To be raging at ‘I don’t care’ comment re: childcare

[Flames99]

Ok so I’m pretty sure IANBU but just wanted to check / rant.

Currently on maternity leave with baby #2 and starting to think about returning to work so planning in some KIT days.

MIL has kindly offered to have the kids one day. While I 100% appreciate the offer of help and want to take her up on it, I’m concerned about the fact she doesn’t really know either DC. She’s seen the baby about 10 times, almost every occasion only because I’ve taken them to her.

I’m planning on doing a 9-5 KIT day which will be the longest I’ve left both kids. MIL has offered to have them which is great, but I have said I would like her to get to know them a bit better slightly first. For further context my eldest was a lockdown baby and is very shy around new people (no idea if that’s lockdown related or not). I just feel like it’s a long time for her to have them when she’s not even spent a couple of hours alone with them before.

I suggested to DP she come over beforehand while I’m here to get to know them better.

To which his response was ‘I don’t care’

I am FUMING

For me it’s not about the issue of who is having the kids or when, it’s the fact that sorting childcare is something that he quite literally apparently doesn’t care about.

Not that it should matter but I’m the breadwinner so it’s not even as if he’s thinking my job is just a bit of pocket money or whatever. Obviously I’ve not said that to him but after his response I really feel like it.

He has said that he said it because he feels like I wouldn’t listen to anything that he says about his mum. But for me it’s not personal about his mum, I would feel the same about anyone who hasn’t built a relationship with the DC suddenly looking after them both for such a long day - I find it hard work and I’m their mum.

The continuing point I make about his mum is that she hasn’t once come over to see me while on maternity leave, it has always been me taking the kids over to her.

This has just really, really enraged me tonight and I don’t know where to go from here.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I just can’t believe he said he didn’t care. Questioning everything right now.

OP, I have read all your posts. I am going to tell you now, firmly, what I wish someone had told me: you will just get more and more resentful if the entire mental load of childrearing - including childcare, nutrition, friendships, school etc are left to you. The complexities of this specific situation aside, the core issue here is that you and your DP have fallen into a trap in which YOU are the responsible one for the children, even when you are working. You are the default parent.

My DH is great, does plenty, steps up etc. But I'd sy that most likely the thing that has caused us themes stress over the years has been this exact issue. And because it was so entrenched for so long, it has been really hard to break it, for both of us.

Few examples that you will find quickly happening:

School: you will be the one doing the research, the thinking, setting up viewings etc. Also applications and so on. And Ince they start, you will be default parent for uniform, world book day, random requests, pick up etc.
Working: If you have to work late, you will organise childcare/check in with him to sort. If he has to work late, there will be a default assumption that you will still be the one to organise this (eg he'll ring YOU to tell you he's running late, and you will then have to rearrange things/your work/find emergency childcare).
Socialising - as above. If you want to go out, you'll sort it. If he does, he'll just ask you if it's okay and you will then bend yourself into a pretzel shape to make sure it works.

Nip it in the bud now. My best advice is by splitting responsibilities clearly - whether that's by day, by type of responsibility etc. and then making it very clear that if he cannot do whatever he is responsible for, that HE has to find a solution and implement it.

I think you have more of a DH problem than a MIL issue. Is she open to coming over and doing a half day to start before your kIT day? If she lives a distance away it might be tricky for her to visit so maybe that's why she doesn't come. Many older people don't like to intrude so maybe that's why she hasn't come over to you.

Your DH needs to convince you he does care about childcare. What else doesn't he care about? Is he an involved father?

I took this as he said ' either way is fine with him' like I don't care if you take them without getting mil to come over first or if you want her to come over first.
I don't have a preference, was what I thought he meant.

I really don't thi k he meant I don't care about your career? Bit of a stretch

I know I would be petty if this was me and get up early and leave the house.

He would care then when he had to sort child care.

To add to my level of pettiness when he phoned me saying what am I going to do, I’d say I tried to sort it with you but you said you didn’t care, now it’s your problem and I don’t care.

Although I think the right and mature thing to do would be to sit down and talk about how he’s made you feel. As a previous poster has said it might be a case of not wanting to get caught up between you and his mum.

Good luck.

Couple of reasons she won't come to you.
1 She is punishing you both for moving away.
2 She doesn't like driving, has to do it for her work but wants a break from it when she's not working.
3 She's not that bothered.

If your DH cba to make the connection with her why are you busting a gut? Do what's easiest for you.
You don't need to use this one day as a way to fix your mil problem.

I think your DH should take the day off as it's first day without Mum it's shouldn't be first day without a parent. And keep them at or near home, and encourage MIL to visit.

For the second KIT day he should take the day off again but this time go to MILs and stay there with her and the kids

For the third and onwards he can work but needs to get the kids to MILs so you can concentrate on getting yourself to work in the right headspace. And to be the point of contact with MIL regarding any childcare going forward.

Exactly how I thought.

Your partners response is ridiculous. To me it reads as 'not my problem to care about'

However, what I have found with my own mother in law is the children are different with her alone than when I'm there. I have learnt to trust her and so I'd suggest this isn't that big of an issue and I wouldn't be trying to organise 'familiarisation session'. If anything, the KIT days will be an introduction to her anyway for when you return to work.

It's likely that the children and the way the day flows won't be the same when you are there vs when she's alone with them. So it might well be redundant anyway.

I'd just give her the KIT day dates, if she then wants to spend time with you to see your routine etc that's up to her.

