Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to continue to give my neighbour financial help?

225 replies

softrain · 08/02/2024 05:26

I live in a small flat in an old house converted into 7 flats. Another elderly neighbour and myself (she is 76; I am in my 60s), have left what small amounts of groceries we can for the gentleman in his late 40s who lives in the basement flat, who is unwell and far from his family in Sudan. Among the groceries I have given him were included some jars of molasses. Recently this gentleman has been knocking at my door asking me to get more molasses for him. I tried to explain that things were a bit difficult for me at the moment, but he insisted, so I ordered 3 more jars from Amazon (which I don't like using), for him, at a cost of £12.30. A week later he came to my door again telling me to get more molasses for him. He took rolls of £20 notes from his pockets, but did not repay the £12.30. He said he would repay this when I got him some more molasses. I said 'But then you'll still owe me another £12'. He just said 'Yeah' and went off back downstairs. I ' m not sure how to handle this - he really isn't very well - and would be very grateful for advice.

OP posts:
lalalala2 · 08/02/2024 05:29

Just say no

Garlickit · 08/02/2024 05:31

Well, that's odd! No, I don't think you should buy things on demand for a man who refuses to pay you for the stuff you already bought for him.

I'd discuss this with your neighbour, too - he takes your kindness too much for granted, and evidently has the means to get his own shopping.

KnowledgeableMomma · 08/02/2024 05:32

"I'm glad you enjoyed the molasses but I won't be ordering it anymore. Here are some resources I thought might be helpful to you." And then maybe you can write down some places/phone numbers you think might be helpful (these services are probably country specific but I'm thinking like Meals on Wheels, food banks, heath services, etc).

BCBird · 08/02/2024 05:33

Money before purchase or say u cannot order any more. He seems to have money. He does not have the right to insist. Is he able to understand you when you explain?

kiwiane · 08/02/2024 05:34

He has money but thinks you should pay for his shopping on demand - you are right to refuse and don’t let him bully your neighbour either.

SnowyPetals · 08/02/2024 05:34

What on earth is he doing with all that molasses? Is there a shop nearby that sells it you could point him to? That might be easier for him if he can't /won't use Amazon. But essentially, stop doing it. I would try to be firm and say you can't afford to buy this for him.

Guavafish1 · 08/02/2024 05:34

Tell him you have no money.

Noicant · 08/02/2024 05:35

Just say no I can’t, he can insist all he likes.

Noicant · 08/02/2024 05:36

KnowledgeableMomma · 08/02/2024 05:32

"I'm glad you enjoyed the molasses but I won't be ordering it anymore. Here are some resources I thought might be helpful to you." And then maybe you can write down some places/phone numbers you think might be helpful (these services are probably country specific but I'm thinking like Meals on Wheels, food banks, heath services, etc).

Nah wouldn’t bother, he has money and owes it to OP (who was very kind to help in the first place). Entitled little shit, he can find his own molasses, may be a lesson on how to treat people who are kind to you.

motherofkevinnotperry · 08/02/2024 05:38

Does he know where to get it from? I'm not sure that he expects you to pay for it but maybe he doesn't know how to obtain it himself.

Say no, don't buy him anymore but show him how he can get his own. If this doesn't work he must have a professional helping him if he's so unwell?

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/02/2024 05:43

Food banks and Meals on Wheels?

For a man with a wad of dosh in his pocket?

I don't think so.

The OP needs to say no. She can be kind and friendly but no. And be prepared to call the police if he turns nasty he likely will

AgentProvocateur · 08/02/2024 05:45

Beside the point, but is molasses the same as treacle?

RedHelenB · 08/02/2024 05:53

Why did you not just take sone of the notes he was waving around ro pay for them. Another mumsnet martyr by the sounds of it.

Fluorescentgem · 08/02/2024 05:57

Just say 'no, I can't' if he asks you to order something. How did you get into that situation? Just ignore him. I can't imagine ordering stuff online for a neighbour and I'm pretty friendly with my neighbours.

ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 08/02/2024 05:58

Can you print out your Amazon invoice, highlight the cost and write "Please pay me £12" on it?

Either put this through his door, or have it in hand in case he knocks again.

But no more orders for him, even if he does pay.

ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 08/02/2024 06:00

RedHelenB · 08/02/2024 05:53

Why did you not just take sone of the notes he was waving around ro pay for them. Another mumsnet martyr by the sounds of it.

🙄

Pinkdressinggownbelt · 08/02/2024 06:03

I feel there might be communication issues here. Ask him to settle the outstanding amount before helping him anymore. If you want to continue getting him molasses, always ask for the money upfront. Seems he might be using molasses medicinally

Garlickit · 08/02/2024 06:04

AgentProvocateur · 08/02/2024 05:45

Beside the point, but is molasses the same as treacle?

Very similar. Molasses is a little more bitter and has more micro-nutrients. It's the residue from the first stage of sugar refining; black treacle comes from further along the process. These days, most black treacle's just molasses blended with golden syrup.

IwishIdidntlikesugar · 08/02/2024 06:10

What is his English like? What made him produce a lot of £20 notes if he wasn’t going to hand one over? Can he leave the house for other things? Is there no middle eastern shop near you?

ImaginaryCat · 08/02/2024 06:11

If he's trying to pay you in cash and expect you to order online, does he not have a means to pay online? Maybe he doesn't have a bank card.
Not your problem, of course, but might be why he's doing this.

Garlickit · 08/02/2024 06:26

@ImaginaryCat, doesn't explain why he ostentatiously refused to pay her back for the previous order.

Jifmicroliquid · 08/02/2024 06:28

I want to know what the molasses king is doing with it all.

Garlickit · 08/02/2024 06:33

I had a neighbour - also a man of around 50 - who seemed to have some sort of minor learning difficulty. He asked to borrow my mobile once, so I let him. Then he started asking every day and even took my phone home with him after stepping away to 'get a better signal' 😬 Obviously I told him no more phone as he was taking the piss too much for granted. He was angry, and genuinely seemed surprised!

Some people think women, maybe especially older ones, exist for their convenience.

Original poster
softrain · 08/02/2024 07:00

Thank you for your comment RedHelenB. I would feel uncomfortable and unsafe grabbing money out of a man's hand. Not a martyr, my dear, just someone trying to help a neighbour and it's gone a bit wrong.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 08/02/2024 07:05

I would say no, no, no with a big smile and laugh. And go on to talk effusively about molasses and whether he has found somewhere locally that sells it etc. Basically try to keep the neighbour connection without getting ripped off.

I think the worst thing about stuff like this is that YOU end up feeling rubbish.