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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging at ‘I don’t care’ comment re: childcare

211 replies

Flames99 · 06/02/2024 20:33

Ok so I’m pretty sure IANBU but just wanted to check / rant.

Currently on maternity leave with baby #2 and starting to think about returning to work so planning in some KIT days.

MIL has kindly offered to have the kids one day. While I 100% appreciate the offer of help and want to take her up on it, I’m concerned about the fact she doesn’t really know either DC. She’s seen the baby about 10 times, almost every occasion only because I’ve taken them to her.

I’m planning on doing a 9-5 KIT day which will be the longest I’ve left both kids. MIL has offered to have them which is great, but I have said I would like her to get to know them a bit better slightly first. For further context my eldest was a lockdown baby and is very shy around new people (no idea if that’s lockdown related or not). I just feel like it’s a long time for her to have them when she’s not even spent a couple of hours alone with them before.

I suggested to DP she come over beforehand while I’m here to get to know them better.

To which his response was ‘I don’t care’

I am FUMING

For me it’s not about the issue of who is having the kids or when, it’s the fact that sorting childcare is something that he quite literally apparently doesn’t care about.

Not that it should matter but I’m the breadwinner so it’s not even as if he’s thinking my job is just a bit of pocket money or whatever. Obviously I’ve not said that to him but after his response I really feel like it.

He has said that he said it because he feels like I wouldn’t listen to anything that he says about his mum. But for me it’s not personal about his mum, I would feel the same about anyone who hasn’t built a relationship with the DC suddenly looking after them both for such a long day - I find it hard work and I’m their mum.

The continuing point I make about his mum is that she hasn’t once come over to see me while on maternity leave, it has always been me taking the kids over to her.

This has just really, really enraged me tonight and I don’t know where to go from here.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I just can’t believe he said he didn’t care. Questioning everything right now.

OP posts:
minipie · 06/02/2024 20:36

I may be projecting here

But I’m wondering if this isn’t so much him saying “not my problem”

more him saying “this has the potential to blow up into an argument between wife and mum and I don’t want to get involved”

Thementalloadisreal · 06/02/2024 20:37

Offer to quit your job and stay at home to care for the children. He might start caring then.

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 20:39

@minipie You could be right. I’ve basically taken it to mean he doesn’t care about my career which deep down I know isn’t true. But it’s just how it’s made me feel.

For context to as not to drip feed, me and MIL have an ok relationship and get on for the most part but we have clashed on things before. She doesn’t like that the kids have my surname, we have different views on parenting styles etc.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 06/02/2024 20:41

Have you invited her over?

Quitelikeit · 06/02/2024 20:42

is your MiL a risk to the children?

looks like she has avoided overstepping the mark but has decided to be kind and offer to help you out

If she isn’t a risk then don’t look a gift horse in the mouth - regardless of you she loves those children and wants to be a grandma to them

Relax

Dartmoorcheffy · 06/02/2024 20:44

Does your partner not work, as you say you are the breadwinner? Why can't he look after them?

WandaWonder · 06/02/2024 20:44

Either let her help or don't you don't have to turn it into a drama, maybe he does not want to get involved in complicating something that doesn't need to be? Or yes, it could be a heap of other reasons only he knows that

CatherinedeBourgh · 06/02/2024 20:47

My mother lives on a different continent. She came over when dc were babies and we went on holiday skiing. Dh and I went off all day, she stayed with the dc. Due to the distance, she obviously hadn't got to know them much beforehand.

That's how she got to know them and develop a good relationship with them. It was a lovely thing to do for us, she said she wanted to do it (even though she hates the cold) because the best way to build a good relationship with gc is by taking care of them when the parents aren't there. When the parents are there, babies are naturally more focussed on them, so have less of an opportunity to really bond with gps.

cansu · 06/02/2024 20:49

I suppose he might be thinking that you don't really want his opinion or that there is likely to be an argument.

Why not just invite your mil to come over for a morning and on an outing to get to know their usual routine and for them to spend more time with their gran? If you present it in the right way it should be fine. I would maybe say I am so pleased that they are going to be with you. What day can you pop over so I can give you a heads up on their routine and we can have a catch up?

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 20:49

@purpleme12 yes constantly but she says it’s too far to drive

@Quitelikeit She isn’t a risk to them at all so I do actually probably need to be told to relax. She would keep them fed and watered. We do disagree on certain parenting styles but essentially they would of course come to no harm with her and I’m fully prepared to accept I may need to relax. I’ve never left the baby for that length of time with anyone which may be skewing things, I’d be happy with my mum doing it no issues but that’s because she has such a closer relationship with them.

