To be raging at ‘I don’t care’ comment re: childcare

[Flames99]

Ok so I’m pretty sure IANBU but just wanted to check / rant.

Currently on maternity leave with baby #2 and starting to think about returning to work so planning in some KIT days.

MIL has kindly offered to have the kids one day. While I 100% appreciate the offer of help and want to take her up on it, I’m concerned about the fact she doesn’t really know either DC. She’s seen the baby about 10 times, almost every occasion only because I’ve taken them to her.

I’m planning on doing a 9-5 KIT day which will be the longest I’ve left both kids. MIL has offered to have them which is great, but I have said I would like her to get to know them a bit better slightly first. For further context my eldest was a lockdown baby and is very shy around new people (no idea if that’s lockdown related or not). I just feel like it’s a long time for her to have them when she’s not even spent a couple of hours alone with them before.

I suggested to DP she come over beforehand while I’m here to get to know them better.

To which his response was ‘I don’t care’

I am FUMING

For me it’s not about the issue of who is having the kids or when, it’s the fact that sorting childcare is something that he quite literally apparently doesn’t care about.

Not that it should matter but I’m the breadwinner so it’s not even as if he’s thinking my job is just a bit of pocket money or whatever. Obviously I’ve not said that to him but after his response I really feel like it.

He has said that he said it because he feels like I wouldn’t listen to anything that he says about his mum. But for me it’s not personal about his mum, I would feel the same about anyone who hasn’t built a relationship with the DC suddenly looking after them both for such a long day - I find it hard work and I’m their mum.

The continuing point I make about his mum is that she hasn’t once come over to see me while on maternity leave, it has always been me taking the kids over to her.

This has just really, really enraged me tonight and I don’t know where to go from here.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I just can’t believe he said he didn’t care. Questioning everything right now.

My OH often says I don't care and it makes me so mad, but deep down I don't think he means it literally. I would let this one go unless there's a whole load of other reasons to be cross with him.

@TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre I would welcome him making decisions and arrangements. This hasn’t happened so far in 3.5 years of parenting. Me trying to involve him in discussions is my way of trying to get him involved in making such decisions. As per previous posts, it is still on me to ask MIL / speak to her about it. He would not do this as he feel that it’s my responsibility to arrange childcare so I should be the one having those conversations.

@Spirallingdownwards that’s not the case at all. I wanted his views because he is the joint parent. I would like him to liaise with his mum about it because she is his mum. I could quite easily ask my mum to do the childcare for the day but I’m trying to make an effort for the DCs to get to know both sets of grandparents. Even if IABU to get annoyed at his ‘don’t care’ comment I do think that he should have some sort of responsibility in terms of building a relationship between the DCs and his parents.

I feel like I get it OP. On a day when you will both be working, unusual childcare needs to be sorted. However, you are doing all the arranging of that, all the worrying about whether it will actually work due to your MIL not having spent that much time with DC. And then DH says he doesn't care, making you feel alone in this, and that you are doing all the work and worry just to enable you both to attend work that day.

When my children were similar ages, I did irregular freelance work while DH had regular work. Once I had the freelance contract, I would then arrange the specific childcare - often my mum or MIL or my dad. Lots of diplomacy and pre-planning. I can remember frustration and exhaustion that all this extra work fell on me not DH - that just organising to get into a position to earn some money, was so much hard work - and why was it just MY work?

My sister does a very OTT form of attachment parenting, but even she had to cave in when the best nanny ever could only give her a couple of settling in hours before starting independent care of her three children. The nanny is great, and she admits she was just anxious about going back. I think your MIL will be okay and your baby is likely to behave how they normally would. If they are screamy and clingy, they will probably do that, and if they are happy and calm, they will probably be that. Try to let her see how it goes.

This encapsulates it far better than I have managed to!

He has said that he said it because he feels like I wouldn’t listen to anything that he says about his mum.

He's told you why he doesn't care.. you're going to do what you want to do anyway, so what's the point.

I doubt it's because he actually doesn't care, it's because whatever his opinion is it won't make a difference to what actually happens and if the conversations about his mum, as on here, normally devolve into a moan about her general lack of effort (which he has absolutely no control over) I'm not surprised he doesn't want to get drawn into a discussion/potential argument/mum bashing session about it.

He's sounds tactless about it it, and I can see why you're annoyed, but I can see why he's backing away slowly from it, nothing he says will make a difference to what you end up doing surely?

