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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging at ‘I don’t care’ comment re: childcare

211 replies

Flames99 · 06/02/2024 20:33

Ok so I’m pretty sure IANBU but just wanted to check / rant.

Currently on maternity leave with baby #2 and starting to think about returning to work so planning in some KIT days.

MIL has kindly offered to have the kids one day. While I 100% appreciate the offer of help and want to take her up on it, I’m concerned about the fact she doesn’t really know either DC. She’s seen the baby about 10 times, almost every occasion only because I’ve taken them to her.

I’m planning on doing a 9-5 KIT day which will be the longest I’ve left both kids. MIL has offered to have them which is great, but I have said I would like her to get to know them a bit better slightly first. For further context my eldest was a lockdown baby and is very shy around new people (no idea if that’s lockdown related or not). I just feel like it’s a long time for her to have them when she’s not even spent a couple of hours alone with them before.

I suggested to DP she come over beforehand while I’m here to get to know them better.

To which his response was ‘I don’t care’

I am FUMING

For me it’s not about the issue of who is having the kids or when, it’s the fact that sorting childcare is something that he quite literally apparently doesn’t care about.

Not that it should matter but I’m the breadwinner so it’s not even as if he’s thinking my job is just a bit of pocket money or whatever. Obviously I’ve not said that to him but after his response I really feel like it.

He has said that he said it because he feels like I wouldn’t listen to anything that he says about his mum. But for me it’s not personal about his mum, I would feel the same about anyone who hasn’t built a relationship with the DC suddenly looking after them both for such a long day - I find it hard work and I’m their mum.

The continuing point I make about his mum is that she hasn’t once come over to see me while on maternity leave, it has always been me taking the kids over to her.

This has just really, really enraged me tonight and I don’t know where to go from here.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I just can’t believe he said he didn’t care. Questioning everything right now.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 06/02/2024 21:16

Well I think he's being a bit of a dick not to be more helpful about the arrangements but what were you actually arguing about? He said it in the context of a row - what was the actual row?

Sharksarescary · 06/02/2024 21:20

Just ask your Mum to have them. Will they be starting nursery? I’d start them early there too.

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:21

@Sharksarescary Older one goes to pre school a three times a week, baby will be starting at 11 months (absolutely dreading it, so this is probably as much about me not wanting to leave them!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:29

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 06/02/2024 21:16

Well I think he's being a bit of a dick not to be more helpful about the arrangements but what were you actually arguing about? He said it in the context of a row - what was the actual row?

We weren’t even really arguing, I was trying to discuss it with him, he was half paying attention half watching tv, said he didn’t care and then I got annoyed. I think we are both just super tired and grouchy which didn’t help. But I do resent in general that all arranging of childcare fall on me.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 06/02/2024 21:34

It’s not really about the MIL, it’s more the fact that I was trying to discuss childcare arrangements with him and he said he didn’t care. I just feel like it shouldn’t just be on me to make childcare arrangements.

But, in truth, it doesn't take 2 people to arrange it, does it ?
From what I understand, a KIT day is a random day during the period you are on maternity leave, where you go in to your work on a day that suits both them and you. So it sort of is you who needs to co-ordinate the childcare for that day, as you need to fix a day that suits work and suits you and suits whoever is looking after them on that day.
The impression you are giving is that - even if he texted or phoned his Mum to ask her, you would still be putting the barrier about the fact she hasn't looked after them before in the way. He doesn't care that she hasn't looked after them before, because he trusts her. If you have doubts, then it is down to you to decide what it is you want to do.
Obviously we don't know what goes on the rest of the time and what has happened for all of your older dc's life, in terms of "mental load", but in this particular situation you are asking about, he can't really reassure you / stop you fretting over something he thinks there is no need to fret over.

Tourmalines · 06/02/2024 21:35

Windydaysandwetnights · 06/02/2024 21:15

Imo if it is easier /closer for dc to go to your dm's then do that. If dh wants mil to have them he can get them there.. Seems mil and dh want a fucking easy life and don't care if you have one or not.

That’s quite a statement about MIL wanting an easy life?? What do you know about her ?

Etherealcelestialbeing · 06/02/2024 21:35

It sounds like you are overwhelmed with being breadwinner and default parent to me. What is he bringing to the table apart from a second income? The load should be equally split between you.

With his comment, it may be that he is disappointed/embarrassed that his mum is not stepping up - he may feel personally let down by that. It probably doesn't feel great to have you pointing that out to him. I see you need to because it has become related to childcare arrangements but he is getting defensive about it.

Or he may genuinely not mind how things are set up and is happy for you to contact MIL to organise things.

I think you need to sit with him and explain that you have too much on your plate and need help organising things. Part of him helping could be to talk to his mum after childcare. Or you could agree to do that but he takes on something else.

I assume you are returning to work imminently and may have other anxieties around that?

I think you need to find out what he meant by his comment really and move forward from there.

Windydaysandwetnights · 06/02/2024 21:36

Mil wants a relationship with her dgc based on op making the effort of transporting them to her doorstep. That's lazy.

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:37

@Etherealcelestialbeing You are spot on in that yes he is embarrassed and disappointed and has expressed this before, and also I have a lot of anxiety around returning to work this time. So there is probably a lot of underlying feelings on both of our parts that led to this being a row.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:39

@NewName24 He wouldn’t call her or text her, it would have to be me. Probably in part my fault that I always organised childcare for dc1 so now he’s just come to expect it.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 06/02/2024 21:40

Windydaysandwetnights · 06/02/2024 21:36

Mil wants a relationship with her dgc based on op making the effort of transporting them to her doorstep. That's lazy.

