To be raging at ‘I don’t care’ comment re: childcare

[Flames99]

Ok so I’m pretty sure IANBU but just wanted to check / rant.

Currently on maternity leave with baby #2 and starting to think about returning to work so planning in some KIT days.

MIL has kindly offered to have the kids one day. While I 100% appreciate the offer of help and want to take her up on it, I’m concerned about the fact she doesn’t really know either DC. She’s seen the baby about 10 times, almost every occasion only because I’ve taken them to her.

I’m planning on doing a 9-5 KIT day which will be the longest I’ve left both kids. MIL has offered to have them which is great, but I have said I would like her to get to know them a bit better slightly first. For further context my eldest was a lockdown baby and is very shy around new people (no idea if that’s lockdown related or not). I just feel like it’s a long time for her to have them when she’s not even spent a couple of hours alone with them before.

I suggested to DP she come over beforehand while I’m here to get to know them better.

To which his response was ‘I don’t care’

I am FUMING

For me it’s not about the issue of who is having the kids or when, it’s the fact that sorting childcare is something that he quite literally apparently doesn’t care about.

Not that it should matter but I’m the breadwinner so it’s not even as if he’s thinking my job is just a bit of pocket money or whatever. Obviously I’ve not said that to him but after his response I really feel like it.

He has said that he said it because he feels like I wouldn’t listen to anything that he says about his mum. But for me it’s not personal about his mum, I would feel the same about anyone who hasn’t built a relationship with the DC suddenly looking after them both for such a long day - I find it hard work and I’m their mum.

The continuing point I make about his mum is that she hasn’t once come over to see me while on maternity leave, it has always been me taking the kids over to her.

This has just really, really enraged me tonight and I don’t know where to go from here.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I just can’t believe he said he didn’t care. Questioning everything right now.

“the one that has to facilitate a relationship between DCs and grandparents on my DH’s side”

No, you don’t have to do this.

If it’s easier for you to get your mum to cover your KIT day - and it sounds like it is - do that. If you want, you can say to DH, “I’m going to ask mum tomorrow to cover my Kit day on March 5, unless you want to ask your mum before that if she can do it? Let me know before midday tomorrow either way.”

And he can damn well make the lunches for whoever has them on your KIT day.

And if there is any money in the kitty, he needs to learn to drive. If a child needs taking to a and e or whatever once you are back at work, both parents need to be able to do it.

Tbh, if I had gc and offered to look after them for the day, then had doubt thrown my way from dil about whether I could look after them properly, I would smile sweetly, withdraw my offer, and suggest she found someone else.

@Livelovebehappy I don’t doubt she can look after them properly. They will be safe with her for sure. Do I think they would be happier with my mum? Yes because she knows them and isn’t a stranger to them. I can also see that she can’t get to know them if she’s not given chance to, but if you read my previous posts you’ll see that I have tried and that I’m basically sick of it being on me to facilitate a relationship between them and her.

@SheilaFentiman Weirdly I’d forgot about the lunches until this thread and it reminded me that when I was working while DC1 was little it was ALWAYS me who sorted the meals and snacks for while they were being looked after, clearly some hidden resentment there which I’d clearly forgotten about!

Is your DH going to learn to drive (unless there is a medical reason why not?). Otherwise is it going to be down to you or your MIL to do all the travelling to facilitate the relationship? If so, that doesn’t sound fair. It also sounds like your DM has looked after the DC by herself for a day but your DH hasn’t? I don’t think he is currently in a position to comment on the contribution made by other people regardless as to exactly what he meant when he said he didn’t care.

I think you need to share the mental load more fairly, but this means that your husband gets to make decisions which you might not like - so he sorts out childcare and his mum does it, he makes lunches and they eat whatever he provides etc.

Not the point of your thread, but some companies let you do just a few hours ie. morning/afternoon/10-3 for your kit days and still get paid the full day's pay. Might be worth looking at your kit day policy if you were thinking that 9-5 is too long to leave them with mil for the first time.

Does your MiL's "too far" comment really mean she doesn't like driving into a city/ motorway driving/unlit country roads after dark?

Have you become default childcare organiser because, after mat leave, childcare has been arranged around your working hours and you have been dropping DC off/picking up as you are the only driver? It's all too easy to carry on being responsible for everything child related when you have been the main daily carer. No reason for their father not to step up and you relinquish some tasks though.

Sounds like he's fed up of you wittering about it

he just genuinely doesn’t see so much of what needs doing with kids

Oh come on now, that's not true at all, he just doesn't need to because you do it, they're not as green as they are cabbage looking you know.

I'm honestly not trying to get at you, please don't think I am, I just see so many women fall into this trap and it will 100% lead to you resenting him in a few years (you're already getting annoyed about his lack of input and you having to do more than him in relation to the children, it will only get worse). My sister did what she thought was the right thing and did everything for her husband and kids even though she works full time and always has, she's the breadwinner too.. then spent the next 15 years moaning that the husband and kids don't do anything off their own back, she has to nag nag nag to get any help at all now, and any 'help' that is offered is half arsed at best, she's bloody miserable.

