To be raging at ‘I don’t care’ comment re: childcare

[Flames99]

Ok so I’m pretty sure IANBU but just wanted to check / rant.

Currently on maternity leave with baby #2 and starting to think about returning to work so planning in some KIT days.

MIL has kindly offered to have the kids one day. While I 100% appreciate the offer of help and want to take her up on it, I’m concerned about the fact she doesn’t really know either DC. She’s seen the baby about 10 times, almost every occasion only because I’ve taken them to her.

I’m planning on doing a 9-5 KIT day which will be the longest I’ve left both kids. MIL has offered to have them which is great, but I have said I would like her to get to know them a bit better slightly first. For further context my eldest was a lockdown baby and is very shy around new people (no idea if that’s lockdown related or not). I just feel like it’s a long time for her to have them when she’s not even spent a couple of hours alone with them before.

I suggested to DP she come over beforehand while I’m here to get to know them better.

To which his response was ‘I don’t care’

I am FUMING

For me it’s not about the issue of who is having the kids or when, it’s the fact that sorting childcare is something that he quite literally apparently doesn’t care about.

Not that it should matter but I’m the breadwinner so it’s not even as if he’s thinking my job is just a bit of pocket money or whatever. Obviously I’ve not said that to him but after his response I really feel like it.

He has said that he said it because he feels like I wouldn’t listen to anything that he says about his mum. But for me it’s not personal about his mum, I would feel the same about anyone who hasn’t built a relationship with the DC suddenly looking after them both for such a long day - I find it hard work and I’m their mum.

The continuing point I make about his mum is that she hasn’t once come over to see me while on maternity leave, it has always been me taking the kids over to her.

This has just really, really enraged me tonight and I don’t know where to go from here.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I just can’t believe he said he didn’t care. Questioning everything right now.

@TheBayLady Nursery will have settling in sessions and have asked details about his routine etc. But I am also dreading the baby starting, I know they will be fine but it doesn’t make it any easier or heartbreaking for me. I have offered MIL plenty of times to see the DCs and if you read my previous posts you’ll see the only reason she has any form of relationship with them is because I take them to hers, as she refuses to visit us.

When my OH says i domt care. He means i dont mind, this thing is too overwhleming/stressful and he sees a minefield. Usually also to do with his mum.

It doesnt mean he doesnt care but i have to remind him that it might need him to get imvolved as its making me feel the same way. He usually thinks i find things easier and presumes its not stressing me.

As soon as i say it is he steps up. Talk to him about it and focus on the feelings x

I said YANBU because it would have pissed me off too & my instinct would be that he actually didn’t care about me & the kids.

taking a step back I agree he probably didn’t want to get caught up between you & his Mum & on the spot worded that terribly as opposed to actually not caring.

with MIL looking after the kids, take up her offer. She might realise what she’s been missing out on & be more present afterwards. You’ve said you don’t have any safety concerns & she must have brought up DP, so worst case is your eldest will be a bit reserved since he’s only met her a few times.

My youngest goes to 2 separate settings over 5 days of the week (20mo)

She didn’t get to know any of the people at either setting that would be looking after her first. Let MIL in.

grandma probably feels unwelcome and micromanaged. She has offered to help you. Husband sounds like he doesn’t want the drama and is happy for his mother to help out but feels you are going to be making drama where it’s not needed. I think you should relax. Be appreciative of the help on offer and say a big thank you. I dont even think you need a trial run. Grandma has brought up at least one child already and you like that one. Let her spend time on her own and that’s how she can bond with the children.

I think you sound worried and exhausted and juggling a huge lot of responsibilities, and can totally forgive yourself for losing your shit here.

DH's comment was thoughtless. It's all very well him getting frustrated with his mum and moaning to you about her, but if he keeps failing to actually do anything helpful about it, that's just futile and irritating for you.

Could you take the opportunity of returning to work to lay some new ground rules with him for sharing the mental and physical loads of parenting? Eg. planning and preparing lunches are his job now.

This is the opportunity for her to get to know your kids. She doesn't need to get to know them beforehand. She's probably trying to be respectful of boundaries but not tipping up at your home all the time.

Not sure what your job is but I didn’t take any KIT days - wanted my head out of work.
he doesn’t care because men don’t really care about childcare they expect us to sort it! That said she’s the grandmother it will be fine she can get to know the baby whilst living looking after it.

I know it’s alien to some Mumsnetters that others do actually want to be with their baby all day.

Nice passive aggression 😉
It's not about wanting or not to be with your baby all day. It is about not wanting to let go and then complaining that others aren't doing enough.. when you've always done everything.

You know your mother your entire life. That's why you trust her more. I know I would be much more comfortable leaving my children with my side of the family rather than my in-laws! I'm sure most people, especially mothers feel like that.

I'm not having a go @Flames99 but I am trying to offer you the wisdom of my experience. I am further along the parenting path than you (my eldest is now 18) and I have made all the mistakes you are making! I took control of pretty much everything even when DH was willing and able. After our 3rd baby and me exclusively making all the decisions I had a melt down where I told him it was unfair that I was doing everything. He was completely baffled at the fact I thought there was a problem, because for so long I took charge. I did the work. I made the decisions etc. Yes, he should have and could have done more. But realistically I pushed him out, and then got annoyed when he stayed out!

Let go the control. Trust others to be able to adequately care for your baby. They might not do it exactly as you do. But that doesn't mean it's wrong.

