I want out of this, what are my options, please help

[Godifeelsolow]

Another awful weekend with Dp, but something has finally snapped in me and I want out, no matter how hard it will be.
Beautiful, sunny day and sat in the car trying not to cry earlier, after Dp called me weird and a narcissist, I’d done nothing wrong, he has simmering aggression and I’m starting to actually hate him.
We’re not married, but have a house in both our names and have a young Dd and dog. The best would be for Dd to stay in her house and for all that to stay the same and for him to leave and us to share custody between us somehow. How do I get him to do this? I’m not sure I could afford the mortgage alone, what can I do in this situation?

The thought of tearing my Dd from all that she knows and loves is heartbreaking to me

I'm sorry OP but you are coming at this from completely the wrong direction.

when the house was sold, to split the proceeds equally at that point, then Dd is older at least.

If you are concerned about DD then this is exactly the time to move. Before she's too settled at school. While friendships come and go and new ones are more easily made. Not when she's older and has a firmer group of friends and established activities.

You need to take off your rose coloured glasses. You cannot keep the house until she's 18. DP has an equal share and will want it to buy somewhere else. You will probably have to move into something smaller where you can afford the mortgage.

There is no magic wand that can make this happen easily, and people pointing that out aren't being nasty. They're trying to make you see the reality of the situation. The result might not be what you want but you have to face the hard truth of splitting up.

Honestly, she will be so much happier with a happy mum. Even if you are currently not responding to his verbal abuse and trying to shield her from it, she will still be picking up on it and your unhappiness. Kids know when you’re unhappy.

She will cope with walking abit further to school, she can have another friend/s to play with in her new road and have playdates at her best friends house. Make a clean break and sell and get out and away from an abusive man.

Could you seek counselling and see if the relationship is salvagable. If not, you could use a mediator to work out a win/win?win plan for you all.
Options ..
Sell house and both buy smaller places.
Keep house (where daugher will stay) and both invest in a small two bedroomed flat. Both parents take turns at living with daughter in larger home.
You buy out DH and take in a lodger to help pay the mortgage.
DH buys you out and stays in the house while you find something to buy or rent for you and daughter.
Renovate the house to make two independent dwellings.

Op, have you thought of counseling? It sounds like you don’t want to uproot your lives but you’ve no nest to land in.

I think you need to have a conversation with your dp… let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and that you’re ready to walk unless he agrees to counseling. Go from there. If he refuses, then I’m afraid you will need to do the difficult if you truly want out. The difficult being uprooting and finding a better way.

It is not recommended to engage in counselling with an abuser.

I'd recommend talking to a relationship counsellor, preferably alone first, then including DP if he will go. Also, get some legal advice.

How is he an abuser??? Calling someone a narcissist and weird isn’t being abusive. She didn’t say that he hit her. Many of you probably say way worse things to your partners than that.

MN are always so quick to advise women to leave their relationships and become single mothers. If that can be avoided by having dialogue and honest, open conversation about what ISNT working, and why things need to change, why aren’t families exploring these options?

Calling her weird and a narcissist is pretty nasty. Maybe he's god's gift but somehow I doubt it.

Gosh there are some harsh replies here.
OP I see your point - the right thing to do would be for DP to accept the split and also want DD to stay settled in her house and for DP to move out and rent somewhere. Unfortunately I don’t think many people are going to be that level headed.
i would start looking at what I could do if we had to sell and what would moving look like.
would he willingly pay CSA for example?

Just to add, my parents split when I was a child and I left the idyllic large house in the country where I had a horse to living in a small cpuncil house with no carpets and a smoky coal fire.
i didn’t care one jot.

to split the proceeds equally at that point, then Dd is older at least.

It will get harder to move when she's older. I see you're resisting the idea because you want to keep some consistency for her and for yourself and it's probably hard enough to get your head about the split without also taking on moving home. However it will be way more viable to move a five year old than an older child and she will cope with it much better at this age than later, so give her and yourself more credit and start factoring the move into your planning. Then it will all get done and you'll be free to settle in her new home and there won't be more upheaval and financial stress and entanglement. It won't be easy of course but it will be easier and the best thing for DD and for you overall.

You'd need to sell, split the equity between you and buy a home each with rooms for dd. Yes her life will change but you could look to rent in the same area, until you can buy. I did this. It's more important that both parents can see and provide for her, this is her norm.

If roles were reversed would you be happy to move out, unable to get a mortgage elsewhere, or provide a home for her? I doubt it.

I hope that made you feel good in some way and wasn’t needlessly goady to a woman in a distressing situation. If you’ve had a bad day, I hope tomorrow is better for you.

OP, you might want to report your post and ask it to be moved to the relationships board. You should get some more practical, empathetic, and considered replies than some of the heartless dreck you’re getting on here. I wish you well, you sound like a good mum trying to do the right thing.

How is he an abuser??? Calling someone a narcissist and weird isn’t being abusive. She didn’t say that he hit her.

Calling your partner names is psychological and emotional abuse. There are, unfortunately, so many ways to be abusive that don’t involve laying a finger on someone.

Unfortunately this is the horrible reality of splitting. Realising that Moving into the cheapest 2 bed flat that you can afford, anywhere within a reasonable distance to dd's school, commutable distance to work, is extremely hard.