I'm quite a take charge, organised person, so DH has a habit of letting me get on with things, we both work full time, but I never did anything for him in relation to taking care of our DD, if he was going out for the day he'd have to pack the bag, sort out what clothes she'd need, sort out food, (i do it if we go together normally) he does exactly the same for her as I do and the same amount of cooking, laundry and chores as what I do, not at all in the same way but I don't really care about that as long as the end result is the same (most the time!), we're completely interchangeable when it comes to capability though and I couldn't tolerate anything less personally, I feel sad and bloody angry for people like my sis who are stuck in this cycle of servitude from just trying to be the best parent and wife they could be.

I feel they are interchangable.

"I don't care" "I don't mind" "Doesn't bother me either way" all express the same thing to me.

If they don't to you OP, then this whole discussion is different, as several posters have pointed out from the start.

"I don't care" is a bit rude (unless you'd been having the same conversation 9 million times already) but "I don't mind either way" or "up to you" would be fine. He was probably trying to keep out of it without exactly saying "obviously I personally think my mum would be fine because she's my mum but if you don't agree then I don't want a big ding-dong about it so you do you"

Fair play to you @Flames99 for all your considered replies, and for taking on board comments and thoughts people have offered.
Nice to see on AIBU

Gosh I wouldn't be leaving my baby for a 9-5 day with someone they knew that little.

@Kittylala what a stupid comment, childcare doesn't arrange itself, it's not "wittering."

Most parents have to leave their babies 9-5 (or longer) with a whole bunch of people the babies do not know at all, and neither do the parents. It's called nursery!

I think you sit down and say ok dh here is the deal. You are not involved in any way in planning or executing childcare for our children- that’s yours and mine and I’m pissed off. Why is this 100% on me? I am tagging you to prepare the food for our children for their days they need to take food. You can talk to me in the evening about what it will be, it has to be nutritious and balanced and they like most of it at least, and there is no reason in the universe this is just an extra job I have to do when they have two parents. I want to feel like if I got hit by a bus at least my children have their dad, rather than thank goodness my mum is so good with them as their dad wouldn’t actually know how to properly take care of them.

I came here to say that, and I mean seriously.

A man who "doesn't care" about his DC's childcare is dead weight. Get rid of him. You have two DCs, you don't need a man acting like a third DC.

This is a red flag: he doesn't even take his eyes off the TV when the mother of his kids wants to discuss their childcare. He doesn't respect you and you've got used to this contempt from him.

Earns less than you. Does none of the child-related stuff. Disrespects you when you talk to him about your children. And doesn't even drive.

My fanny just slammed shut like a bank vault door.

What value does this prince actually add to your household?

The "I don't care" is not an all encompassing ongoing statement about you and your career, life and feelings. It was him not wanting to deal with that particular topic at that time. My fella says "IDK or IDC' all the flipping time, but it means I don't want to be involved in the decision, not I hate you. Annoying, yes. But the MiL thing sounds reasonable, so get her to know them a bit better and then you will feel more confident leaving them with her. Or if not, find a childminder.

To which his response was ‘I don’t care’

Tells you all you need to know.

I'd be getting my ducks in a row and sorting out life as a solo mum.

I'm one and so much easier than having a selfish manchild around.

Can you afford to pay for childcare when MIL would be having them?

If so, I'd ask your mum to do the KIT day, book your DC into a nursery close to your house and put your DP on warning that his attitude means that he is becoming so useless that he may end entirely superfluous to the requirements of your family life (and therefore easy to get rid of).

Your strong feelings about this particular incident are because he's coasting generally while you're carrying the load. He may not realise it but he's essentially exploiting you.

TBH I'd step back from trying to make it fair for everyone and from engineering relationships on behalf of everyone. If you and the children will be happier with your mum doing the KIT days then I'd go with this on the face of no one else being proactive about another arrangement. Not saying other grandparent doesn't care , they just see things differently . You can't spend their childhoods taking full responsibility of engineering things on behalf of others. Your MIL wishes to help, either that's the kind of help you need or not. I think you are anxious about things that matter less than you think,but that's OK, that's how you feel. Do what's best for you this one day, it's about KIT with work, don't pile on extra pressure on yourself.

And yes, I'd be annoyed by the other parent abdicating responsibility , I'd probably not be raging but I'd be upset by the off hand nature of the reply.

You are doing that thing that really irritates me about parents who have access to free childcare.... You are behaving as though you are doing some massive favour to her rather than the other way around which makes you sound very entitled. You said your MiL has seen your baby 10 times but baby is only 8 months old so on average over once a month. That is not an insignificant amount of time and frankly it doesn't matter who does the driving about to facilitate her seeing them, she has seen them. And she's seen them an awful lot more than any nursery would before you leave DC with them. She'll get to know them more whilst she's looking after them on her own. By your own admission you and MiL don't have the best relationship and currently spending time with DC means spending time with you so perhaps she's simply not that enthralled with doing that but she's probably looking forward to getting to be a Grandma without you there. Now you may well come to decide that you don't want someone who doesn't really like you that much looking after your children and that would be a valid choice. But you don't seem to like her that much either yet are willing to let her look after your children because seemingly you want the free childcare and you're trying to accept her kind offer whilst also finding fault with the way she's doing it before she's even started. Just say no! You are not doing her the favour by trying to make her be involved; she's offered you free childcare and you want to snap her hand off for that. So stop whining about how she isn't doing a good enough job by your standards already and let her just get on with it. Or say thank you but no and go and pay for childcare. It honestly drives me mad the amount of parents who complain about their free childcare set up! If you want to dictate the terms, go and bloody pay for it.