Nonsense. And I don’t think looking after 2 children all day is lazy. Quite the opposite.

WandaWonder · 06/02/2024 21:41

childcare is needed, his mum offers, there is nothing wrong with her doing it except what you have decided yourself, he does not see an issue

So no I don't see what there is to discuss

there is probably one person in a relationship who gets on with things and can make instant decisions and another who needs to have discussions about everything, why is one person wrong? (this may be a general statement not sure if the OP does need to to discuss everything or this is a one off)

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:41

@Tourmalines I agree, I think it’s bloody hard work and that’s why I’m weary of her doing it when she barely knows them and isn’t used to it, but I think @Windydaysandwetnights means because every time she sees them it has to be me taking them to her.

OP posts:
Etherealcelestialbeing · 06/02/2024 21:44

Ok. So I see a few options...

Say you want her help and ask him to arrange her coming over (have a back up plan in case this doesn't work out)

Say you want her help and contact her yourself to remove that awkward/shame moment for him

Take a step back from her - maybe you cant push someone into being a doting grandparent so make other arrangements

Is it worth the two of you falling out? Sounds like there are deeper issues here for him with his DM.

sleepyscientist · 06/02/2024 21:47

I organise all our childcare two hands makes it a mess and leads to mistakes. I wouldn't worry about them not knowing her too well they are young enough to adapt. MIL doesn't have out DS much but when she does he love her so I make it happen for him.

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:48

This has actually been really useful so thank you everyone. I don’t want to be one of those posters who is told that they’re being unreasonable and then doubles down! I think we were maybe both a bit unreasonable for different reasons, not least because we are both chronically sleep deprived so extra tetchy with each other. I think this has made me realise that it’s not about this specific comment but about my wider anxieties around returning to work and also the distribution of the mental load of child-reading, something we do have lots of discussions on. But PPs are also absolutely right that I do need to relax and just take this offer of childcare at face value without overthinking it so much,

OP posts:
5128gap · 06/02/2024 21:51

Is 'I don't care' short hand for 'She's my mum. She raised me and I trust her. So personally i dont think its necessary. However you clearly do and have issues because you think she doesn't make enough effort. I don't want to have to sit and have another conversation where you criticise my mum. So I'm going to keep my thoughts to myself. Have her over or don't. I don't mind either way'..?

Spirallingdownwards · 06/02/2024 21:56

Sounds to me like he means he doesn't care either way what you decide to do because if he gave an opinion it would be wrong anyway. Are you always this sensitive over minor things because that may be what led to this response?

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:59

@5128gap I don’t think that’s the case. He is genuinely hurt and disappointed by his mum’s unwillingness to get to know our DC and has expressed this several times (far more than me, I tend to try not to comment because after all it’s his mum). It felt like he was saying he didn’t care who looked after them / didn’t care about my KIT day, which was why I was so annoyed. But fully prepared to accept that was me misinterpreting it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 22:00

@Spirallingdownwards Sorry bit to me someone saying they don’t care about childcare / my work isn’t a minor thing, hence me being upset.

OP posts:
ChannelyourinnerElsa · 06/02/2024 22:01

5128gap · 06/02/2024 21:51

Is 'I don't care' short hand for 'She's my mum. She raised me and I trust her. So personally i dont think its necessary. However you clearly do and have issues because you think she doesn't make enough effort. I don't want to have to sit and have another conversation where you criticise my mum. So I'm going to keep my thoughts to myself. Have her over or don't. I don't mind either way'..?

This is exactly how I would have taken it to. I don’t care is about I don’t care whether you do a trial with MIL or not.

Spirallingdownwards · 06/02/2024 22:02

Flames99 · 06/02/2024 22:00

@Spirallingdownwards Sorry bit to me someone saying they don’t care about childcare / my work isn’t a minor thing, hence me being upset.

As many posters have said he didn't care what you decided because if he gave any alternative view you would tell him he was wrong. Which is what I have said and you have done what he expected you to do and told me I am wrong. Kind of proves my point.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 06/02/2024 22:03

I'm guessing his comment didn't literally mean he doesn't care, but more so he doesn't mind. You have mentioned needing to relax and let go. You mention you have never left the baby with anyone for that length of time. Does that include your husband?
I assume you are the one who makes the decisions. Who decides when where and what. I'm imaging even if he offered opinion your opinion would outweigh his? So in that context I can see why he said he doesn't care.
He knows the children will be fine. And he knows you'll make the decision one way or another.
You can't control everything, and then get annoyed when he stands back and let's you control everything.
He is an equal parent. But unless you give him the chance to be an equal parent then you will see he "doesn't care" more and more.

TwylaSands · 06/02/2024 22:05

Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:02

DH doesn’t drive so no it’s on me. As will be the preparing their food for the day etc.

Show quote history

Why?!

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 22:06

@TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre Baby has been left with my mum for a few hours. Not with DP no because that’s never come up… I have asked him if he can take some time off so I can do another KIT day. But he’s never had a reason to spend that long with him before. You may be right about don’t mind, if he’d have said that I probably wouldn’t have had an issue with it, it’s the way he said he didn’t care that made me feel like he didn’t care about my work.

OP posts: