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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging at ‘I don’t care’ comment re: childcare

211 replies

Flames99 · 06/02/2024 20:33

Ok so I’m pretty sure IANBU but just wanted to check / rant.

Currently on maternity leave with baby #2 and starting to think about returning to work so planning in some KIT days.

MIL has kindly offered to have the kids one day. While I 100% appreciate the offer of help and want to take her up on it, I’m concerned about the fact she doesn’t really know either DC. She’s seen the baby about 10 times, almost every occasion only because I’ve taken them to her.

I’m planning on doing a 9-5 KIT day which will be the longest I’ve left both kids. MIL has offered to have them which is great, but I have said I would like her to get to know them a bit better slightly first. For further context my eldest was a lockdown baby and is very shy around new people (no idea if that’s lockdown related or not). I just feel like it’s a long time for her to have them when she’s not even spent a couple of hours alone with them before.

I suggested to DP she come over beforehand while I’m here to get to know them better.

To which his response was ‘I don’t care’

I am FUMING

For me it’s not about the issue of who is having the kids or when, it’s the fact that sorting childcare is something that he quite literally apparently doesn’t care about.

Not that it should matter but I’m the breadwinner so it’s not even as if he’s thinking my job is just a bit of pocket money or whatever. Obviously I’ve not said that to him but after his response I really feel like it.

He has said that he said it because he feels like I wouldn’t listen to anything that he says about his mum. But for me it’s not personal about his mum, I would feel the same about anyone who hasn’t built a relationship with the DC suddenly looking after them both for such a long day - I find it hard work and I’m their mum.

The continuing point I make about his mum is that she hasn’t once come over to see me while on maternity leave, it has always been me taking the kids over to her.

This has just really, really enraged me tonight and I don’t know where to go from here.

AIBU to be so annoyed? I just can’t believe he said he didn’t care. Questioning everything right now.

OP posts:
doilooklikeicare · 06/02/2024 20:59

Thementalloadisreal · 06/02/2024 20:37

Offer to quit your job and stay at home to care for the children. He might start caring then.

Why would OP do that?

soupfiend · 06/02/2024 21:00

minipie · 06/02/2024 20:36

I may be projecting here

But I’m wondering if this isn’t so much him saying “not my problem”

more him saying “this has the potential to blow up into an argument between wife and mum and I don’t want to get involved”

Absolutely this

Theres something underlying this where it sounds as if he is exasperated at prevoius conversations going round and round perhaps about what his mum should have said, shouldnt have said, should have done, shouldnt have done, she donsnt know them, I had to take them to her, etc etc

So he says he doesnt care because it wont make a difference if he does care.

Windydaysandwetnights · 06/02/2024 21:01

Will you be dropping dc at her home and picking up of%r will their df actually help?

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:01

TheSnowyOwl · 06/02/2024 20:57

You do realise that any nursery would spend far less time with your child before they are left there, don’t you? And often at nursery the workers don’t have their own children whereas your MIL clearly has brought up a child/ren?

I agree that your DH is saying he doesn’t want to get involved in this argument. I also suspect that your MIL looking after the children is never going to work out for you because you are too busy micromanaging her.

It’s not about micromanaging at all. I do resent that she’s had eight months to visit her grandkids and hasn’t done so once apart from the week we were just out of hospital. Do I trust her to look after them? Yes. Do I feel entirely comfortable with it? No. But the main thing is I’m annoyed that DH doesn’t seem to care about childcare arrangements.

OP posts:
MCOut · 06/02/2024 21:02

I don’t think there’s enough information to say actually. On the surface, it doesn’t seem like you are being unreasonable to be upset by this. However, if it is the case that he feels that you have a habit of throwing up, barriers where his mother is concerned or you dismiss his opinions on a regular basis, then perhaps rather than him being unreasonable it’s a problem for you to solve.

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:02

Windydaysandwetnights · 06/02/2024 21:01

Will you be dropping dc at her home and picking up of%r will their df actually help?

DH doesn’t drive so no it’s on me. As will be the preparing their food for the day etc.

OP posts:
cansu · 06/02/2024 21:03

Maybe you need to get him to do more of the visits then. He can take them over more so they can get more used to her.

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:04

MCOut · 06/02/2024 21:02

I don’t think there’s enough information to say actually. On the surface, it doesn’t seem like you are being unreasonable to be upset by this. However, if it is the case that he feels that you have a habit of throwing up, barriers where his mother is concerned or you dismiss his opinions on a regular basis, then perhaps rather than him being unreasonable it’s a problem for you to solve.

