I want out of this, what are my options, please help

[Godifeelsolow]

Another awful weekend with Dp, but something has finally snapped in me and I want out, no matter how hard it will be.
Beautiful, sunny day and sat in the car trying not to cry earlier, after Dp called me weird and a narcissist, I’d done nothing wrong, he has simmering aggression and I’m starting to actually hate him.
We’re not married, but have a house in both our names and have a young Dd and dog. The best would be for Dd to stay in her house and for all that to stay the same and for him to leave and us to share custody between us somehow. How do I get him to do this? I’m not sure I could afford the mortgage alone, what can I do in this situation?

You have just described to a tee my mother's experience 😔

Hi @Godifeelsolow, I don't think posting to the AIBU part of Mumsnet was in your best interest here as it can get pretty hot under the collar quite quickly. I've been in touch with the MN Admins and made a suggestion that your post be moved either to Chat or Relationships as the information you need right now for your personal situation may be easier found under one of those areas. I've suggested to MN Admins that they reach out to you and I hope you don't think that I was overreaching here. I just read a few of the responses you received and thought that it might be a little less "in your face" (if you will) in one of the other areas on the boards.
I hope you manage to find a solution to your situation.

My ex and his ex wife had an agreement that when the house they bought together sold she would get her share of the equity. She moved out and rented a property and he stayed in the family home - reasoning being that she didn’t want to uproot the kids in any way. I suspect he got himself into extra debt to keep paying the mortgage. As far as I know he still lives in the house but they weren’t even divorced when I was with him and no idea what’s happened since. I don’t know how it works if you’re not married but maybe worth a conversation with a solicitor

You may be able to use TOLATA and Schedule 1 of the Children Act to delay any sale until your daughter is older. Consult a solicitor.

Unfortunately, a partner who starts to engage in this verbal abuse ('simmering aggression' describes it well) doesn't sound like he would be up for compromise or reasonable solutions. Although OP says that he could afford to rent now from his salary, he will want his share of assets even if it means his daughter spending her childhood in private rentals. Not a great existence in the UK, it may be more secure in other countries.

I never said a man should leave a jointly owned home. I said I've known of a surprising amount of men whove refused to leave a shared home when they should've. In my case it was a home that I had personally owned for many years before he'd moved in and towards which he had never paid a penny of the mortgage. I've seen so many different versions of this, always men and never women. I suspect it's something to do with fear of isolation whereas women are largely better at forging networks/maintaining close friendshipsso maybe being alone is less daunting? But really i have no idea.

"The cost of her home"
Eh no. If the mother has primary custody then it's the cost of the children's home...🙈

Honestly, splitting up is so so hard on children, everyone should do everything they possible can to keep that damage to a minimum. For example, Maintaining the joint mortgage on the home the child already knows might be cheaper than privately renting something smaller, less secure and much farther away. Why further traumatize your children just to make sure that life is sufficiently difficult for your ex?

Obviously loads of potential variables here and also different options. But all im saying is OPs hope is not bonkers, it might make sense for them.. Even if you don't get on you're going to be raising children together for the next 10/20 years and wherever possible should try to think of looking after them as a team effort.

Totally agree @Chevybaby . My ex insisted on staying in our home, which was 50-50 jointly owned, He has subsequently filled it with junk and neglected to do any maintenance for years, the agreement was to sell (it was affected by the crash) when it had regained enough value, but he's quite deliberately made it unsellable at a decent price. Valuer says he's seen it before with men living alone after a separation. Those type of men don't give a damn about children or uprooting them. OP has not posted for a while, I hope the thread has not totally depressed her.