To be raging at ‘I don’t care’ comment re: childcare

[Flames99]

Ok so I’m pretty sure IANBU but just wanted to check / rant.

Currently on maternity leave with baby #2 and starting to think about returning to work so planning in some KIT days.

MIL has kindly offered to have the kids one day. While I 100% appreciate the offer of help and want to take her up on it, I’m concerned about the fact she doesn’t really know either DC. She’s seen the baby about 10 times, almost every occasion only because I’ve taken them to her.

I’m planning on doing a 9-5 KIT day which will be the longest I’ve left both kids. MIL has offered to have them which is great, but I have said I would like her to get to know them a bit better slightly first. For further context my eldest was a lockdown baby and is very shy around new people (no idea if that’s lockdown related or not). I just feel like it’s a long time for her to have them when she’s not even spent a couple of hours alone with them before.

I suggested to DP she come over beforehand while I’m here to get to know them better.

To which his response was ‘I don’t care’

I am FUMING

For me it’s not about the issue of who is having the kids or when, it’s the fact that sorting childcare is something that he quite literally apparently doesn’t care about.

Not that it should matter but I’m the breadwinner so it’s not even as if he’s thinking my job is just a bit of pocket money or whatever. Obviously I’ve not said that to him but after his response I really feel like it.

He has said that he said it because he feels like I wouldn’t listen to anything that he says about his mum. But for me it’s not personal about his mum, I would feel the same about anyone who hasn’t built a relationship with the DC suddenly looking after them both for such a long day - I find it hard work and I’m their mum.

The continuing point I make about his mum is that she hasn’t once come over to see me while on maternity leave, it has always been me taking the kids over to her.

This has just really, really enraged me tonight and I don’t know where to go from here.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I just can’t believe he said he didn’t care. Questioning everything right now.

I can feel your frustration, and see that it's because you are doing everything, and your DP's I don't care comment while not even looking at you was the final straw.

You need to sit him down when you've let the initial rage settle, and go through your whole set up and how things will work when you are back to work full-time. If you don't, you will become more resentful as your DP leaves more to you, and you get more overwhelmed.

I understand your anxiety, but agree with other PP saying this is how they will develop a bond.

Think about it: your most likely alternative is they go to nursery when you're at work (though obviously not for a KIT day). Notwithstanding "settling in" sessions, kids go to nursery not knowing any of the adults who will care for them, and it's a completely unfamiliar environment. They get used to it. If that sounds harsh, it's not meant to. It's just a reality for most parents who have to work. My DC's start at nursery aged 1 was frankly traumatic and I hated dropping her off. She settled well though and ended up asking to go there on days I wasn't working!

Also bear in mind that you might not get a true idea of how your kids will be with MIL by having her over when you're also there. Most young children gravitate towards mum if she's around, and may exhibit an aversion to being with an alternative adult who's also there. But they're fine when there is no option. My mum sometimes comes over to help with childcare if DC is sick off school, and if I'm wfh, even at age 5 DC will whine for me. But if I'm not home, they're fine with granny.

@Elektra1 They will be going to nursery a number of days a week once I go back to work

Pay for nursery, all problems solved.

If MIL is doing childcare, you have to take it on her terms. This particular issue you're dealing with is the tip of the iceberg.

@Starseeking Yes I think I’m annoyed about being left to do everything child related and worried that this will continue when I go back to work, so it’s probably more that this comment was just the final straw. And also how he said it / the words he used were misinterpreted. We are both frustrated by the lack of effort his parents put in in terms of having a relationship with the DC as well so that’s part of it too, not that anyone should have to put an effort into a relationship if they don’t want to, but MIL moans about how little she sees the baby and yet has never really made the effort to come and see them, expects me to go over each time instead.

We are for when I go back to work! This is just a one off. So with hindsight now I’ve calmed down I can see I shouldn’t have got so annoyed about one comment about one day.! It clearly wound me up because of other issues which I didn’t appreciate at the time.

Why doesn't your DH do anything when it comes to caring for his own kids?

He doesn't sort their lunches or meals.
He can't drive them anywhere.
He hasn't tried to help sort childcare.
And he hasn't even cared for them for a whole day - ever.

That would bother me much more than driving half an hour to get to MIL for free childcare for the day.

I think you are over thinking this big time !!!

It's one off childcare via kit days

It's not ongoing childcare once you are back at work as using a nursery

Mil works and offering to have kids on her day off. Be grateful

Why doesn't dh drive

Why did you choose your name over his for the kids - not double barrel? Are you married ?

