllAlong · 19/02/2024 00:19

Oh OP - why on earth did you have DC with this man? I am sorry you are in this situation but it is soul destroying to read posts like this where a woman has stayed with an abusive man and gone on to have children.

I'm sorry but this is a really stupid comment. Many men only turn abusive once a woman is "trapped" with children, how can you spend even 5 seconds on MN and not know that?

OP: No one benefits from living with parents who hate each other. You probably will have to sell and split, but you're gifting her a childhood without hate and name calling.

Boomboomshakeshaketheroom · 19/02/2024 00:24

Another awful weekend with Dp, but something has finally snapped in me and I want out, no matter how hard it will be.

I remember that feeling and the conversation with XH, which went along the lines of 'I'm done, we're done. I want you gone by end of June and if you're not, the kids and I will go.'

Knowing he couldn't drag a move out forever as a way to control me, he left within the month (longest month of my life).

There comes a point where getting away becomes the number 1 priority - everything else - the upheaval, the money, etc, etc becomes secondary and you just make it work with whatever you have available to you. Once you're free of his bullshit, you'll rebuild and be better off than ever.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2024 00:25

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 23:19

@AInightingale He could afford to move out and rent, that’s why I was wondering *If I could afford to pay the mortgage and he agreed when the house was sold, to split the proceeds equally at that point, then Dd is older at least.

But why should he? What if he were to say to you "Well, you can move out, I'll stay here and DD can split the time between us 50/50. That way she'll still be in 'her' home, etc, etc half the time. Then later on when I decide to sell the house, you'll get your share". Would you go for that? After all, if it's your 1st priority to keep DD in her home, it shouldn't matter which parent is living in said home and which parent is renting, all things being equal.

But seriously, your choices are; he buys you out, you buy him out, or the house gets sold and equity split. There is no other option unless he agrees to one, and I highly doubt he will. He isn't going to want to rent when his share of the equity may qualify him to buy a house or a flat.

See a solicitor by all means, it's always best to get your questions answered by the experts. It allows you to set aside impractical ideas and move forward with realistic expectations.

As far as what do you do once the house goes on the market if you have to live together til it's sold? You tell him that you are effectively 'separated'. That you will no longer be responsible for his 'upkeep'. No more cooking for him, cleaning for him, etc. And that you will separate finances (if they're joint now) and pay your pro rata share of the household expenses. You set up a 'child arrangements' schedule in which you set days for each of you to be the 'primary parent'. And you move into the spare room, the sofa, or start bunking in with DD. And you ignore him after that. You form your own 'new' life, go out with friends, visit relatives, do as you please.

I believe you can apply for certain benefits once you have separated, even if living in the same house. I'm not sure if the same applies to CMS since he'd be living in the same house as DD.

ButterBastardBeans · 19/02/2024 00:27

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 22:48

@ButterBastardBeans In what way will
it make things easier?

Because the police will make him stay away from you and give you advice on how to make this happen - court orders and the like.
Once he is out of the house, you can get legal advice, sort out the finances and sell and find somewhere else local or buy him out or whatever. It will all fall into place if he is forced to stay away from you. Coercive control and domestic abuse is not brushed under the carpet now like it used to be. They will take this seriously.

Ghentsummer · 19/02/2024 00:34

AgathaAllAlong · 19/02/2024 00:19

Oh OP - why on earth did you have DC with this man? I am sorry you are in this situation but it is soul destroying to read posts like this where a woman has stayed with an abusive man and gone on to have children.

I'm sorry but this is a really stupid comment. Many men only turn abusive once a woman is "trapped" with children, how can you spend even 5 seconds on MN and not know that?

OP: No one benefits from living with parents who hate each other. You probably will have to sell and split, but you're gifting her a childhood without hate and name calling.

Except in this case the OP had said her partner has always been like this. So that poster wasn't stupid, they just actually bothered to read what the OP wrote. Perhaps try it yourself.

Yes, some men do become abusive during pregnancy and and after childbirth. And some men are always nasty and for some reason women choose to have children with them.

sandyhappypeople · 19/02/2024 00:36

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 23:19

@AInightingale He could afford to move out and rent, that’s why I was wondering *If I could afford to pay the mortgage and he agreed when the house was sold, to split the proceeds equally at that point, then Dd is older at least.

You could talk to him about it but you can't actually make him leave, if he digs his heels in the only way to guarantee a split is for you to leave with DD and find somewhere to rent until the house is sold, so if you're serious about it you need to be prepared to do that if it comes to it.

Before you say anything to him though you have to have researched exactly what you can do and what you need to put in place, just bear in mind that if he wants 50/50 custody there's nor reason why he wouldn't get it.

Have you got someone in real life you can talk all this through with?

MumblesParty · 19/02/2024 00:39

AgathaAllAlong · 19/02/2024 00:19

Oh OP - why on earth did you have DC with this man? I am sorry you are in this situation but it is soul destroying to read posts like this where a woman has stayed with an abusive man and gone on to have children.

I'm sorry but this is a really stupid comment. Many men only turn abusive once a woman is "trapped" with children, how can you spend even 5 seconds on MN and not know that?

OP: No one benefits from living with parents who hate each other. You probably will have to sell and split, but you're gifting her a childhood without hate and name calling.

@AgathaAllAlong I believe the poster you’re quoting was referring to the part where OP stated she tolerated his abuse before they had a child, but now she doesn’t want her child witnessing it.

DreamTheMoors · 19/02/2024 00:48

Godifeelsolow · 18/02/2024 20:42

@Ponoka7 Very verbally abusive, always has been when angry. I could take it when just me, don’t want Dd to ever hear it

This is as far as I’ve read, @Godifeelsolowbut if you think your daughter hasn’t heard it, you’re very naive.
My dad used to be verbally abusive to my mum in front of me when I was 3, 4 - because he thought I wouldn’t understand. I didn’t understand - but I remembered. And those memories still haunt me.
Your daughter could hear from another room, she could be awake when you & your partner think she’s asleep. There’s a thousand scenarios where she hears - and she’ll remember just like I do.
Get. Out.
Safety matters - houses not so much.

VanGoghsDog · 19/02/2024 00:55

Whose name is the house in?

How much is it worth, what's the outstanding mortgage, how much do you earn, what savings do you have?

If it's his house and you can't buy him out I'd say he's extremely unlikely to let you just stay there. If it's in your name (unlikely I guess), just tell him to leave. If it's in both nanes you've probably got a slightly better chance of being able to stay a while.

But, on balance, you'd be better off properly moving on. Sell the house and find a place to rent.