My parents, or in-laws, very rarely drive to visit us. We go to visit them instead. I never thought it had to be a reciprocated arrangement.

Sounds like a lovely opportunity for MIL to build a bond, and kind of her to offer. I’m sure it will go better than you imagine & your DCs learning that they can be soothed by others is a really important step, especially as you seem to have childcare plans for the near future.
But yes I’d be pissed at DH. Could it just have been a flippant remark? Is he particularly stressed at the moment?

Use what’s left of your maternity leave for your husband to learn what it takes to look after the children. If he takes them to the park, don’t pack the baby bag for him, don’t remind him to take a drink or a snack, let him work it out. The children will survive and will let him know in no uncertain terms if he’s not up to scratch.
Your husband has become rather slack; it’s lovely having a personal assistant, but you didn’t sign up for that.

Sounds like MIL doing childcare for you is just a bad idea all together , avoid

Sounds to me like he just doesn't want to get involved in an argument between you and MIL. What he is probably thinking is that MIL doesn't need any more time with the kids before having them for a day but he doesn't want to deal with you going off on one about it.
Will your children go to nursery and school? They aren't going to have more than a few hours with staff there before starting.

You sound like you are blowing this up out of proportion and he has simply had enough and doesn’t care any more. He probably doesn’t think it’s nearly as big a deal as you do. On the other hand he could have lied to you about it and pretended to care.

To be honest I got a bit bored with it reading through your post. Talk about over analysing a situation.

When you ask her to visit you and she refuses what are her reasons ?

If you took them to a day nursery they wouldn't know the staff.

I don't think you're being unreasonable AT ALL.

What he's basically saying is that it's your problem to sort out because he can't be fucked and as it's not going to get in the way of his job he doesn't feel the need to even worry his little mind about it

I BET you do 100% of the mental load when it comes to the children and running the house

Presumable them being in childcare allows him to go to work too so actually he shoukd be giving a BIG shit about it and caring a lot.

This would really piss me off that much I'd be tempted to leave it and just say to him to sort the childcare and just wqlk out the day you need to go to work

He'd soon care if his job was on the line over it

Or maybe with yo saying he doesn't drive it sounds like he actually doesn't care and is letting you do the lions share if everything all the time

I interpret the “I don’t care” to really mean ‘I don’t share the same anxieties as you about my mum looking after the children for a day so you do whatever you feel you need to do’. Surely this just needs a conversation to clarify what he meant? If you’re right, and he does not care about childcare arrangements, then YANBU. If he meant something else, perhaps what I have suggested, then I do think you have overreacted and YABU.

I don't understand why people are saying that it's about trust, surely it's more about worrying the kids will be miserable and miss their mum if they're with someone they don't know very well, not that you don't trust her? I sympathise because I'd feel the same leaving them for a whole day in those circumstances, it is different to an hour or 2. And I don't understand people saying that kids don't know the staff at nursery before spending a day with them, our nursery offered 2 weeks of settling in visits, building up from an hour at a time and a home visit before DD did her first full day so there was that continuity of contact. I totally understand why you're stressed, but the kids will be fine and hope it's a nice break for you when you're there.

He’s giving you the option to decide what you want here, what will be the childcare arrangements when you go back full time? Who would you feel most comfortable your kids being with? Did you want him to take time off for the KIT days so you can concentrate on the job for those days and then sort out long term childcare later on? To me that is reasonable but you need to tell him. If you think you would like to take up MIL offer in future but don’t want the stress of worrying about it on first day back, tell him to take time off and spend it with kids and MIL to see how it goes.

IME it's very hard for a baby or toddler to "get to know" someone when their preferred parent is around. So to be honest I'm not sure what you're gaining by this because the children will want to be with you and she'll be sat there observing.
Not sure what your DH is saying but I'd guess he just doesn't want to get involved in.mum /wife drama and that was his way of saying he doesn't really think your approach is necessary.
Think of it a bit differently, you've got someone who's willing to mind the kids that is flexible to help on a KIT day and has made a kind offer. Maybe just give it a try for a day (what's the worst that can happen?) And make sure she knows to call your DH if any problems !

When he said ‘I don’t care’ did he really mean ‘I don’t mind’. Or — forgive me — were you rambling on at him about pros and cons for longer than necessary (I know I do this so it’s not a dig at you) and he thought you were overthinking?
One of my DH’s less attractive traits is a dislike of talking through all the options. He just wants a decision to be made, and on occasion has told me ‘I don’t care’, meaning, ‘we’ve decided what we’re going to do, so there is no need to rehash the reasons behind our decision.’
Given the length of your post, that may be a possibility?

OP

If this were me I would drop all responsibilities for organising childcare and leave it to my partner/husband.

It's not just your work that means childcare is necessary - he works too.

In relationships where the woman earned less I would imagine this would be used as the reason why they organise childcare.

However regardless of how much each earns you are doing too much.

Let your husband see how hard it is.

You may disagree with me here, but I see when a parent is on mat/pat leave as all the childcare organising being their responsibility.

Me and DH split parental leave 50/50, six months each. When I did KIT days on mat leave I organised ALL the childcare. When he took over and organised settling in for nursery he did ALL of it, I wasn't involved. I saw it as part of being on parental leave sorting the childcare, so his domain at that point.

I suspect your DH isn't an equal partner in other ways, so maybe this is only one part of the issue, and maybe it was more his attitude to you bringing it up. But I don't see an issue in you solely sorting childcare while you're on mat leave per say