This won't work for regular childcare I guarantee. You need to find this elsewhere

I cannot believe you have never left your DP to look after his own child(ren) for a day. What about going off for the day yourself for a break or just to give him the chance to build a relationship with his children without you hovering? You really do need to let go. I think he is coming more so from the angle that you're the one in charge. You say you try to involve him in decision making, but do you? Or do you "steer" him towards the decisions you've already made?
It can be very disheartening to feel like your opinion isn't valid. You don't speak very highly of him. Are you sure you don't project this attitude on to him? The fact that he seems resigned to not caring makes me wonder.
Just something for you to consider.

@TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre There has never been a reason to leave them with him for a day? I’ve left them for evenings, just had no plans during the day that don’t involve him or them. Baby is EBF so wouldn’t have wanted to in first six months and in the two months since then there just hasn’t been a reason. Nothing to do with letting go or hovering, just hasn’t come up. He is more than welcome to build a relationship with them (and does have a great relationship with them!) He doesn’t have an issue with me not having left them with him for the day (he is always welcome to book the day off if he wants too!) and neither do I, that’s not the point here at all.

@lavagal no it’s not for regular childcare, I am in the process of sorting that for when I return to work.

How far would she have to travel to visit? If she's going to have them one day a week, are you going to have to take them to hers and pick them up after work?

I'm sorry Flames, but I think it is the issue. You just don't see that yet! You have said you need to let go and are anxious about returning to work. You do the majority of the childminding/rearing at the moment because you are at home and because your baby is EBF. That means, logically, that your DP is doing less and deferring to you on these decisions because you're the one "in charge".

If you want him to be more involved you have to step back a little and allow that. It takes more than just asking him what he thinks!

I thought the same.

@TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre I will politely have to disagree. I have left the baby with my mum for hours. Our eldest DC regularly has sleepovers at my parents house. My DP is welcome to have them for the day if he wants… it’s just never come up because I’ve never had a reason to leave them for a whole day? He has them when I meet friends for lunch or coffee. He has them for two evenings a week while I’m out doing a hobby. It’s not as if I don’t leave them. Oldest DC is in pre school, and as much as I’m dreading baby going to nursery I know I will be fine once they’re there. I think most parents don’t relish going back to work / putting DCs into childcare, that is fairly normal I think. What I resent is being the one that has to facilitate a relationship between DCs and grandparents on my DH’s side and being the one who has to plan for childcare arrangements while I work.

I hope it's clear that if one of the children is sick it's him who takes time off to care for them? You say it's a joint effort raising the dc but it seems he's checked out already. Maybe you need to stop doing everything once mat leave is over.

This will explain why he sees it as up to you to sort out, its not really fair, but shouldn't really be surprising.

Me and DH work opposite shifts, whoever is in charge of our DD arranges childcare to cover when they need it, it a fairer system rather than one person having to do all the running around, but if he's never left in charge of the kids he wouldn't see it as his responsibility.

To be honest my best advice would be to let DH have some responsibilities for the children, you're already naffed off about carrying all the mental load, you already are the default parent, you should be able to walk out that door whenever you want to and know that he can take care of the children on his own without any guidance from you, do you think you can do that at the minute?

30 mins… apparently this is too far to visit. I have no issue with dropping them there for childcare (she would after all be doing us a favour) but it does drive me mad that she refuses to visit us because she says it’s too far to drive when she drives further than that to work most days. That isn’t specific to me though, it infuriates DH too, it’s been an ongoing bone of contention with the in laws since we moved away from their village.

When my kids went to childcare they went in for a few hours before they did a whole day. Unless there is a backstory to your m'n'law's babysitting abilities (or not) I can see why a full day could be stressful for her...but I think you need to explore what you think may go wrong.

@sandyhappypeople he does look after DC! He’s just never had them for a whole day because there has never been any need. I have regularly spoken to him around trying to divide things more equally but he just genuinely doesn’t see so much of what needs doing with kids (meal planning, clothes sorting etc). that doesn’t mean he’s not capable of looking after them and sorry if I gave that impression!

@Ohnoooooooo I don’t think anything would go majorly wrong but it would be nice if she’d get to know them a little bit beforehand. I find having the two of them for a whole day hard work and I’m used to it and know them!

I wonder if you wd have been so annoyed if he'd said "I don't mind'? Some people just don't see the difference between that and "I don't care'.

@Gagagardener Someone else suggested that and you’re 100% right, I think that would have been fine.

Sounds like she's just being lazy and would rather have you do all the travelling with two children 🙄 maybe get your DH to have a word and say it would be a lot easier on the children if she made the effort to come to you at least half the time!

You need to tell your husband how his comment made you feel and make him understand that all aspects of parenting and responsibilities need to be shared.