@Dartmoorcheffy He does work, I just mean I earn significantly more than him. He doesn’t have much annual leave to use between now and when the leave year renews because of taking some in conjunction with paternity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 20:51

@cansu This is part of the issue, I have invited her over but she says it’s too far. She does work but has time off in the week and other than that first week fresh out of hospital, she has only seen the DCs if I take them over to hers. I would love her to come over and just see us without it being about childcare and have asked several times but have never had the offer taken up!

OP posts:
Jeffjefftyjeff · 06/02/2024 20:52

Tell your partner childcare is his problem too.

Welcome childcare offers from MIL with open arms.

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 20:52

@CatherinedeBourgh That is actually really reassuring and helpful, thank you

OP posts:
NewName24 · 06/02/2024 20:53

WandaWonder · 06/02/2024 20:44

Either let her help or don't you don't have to turn it into a drama, maybe he does not want to get involved in complicating something that doesn't need to be? Or yes, it could be a heap of other reasons only he knows that

This

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 20:53

@Jeffjefftyjeff This is what I’m most annoyed about to be fair. It’s not the ins and outs over who has the kids, it’s the fact he said he didn’t care. Which shouldn’t surprise me as he doesn’t get involved in any childcare arrangements but the fact he so openly said he didn’t care has really wound me up.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 06/02/2024 20:54

Quitelikeit · 06/02/2024 20:42

is your MiL a risk to the children?

looks like she has avoided overstepping the mark but has decided to be kind and offer to help you out

If she isn’t a risk then don’t look a gift horse in the mouth - regardless of you she loves those children and wants to be a grandma to them

Relax

and this

But I’m wondering if this isn’t so much him saying “not my problem”

more him saying “this has the potential to blow up into an argument between wife and mum and I don’t want to get involved”

and this.

Seems another case of a MiL not being able to do right for doing wrong.

5foot5 · 06/02/2024 20:54

When he said "I don't care" could he actually mean "I don't mind either way". Perhaps he is reluctant to get involved in what he thinks might be an argument.

I am also wondering what he does if you are the breadwinner.

tempnameforadvice · 06/02/2024 20:54

How old is DC2?

MiaGee · 06/02/2024 20:54

he said it because he feels like I wouldn’t listen to anything that he says about his mum

this feels telling! My DH would never say this to me because he would never have reason to. Disagreeing on surnames doesn't equal needing his parents to run a settling in programme like a nursery. I'd say you need to chill a bit.

NotQuiteNorma · 06/02/2024 20:57

LTB

Tourmalines · 06/02/2024 20:57

Well maybe this is a way she CAN get to know them . Building a bond takes time but you got to start somewhere . When they go to nursery they don’t know the staff either but they attach in time . Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth with your MiL . She would be helping you massively and maybe your husband means he does not want to be involved between you and his mum .

theduchessofspork · 06/02/2024 20:57

Is it perhaps that he doesn’t see it’s a big deal whether she spends a day here or not ie they’ll be fine either way?

I would have put it better but that’s probably what I’d think

TheSnowyOwl · 06/02/2024 20:57

You do realise that any nursery would spend far less time with your child before they are left there, don’t you? And often at nursery the workers don’t have their own children whereas your MIL clearly has brought up a child/ren?

I agree that your DH is saying he doesn’t want to get involved in this argument. I also suspect that your MIL looking after the children is never going to work out for you because you are too busy micromanaging her.

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 20:58

NewName24 · 06/02/2024 20:54

and this

But I’m wondering if this isn’t so much him saying “not my problem”

more him saying “this has the potential to blow up into an argument between wife and mum and I don’t want to get involved”

and this.

Seems another case of a MiL not being able to do right for doing wrong.

Show quote history

It’s not really about the MIL, it’s more the fact that I was trying to discuss childcare arrangements with him and he said he didn’t care. I just feel like it shouldn’t just be on me to make childcare arrangements.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 20:59

Tourmalines · 06/02/2024 20:57

Well maybe this is a way she CAN get to know them . Building a bond takes time but you got to start somewhere . When they go to nursery they don’t know the staff either but they attach in time . Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth with your MiL . She would be helping you massively and maybe your husband means he does not want to be involved between you and his mum .

See this is where I think it’s not that she’s just helping me - she’d be helping both of us! Yet it’s me that had to do all the facilitating and sorting.

OP posts: