To be raging at ‘I don’t care’ comment re: childcare

[Flames99]

Ok so I’m pretty sure IANBU but just wanted to check / rant.

Currently on maternity leave with baby #2 and starting to think about returning to work so planning in some KIT days.

MIL has kindly offered to have the kids one day. While I 100% appreciate the offer of help and want to take her up on it, I’m concerned about the fact she doesn’t really know either DC. She’s seen the baby about 10 times, almost every occasion only because I’ve taken them to her.

I’m planning on doing a 9-5 KIT day which will be the longest I’ve left both kids. MIL has offered to have them which is great, but I have said I would like her to get to know them a bit better slightly first. For further context my eldest was a lockdown baby and is very shy around new people (no idea if that’s lockdown related or not). I just feel like it’s a long time for her to have them when she’s not even spent a couple of hours alone with them before.

I suggested to DP she come over beforehand while I’m here to get to know them better.

To which his response was ‘I don’t care’

I am FUMING

For me it’s not about the issue of who is having the kids or when, it’s the fact that sorting childcare is something that he quite literally apparently doesn’t care about.

Not that it should matter but I’m the breadwinner so it’s not even as if he’s thinking my job is just a bit of pocket money or whatever. Obviously I’ve not said that to him but after his response I really feel like it.

He has said that he said it because he feels like I wouldn’t listen to anything that he says about his mum. But for me it’s not personal about his mum, I would feel the same about anyone who hasn’t built a relationship with the DC suddenly looking after them both for such a long day - I find it hard work and I’m their mum.

The continuing point I make about his mum is that she hasn’t once come over to see me while on maternity leave, it has always been me taking the kids over to her.

This has just really, really enraged me tonight and I don’t know where to go from here.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I just can’t believe he said he didn’t care. Questioning everything right now.

I’ve sorted childcare on both occasions when going back to work, my fiancé gives me an ‘it’s up to you’. Doesn’t bother me, it’s more of a ‘I know you’ll do what’s best and I’ll only get involved if you need me to’. I wouldn’t take your husbands comment as anything other than a badly worded version of this

Kids being looked after by others is something they need to get used to, not sure them needing to get to know them is essential. Meeting new people and gaining social skills is a part of life

Is it necessary to have a getting to know you meeting as precursor to a getting to know you day?

I don’t think I would care about that either tbh.

It sounds like a man who’s tired of his wife’s neuroticising.

If you’re the one carrying the mental load the onus will be on you to rebalance that as he ain’t gonna.

@Flames99 I’m really glad to see that the majority of people have voted that YANBU. I really feel for you. Arranging childcare should not just fall to you, even if it’s to cover your KIT day. You work to provide income for the household, it’s not like you’re arranging a night out. Your partner sounds passive, in this conversation at least, and if he’s not pulling his weight when it comes to childcare but expecting you to do a full-time job as well then I can understand why that’s frustrating. I can also see why you’re reluctant to leave the kids with your MIL if she’s not made the effort to see you. Being at home with a newborn and a toddler is hard and unless it’s a long drive or she has mobility issues then it seems odd she’s not made the effort and I can see why both you and your partner resent that. My parents are similar but I’m trying to let them know what I need now and take up any offers of help they give. Feels a bit alien when you’ve got used to them not doing anything - you doubt that they can actually follow through/will the kids be comfortable around them if they’re not used to them/ will they know how to do the routine stuff etc - but you’ve got to break the back of the problem somehow and perhaps this is your MIL’s way of making up for things. It also sounds like your partner hasn’t brought up his frustrations with your MIL and it doesn’t seem fair that his failure to do that impacts you.
You’ve been really good to take on some of the feedback here and responded so kindly to some of the more blunt and unnecessarily judgemental (and sometimes plain rude and unkind) comments. You’re doing an awesome job and I’m sorry that you’re carrying the mental load at home. Sounds like you’ve already reached this conclusion but don’t let the resentment build up in your relationship over this. You guys clearly need to chat about the imbalance and start figuring out how to readdress it. Hopefully a lot of it is a lack of confidence and perhaps a sort of passive laziness on your partner’s side rather than anything worse (sounds like it from what you’ve said). Starting that conversation shouldn’t be another thing to fall to you but I guess you’ve got to start somewhere. And as well as the convos, leave him to make lunch for both kids, sort meal plans, book childcare for your next KIT days, pack bags for day trips etc. Practical stuff that will help to start evening things out. Good luck!

Hmm it sounds like he is saying this to avoid an argument rather than start one - are you going to listen to his opinion if you ask him? And you know what your MIL has had kids - she’ll be fine she’ll get to know them quick enough and as long as they are safe does it matter if there are a few teething troubles - I think just chill out, ignore what husband said, be very grateful to MIL and crack on!

Yet most mothers put their child in daycare with staff who are complete strangers 🤷‍♀️

Well I would stop trying to arrange contact between them and mil from now on. She's not your Mother so why are you putting yourself through that? You might want her to be close to the kids but that's not within your control really. I'd definitely cancel this baby sitting date. You don't feel comfortable about it and neither your husband or his Mother are giving you any support so bin it off. You want to be relaxed on your kit day. I say give them to your Mum or tell your husband he has to look after them. He can phone in sick. Make it his business to sort it out. Then I think general discussions about the load are in order. With lunches I think dropping him in the deep end might be the only way he'll learn.

Your mil is not your responsibility. Personally I'd stop going to visit her but maybe that's just me. It's her choice if she won't visit. She's missing out.

I don't think he means that he cares not for the care of his children but rather that any way will be fine; he trusts you and his mother to work it out.
You have instigated the the trial day so he doesn't want to rock the boat.

I do think that it is too much for any one person to look after your children for that length of time and have them all happy and cheerful at the end of the day.
They will be well cared for but would MIL enjoy the day more if she could bring a friend or FIL for part of the day?

She won't know how tired she will be after a few hours. She will possibly need a tea and lavvy break.

It is a great idea for her to spend a few hours with you. That will be nice.

Remember to emphasise only the things that really matter to you because she won't be able to focus on everything AND the children.

Invite PIL over for a specific time and meal.

It sometimes feels invasive to just pop in on a young busy family even though you might often ask them to pop in.

I reckon you're hard work hence the I don't care comment

He means ‘yes sure whatever I’m tired’ it was ill considered use of vocabulary. My DP does this a lot and I have learnt to snarl but not blow it up.
like what do you want for lunch. I don’t care. Fine don’t eat.
it was insensitive but you are just going to have to organise yourself and tell MIL what a dick he was if it makes you feel better. Tell her how much you care and how important this is. And thank her for supporting you. The kids will be fine. This is probably much more about you than them. Been there. It’s not easy but it will be ok 🥰

Agree both your children