I can’t believe he doesn’t even drive. Does he leave everything to you. I couldn’t cope with that.
Men now expect women to go to work as well as carry the mental load. This is equality

Prioritising the child's emotional wellbeing is more likely to be done by mothers than fathers or grandparents due to them most likely being the primary caregiver. It is frustrating that they don't see it from your (or DC) perspective but not necessarily surprising. Also, it is harder for you because she's not your mum whereas he would presumably be more comfortable with her looking after them as she is his mum and potentially less concerned about her doing a good job as a result. Could you take them to her house to reassure you a bit more on their routine.

YABU. Why haven’t you made sure she got to build a relationship for a start? Secondly from what he’s said I’m making an assumption you rule the roost and aren’t always very complimentary towards his mum. He’s learnt there’s no point arguing with you.

If you don’t give her time with them she’ll never build that relationship, which is really sad for the kids. I spent days on end with my grandparents as a kid and my DD does the same.

It’s one day. She had raised children before. She’s their grandparent and she presumably loves them. Sounds like she’s offered in the hopes that you might actually let them out of your sight for a bit.

You people, using grandparents but calling them at the same time. Get over yourself.

Is this about your MIL or about you? Aftrr a full day with them she will be well on her way to getting to know them better as they will her. Just do it. Sort out your differences with DH at a later date...but soon.

To me it sounds like there has been words between the both of you before about this and that you are pretty adamant about what goes. He may feel that his thoughts on this are not given any regard.

I wouldn't have any qualms about my own mother looking after my children. I assume your hubby feels the same about his mum, so perhaps that why he doesn't care.

Stop fussing about this. Your mil has offered to look after them. There isn't any facilitating and sorting. Stop making a meal of it.

ive read through your updates and all the comments and I’m surprised more people aren’t on your side! I 100% get where you’re coming from. I would be so irritated if my husband said he didn’t care about something as Important as childcare for our DC.

Even if he truly doesn’t care (odd), he should care because you care, and because as you have said and so many women say they do all the organising, sorting out child care you have been the one to take the kids to HIS mum because it’s important to you the kids have a good relationship with Granny.

I don’t know your circumstances but I think you may be about to fall into the trap of carrying that great big mothers load (as well as work etc!), and he SHOULD care to relieve you of that.

Ive seen more than one post on this thread (and many more) that has said ‘men don’t really care in the same way we do!’ This kind of statement irks me as I think we allow men to be too passive sometimes.

I think you need a conversation about childcare and other responsibilities now before you go back to work otherwise you will be working, worrying and running around like a blue horse fly!

chin up OP I think you sound like a fab Mum

I genuinely don’t understand why you are bothered.

Genuinely do not understand how people plan to pop out another baby and still haven't had a discussion about HOW and WHO is going to care for them.

Utterly bonkers.

I'ts totally negligent and on BOTH OF YOU that this should have all been discussed before even conceiving - surely!

For context, DS did 2 x 1 hr settling sessions at nursery then 2 mornings then started going 3 days a week.

DD had the childminder visit here for 30 mins in the garden (it was a few weeks after covid restrictions were lifted) then did 3 x 2 hr settling sessions with her before starting 3 days a week.

I thinks that pretty standard for most professional care environments. I’d say your MiL has probably had more contact than that?

As for DH, yes he shouldn’t say ‘I don’t care’, he should back you up. However, I’m also the breadwinner but I also organised all the childcare. The ‘mental load’ aspect is still very unbalanced for most of the women I know.

YANBU, but maybe MIL isn’t either. It’s possible DH is, depending on what he meant by not caring, and whether he is willing to engage in a discussion about it.
I have no DGC as yet, but I’m closer to that part of the spectrum than where you are at present. I absolutely know that I will be awkward and clumsy with the DGC when I’m given the great blessing of being allowed to look after them (if that does happen). I will need to get to know them, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do that while the parents are watching me. It is the result of a keen desire to not force myself on a budding family that I would hesitate to put myself forward with DGC (not yet in existence!!!) Maybe MIL is like that, and has been hesitant about butting in. She may surprise you! Good luck with your next step- and trust your instincts that YANBU!!

If you want her to look after the kids and it’s such a big deal that she hasn’t spent enough time with them by your standards, then take them to her.

MIL didn’t come over to the house once I was home from the hospital - I didn’t want anyone over tbh. My own Mum was suffering with dementia, and I had her over quite a lot, as I knew time for her to know my baby was short. She was never well enough to baby sit. So honestly…. stop making a drama and be grateful you have someone offering to support your decision to go back to work. Get it out of your head that she owes you a visit or that you are entitled to your MIL having a relationship with her grandchildren on your terms.

I have and will continue to foster a good relationship between my MIL and children. She has baby sat for them since they were tiny, and not once at our house - I always take them to her. It’s never occurred to me that it should be any other way.

Of course this is going to upset you, you're balancing a LOT and probably spinning multiple plates at the same time as a mum of two trying to get back to work. 'I don't care' as a response is so apathetic to someone who clearly puts a lot of thought and care into her decision making, and to making it right for the children.

I think he is just avoiding the line of potential fire. Any 0000000.1 chance of an issue turning into some kind of criticism between spouses and in laws make me run for the hills. It is so classic and worst if there are several siblings each with a spouse. Most every row in my family is caused by the add-ons!

I think it sounds like you are stressed about a lot of things and the stress is getting into this too. My husband gets a bit like this about childcare ‘I don’t mind’ ‘whatever you want’ ‘it’ll be fine’ which annoys me too sometimes but I think the main reason he does it is that he knows I’m stressing, and in a weird way is trying to calm me down by being a voice of reason like, you don’t need to worry so much, everything will turn out ok.. etc. but it does come across like he doesn’t care and is making it all my problem! But if he got involved and starting making decisions or taking over, I’d just stress about that too!

any of that sound familiar?