@Blondeshavemorefun I am an overthinker for sure so I don’t deny I’m overthinking it. Probably not worthy of creating a MN thread about it really but at the time I was super annoyed, although as I’ve since said it’s clear that I was actually probably annoyed about other reasons.

@lifeispainauchocolat As I’ve said he does look after them so I can go out, but I’ve never had the need or desire to go out for a full day since baby as born. I think all the child stuff has defaulted to me since being on maternity leave.

This is a one off? She's not having them when you're back at work just this one KIT day?! And you're making this much fuss? Seriously? How long exactly are you expecting MIL to spend prior to prove she's worthy of the job? And as a one off KIT why is it your husband's job to sort childcare for you? Childcare absolutely should be a shared responsibility but this is an isolated day during your maternity leave that you have chosen at random to do so sorry, but yes, in that instance it is your responsibility to sort the childcare as your husband has absolutely no say over the day or hours that you agree with your manager. Gosh you sound incredibly high maintenance.

I think all the child stuff has defaulted to me since being on maternity leave.

But you said you did everything when you both worked and only had DC1

Fair play to you OP, not many people on here take the comments and reflect and come back.

Good luck on the KIT day!

And I agree with PP, sounds like there's some non MIL issues to resolve sadly

YABU wanting MiL to jump through hoops to have them for the day. DP isn’t taking time off and if she wasn’t free and offering you’d be paying a stranger to help. DC will be fine with a kind, competent person.

DP’s message was rude but his frustration over your approach re MIL was understandable.

YANBU to want DP to do his fair share now and in preparation for your return to work.

‘Obviously I’ve not said that to him but after his response I really feel like it.’

Not obvious - that would be the first thing I say to my DH if he made that comment tbh 😂

I think MIL does sound disappointing tbh. All these posters like ‘well my mil is dead/lives abroad, you should just be grateful to have a MIL’ [and any scraps of interest she gives you]….. it doesn’t track really. My MIL has been bedridden for the 16+ years I’ve known her, doesn’t mean OP needs to be delighted by her MIL.

@Loopytiles I’m not expecting her to jump through hoops. My mum can have them no issue but trying to also build a bond between MIL and them!

Your partner can request parental leave, I'd do that if he's used all his annual leave. They're his kids not your mil's.

@Setyoufree Haha thank you, I don’t want to be a poster who asks if they’re being unreasonable then refuses to believe it! It’s a small issue in the grand scheme of things and things always look different after sleep don’t they.

I’m going to stop commenting on this thread now, not because I don’t appreciate the views but I feel like I’m repeating myself a bit! Thank you everyone though, lots of food for thought.

This. You either accept her help or don’t. You’re being a bit precious in my opinion.

I have a 4 week old and would happily let either grandparents look after her for a day.

Your partner’s response wasn’t ideal but he probably doesn’t want to get involved in this and tbh I wouldn’t either.

As is a common theme on these threads, you need to give your DP a kick up the arse and stop have around like a headless chicken trying to do other people's emotional labour for them. It's not your problem/workstream to promote an emotional bond between MIL and your DC so long as you're not getting in the way and are offering the opportunity. If you're not happy with her as childcare, use different childcare.

But really you have a DP problem. As do most people who post in these scenarios. I feel for you - it's a difficult one to sort out. Many men has no comprehension (or willingness to comprehend) the domestic labour inequality or exploitation that is happening in their homes and often see equality as oppression and strenuously oppose any move by their partner to put in place a fairer, more equal system (or just sabotage it). Good luck.

@Flottie That’s great for you, but not everyone is the same and you don’t need to judge people for it. No chance in hell was I leaving my baby with someone when they were four weeks old, would I trust them to keep them alive? Yes. Did I want to be apart from the baby for that long? No. That’s the exact reason I’ve not left them for a day before, I don’t want to. I know it’s alien to some Mumsnetters that others do actually want to be with their baby all day. There is no right or wrong but I hate the judgement from others that you should be leaving your baby by a certain age.

Maybe you MIL has never felt she was allowed to get to know her Grandchildren, maybe he feels that they are you children either because he doesn't care or maybe because you make him feel that way.
As for being concerned about leaving your children with your Mil because she doesn't know them properly, how are you going to cope leaving them in a nursery with a whole building full of people that don't know them ? I think you need to loosen up.

@Goldbar You are exactly right and I think maternity leave has widened that gap. I do keep trying to talk to DH about how things will have to change when I go back to work but he just doesn’t seem to get it. To be fair he does do more than some, and definitely better than some of the horror stories I’ve read on here! But he has no comprehension of the invisible domestic labour / mental load.