AIBU to not want to continue to give my neighbour financial help?

[softrain]

I live in a small flat in an old house converted into 7 flats. Another elderly neighbour and myself (she is 76; I am in my 60s), have left what small amounts of groceries we can for the gentleman in his late 40s who lives in the basement flat, who is unwell and far from his family in Sudan. Among the groceries I have given him were included some jars of molasses. Recently this gentleman has been knocking at my door asking me to get more molasses for him. I tried to explain that things were a bit difficult for me at the moment, but he insisted, so I ordered 3 more jars from Amazon (which I don't like using), for him, at a cost of £12.30. A week later he came to my door again telling me to get more molasses for him. He took rolls of £20 notes from his pockets, but did not repay the £12.30. He said he would repay this when I got him some more molasses. I said 'But then you'll still owe me another £12'. He just said 'Yeah' and went off back downstairs. I ' m not sure how to handle this - he really isn't very well - and would be very grateful for advice.

I meant take the money he owes you from what he has given you

He is in his 40s, able to walk to your flat and clearly has access to money.

What's his spoken English like generally? If not good, maybe it's a misunderstanding about payment as it hardly makes sense he'd be waving rolls of 20s around if he wanted you to think he couldn't pay.

Next time you see him, you need to get through very plainly that he owes you money and you need that to be repaid (and paid in advance) before ordering anything else. Molasses is hardly a dietary staple and unless you and the other neighbour have been solely responsible for feeding him for 7 years, he can obviously access grocery shopping.

Also OP, I don't understand why you said you couldn't but caved when he insisted. That isn't kindness, it's weakness.

If you want to let him continue to steal from you then do so. Otherwise say no.

Just another man who thinks women are service humans for men. I've been a mug in the past OP - I'm older and wiser now and have learned to say no, I suggest you do the same. Why are you scared of appearing rude when he has no problem being rude to you?

He's clearly a piss taking ponce. What an arsehole. Toughen up OP. This is one of those times I am quite glad to be a jaded cockney. I don't even know what molasses are. Make sure your neighbour's ok too and stops giving in to him. I'd actually watch myself a bit around him and stop engaging. And ignore people's advice about writing him a list of where to go, he's got a smart phone...trust me.

"yes sure no problem"
extend hand say "you will need to give me £40 and then I can buy you two more."

if he doesn't pay the money then say "sorry I don't have any money."

I think this is one of the most naive posts i have read...now the OP should contact an Imam on his behalf?! Bloody hell.

Thank you for your post Deelusional. Excellent case of nominative determinism.

I agree with @DeeLusional. I refuse to believe that an adult woman who clearly has no issues asserting herself on this thread can have such great difficulties navigating what is a straightforward situation. Maybe this is a bid to get molasses into MN Classics alongside the Sistine Chapel and penis beaker.

A bill through his door for what he had last time and hasnt paid for and a promise to order more when he pays in advance.

Thank you for your post. What is penis beaker?

What do you actually want @softrain?

If you think that guy is so in need, then call adult social services. They are not the bad guy. I’m not sure why you think it’s a terrible thing to do. They will make sure his health needs are met, that he has access to enough food and make sure he has things like phone/internet to keep in contact with people. They can also make sure he isn’t extorting his neighbours, because you need to stop buying things for him. Just say no.

If you don’t think he is in need, then don’t call them but then you can also walk away without thinking about it again and stop helping him.

@softrain My FIL was like your neighbour, the wad was to demonstrate that he COULD repay people, in reality he would ask you to get things and view a request for repayment as us looking for a donation.
I suspect your neighbour has a pool of enablers - we became aware of people giving lifts, others helping with laundry and ironing, a kind lady who gave him smuggled cigarettes ...
You have acted out of kindness and it's nice to 'pay forward' but as others have suggested, your neighbour seems to be a taker who may have never put himself out for others - you don't get his sense of entitlement overnight.

You have a very unrealistic view of social services. They really don't swoop in and sort everything out like that.

@ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert

Adult social services do facilitate access to
those things. All broadband providers have a really basic service for something like £5 a month, so if money is low, they will show him that so he can get it set up as he may not be aware. They’ll get him registered at a doctors to sort out his health and signed up to any benefits he is eligible for and food banks etc. They do take action, and point you to the places you need. They don’t do everything FOR you but they’ll get him access to the stuff he needs.

Very bizarre. Sounds like there has been a misunderstanding somewhere along the line. What did he do with his 20s? Just showed you them?

Tell him your Amazon account has been suspended if you really (for some reason) don't want to tell him 'no'. But that it's great for ordering things like molasses.

Provision varies a lot. That has not been my (quite extensive) experience at all.

So does my son-in-law’s - doesn’t prevent him drinking it!

OP says "the gentleman in his late 40s who lives in the basement flat, who is unwell and far from his family in Sudan."

and I offered a suggestion. I didn't say she should, but she is on here asking for advice. It was an alternative approach to some of the other harsh suggestions. Why is it naive to want to help someone?

Well enough to walk to your door, knock and speak to you.

He's taking advantage of you.

Do not buy him any the ing else.

To get cash he must have gone to a bank or cashpoint or sold something and they have brought cash. He's doing just fine without your help.

How is he unwell? Physically or mentally? Tell him he has to pay you upfront for any more.

OP, your updates saying he has been your neighbour for 7 years changes things! He’s had 7 years to get internet and Amazon access himself. He’s working you for something or the old neighbour. 7 years without his family is a long time. If he’s medically unwell he can have seen a doctor in that 7 years. If you think he hasn’t just call someone as advised.

He can order his own stuff from Amazon!

Hello OP, I think sometimes people will push as far as they can and exploit kindness. I re call my grandfather helping a homeless man who eventually moved into my Grandfather’s garage and before we knew it was sharing my Grandfather’s food every day!!

In the end we had to intervene as we could see, in as much this man was in need he was also very coercive and took advantage of my Grandfather’s good nature.

Do you have anyone who could do the talking for you? Otherwise I think social services is a good idea.