I agree with this.

Driving 20 mins to see your current childhood friend and a commite to school or even changing schools is not calamitous.

I say this as someone whose mother couldnt face uprooting us. So we endured 18 years each woth our father who was awful. Im out the other side now my sibling is still very badly affected to the point they married someone who was abusive too. We were very very lucky that we managed to persuade them to go for a divorce not too long i to thearriage.

Get out whatever the cost your child will be better off in a stable calm environment even if it means a park down the road not a flat.

Also be aware the number of men who demand 50/50 to punish mothers and avoid maintenance is incredibly high.
do not be phased by this.
The amount who get it and actually uptake it a year after the court agreement is WAY smaller. I cant find the article i read about this but its something stupid like 75% of men ask for 50/50, about 30% are given shared custody, and less than 10% actually do 50/50 a year after the court orders are made. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kids move happily, they really give no shits. My DD finds moving house exciting.

You can’t have your cake and eat it.

@AlltheFs Your post is not very empathetic. It's great for your DD that she likes moving. But this is definitely not the case with all children. My 6 yr old nephew was in the exact situation OP described, uprooted from the house he had lived in all his life, and he found it incredibly difficult and traumatic and was constantly wanting to go "home". It had a huge impact on him emotionally for a long time.

Children are often more resilient than we give them credit for, but these things are not always water off a duck's back to all children.

But she won't necessarily get a happy mum just by dint of her mum breaking up with her dad. This is the reality so few want to acknowledge.

It's obvious from the OP's posts that she is the lower earner of the two parents (as is normally the case). It's also obvious she's spent many years in a very unhappy relationship, even before her daughter came along. Not something someone does if they are happy and at peace with themselves. She doesn't appear to be confident of any family support or the possibility of moving in with parents/siblings for a while to get things in place - I'd bet the farm there's a background of abuse or dysfunction or divorce there which means relationships aren't supportive and healthy. Even if she had come into the relationship perfectly well balanced, years of abuse/unhappiness will grind your mental health down. The seperation is also more than likely going to be unpleasant and gruelling if he is so horrible.

So the idea that upon the instant she is away from this man she will be "a happy mum" is a massive gamble tbh. She'll be less well off, more stressed as a result, and STILL have to deal with him a lot re their shared child if he so chooses, or deal with him choosing NOT to see DD on her daughter's mental health, and it being "her fault" because she instigated the separation. She may have a lot of trauma or underlying depression/self esteem issues to unravel.

I'm not saying she should stay; I'm just saying all the people who say "just leave and your DD will be fine, happy mum happy kids" are too simplistic. Kids don't always act out their trauma; they don't always experience it as trauma, it's just their life. But BOTH things - living in a tense horrible family home AND being in the middle of an acrimonious and destabilising divorce - can cause long term issues that may only fully emerge in adulthood, when they understand that their experience was not "normal" or "ok" (possibly after reenacting it for themselves a few times to make sure). It is at the point of trying to choose the least bad option and hoping like he'll you chose right, knowing you may not see the proof of the pudding for another 20 years.

Staying in the house until she is eighteen is unrealistic I think. He needs the opportunity to be able to make a home for himself and your dd just as much as you do.

Even if he agrees to it now, he's then got something to use against you. You might not be able to feel secure there, it might not feel like your home.

If you can't afford the mortgage, then is he going to pay it plus rental/,mortgage on another property? You'd have to move out and get something affordable. Are you both married? Is the property in both names? I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Crazy you don't like your DP yet you want to stay there pay the mortgage by yourself until DD old enough so he then gets half a house in equity for free. Nuts!!

Move out now clean break get maintance. Staying won't end well for anybody

Split with my ex Xmas 22. Bloody hard. So he left, he moved in with family then got a flat which is 1 bed he still has that same flat kids don't stay overnight as they want more space so he refused. Paid him out mid summer. My mortgage doubled. I work full time we get top up uni credit as daughter has additional needs. Go on turn 2 us website see what help u would get

Give over 🙄

@Godifeelsolow firstly I'm really sorry you're going through this. It is a horrible and vulnerable positions to be in. As others have suggested I would start logging the abuse and also speak to women's aid for some advice. Sorry some of the responses are so rude (lm never sure why Mumsnet is infiltrated by such arseholes). Going forward

1. Get proper legal advice. Pay if you need to.
2. Make various different plans. You can't realistically assume your partner will just want to up and move.
3. If you're not married you have less rights and are entitled to less.
4. Think about contact with your daughter and her dad would look like. Put your feelings aside and think about how much time she would like to spend with him? Is he likely to fight you for 50:50
5. How will you afford everything? Do you have family near who can support you?

I'm not suggesting any of the above should stop you leaving, I'm just asking you to research and make sure you are clear on your position when you finally leave so you feel prepared and don't get any nasty surprises. Good luck. You deserve much more than this man.

Unfortunately, there’s only one side to this discussion, so you cannot say the ‘Right’ thing would be for him to move out. It isn’t the right thing for him. It would cost him a lot more money when he’s still financially liable for the current property.

You have to take emotion out of it - it’s hard but you have to. If you cannot afford to buy him out then you have to sell or let him buy you out.