I think there is probably some truth in this in that essentially it’s something that probably requires a reasoned discussion in more detail but instead we have both just argued over it, not helped by being chronically sleep deprived. Fully prepared to accept that IABU in parts, but also still annoyed that he ‘doesn’t care’ about childcare arrangements.

OP posts:
Windydaysandwetnights · 06/02/2024 21:05

Unless he has a medical reason not to drive he has it bloody cushy doesn't he?

rwalker · 06/02/2024 21:05

Treading carefully your MIL and kids do know each other you take them to see her

just let them crack in they’ll be fine

perhaps he thinks your looking for issues that aren’t there

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:06

soupfiend · 06/02/2024 21:00

Absolutely this

Theres something underlying this where it sounds as if he is exasperated at prevoius conversations going round and round perhaps about what his mum should have said, shouldnt have said, should have done, shouldnt have done, she donsnt know them, I had to take them to her, etc etc

So he says he doesnt care because it wont make a difference if he does care.

Show quote history

I disagree with this (not with you because you don’t know obviously the full context!) but he has regularly expressed his frustrations over his mum’s lack of willingness to put any effort in in forming a relationship with the DCs so it’s not as if it’s something we have disagreed on previously - in fact we’ve both been on the same page as each other with it but it’s only become an issue tonight.

OP posts:
minipie · 06/02/2024 21:06

The more you post, the more I am convinced he didn’t mean “I don’t care about childcare arrangements” and he actually meant “I just cba to argue about this any more”.

soupfiend · 06/02/2024 21:07

Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:01

It’s not about micromanaging at all. I do resent that she’s had eight months to visit her grandkids and hasn’t done so once apart from the week we were just out of hospital. Do I trust her to look after them? Yes. Do I feel entirely comfortable with it? No. But the main thing is I’m annoyed that DH doesn’t seem to care about childcare arrangements.

Show quote history

She has offered to care for them, you either want it, or dont want it. Mithering on about the past 8 months (which is a bit irrelevant, why dont you visit more often if she finds it a struggle to come too far) is pointless and probably led to him becoming exasperated

I can feel the intensity from you just on this thread so I can understand why he said it. Unhelpful yes, understandable yes.

Ribbonss · 06/02/2024 21:08

To be honest, I found out after kids my dh doesn’t really care about things like this. As long as the kids are being looked after by someone sensible he’s happy and won’t think twice. I’d be there over analysing everything and worrying. I think men don’t care in the way we do.

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:08

minipie · 06/02/2024 21:06

The more you post, the more I am convinced he didn’t mean “I don’t care about childcare arrangements” and he actually meant “I just cba to argue about this any more”.

You could be right and to be honest I hope it’s that! Like I’d rather it’s just that I’ve taken it the wrong way rather than him saying that he doesn’t actually care about it.

OP posts:
C00k · 06/02/2024 21:09

Just speak to the boyfriend/husband and find out if he actually meant he doesn’t care about his kids childcare, or whatever other dramas are going on?.

ScabbyHorse · 06/02/2024 21:10

He might not realise how that comment came across; maybe he meant he didn't mind either way. Although I agree it comes across badly. If you can, I would let her have them and try and step away from it emotionally somehow. Maybe he can be the one on call to her rather than you if anything does go wrong.

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:10

soupfiend · 06/02/2024 21:07

She has offered to care for them, you either want it, or dont want it. Mithering on about the past 8 months (which is a bit irrelevant, why dont you visit more often if she finds it a struggle to come too far) is pointless and probably led to him becoming exasperated

I can feel the intensity from you just on this thread so I can understand why he said it. Unhelpful yes, understandable yes.

Show quote history

Because she drives longer than this distance to work every day? Why should it be on me to make sure that the DC see her? Obviously I have taken them to see her but I think she could come here too.

My mum could have the kids no problem but I’m trying to make sure they build a relationship with MIL too, yet it feels like it’s only me that is trying to do that rather than DH which I think is where my frustration comes from.

OP posts:
soupfiend · 06/02/2024 21:10

Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:06

I disagree with this (not with you because you don’t know obviously the full context!) but he has regularly expressed his frustrations over his mum’s lack of willingness to put any effort in in forming a relationship with the DCs so it’s not as if it’s something we have disagreed on previously - in fact we’ve both been on the same page as each other with it but it’s only become an issue tonight.

Show quote history

Well perhaps hes also just fed up with it now and either she cares for them or not, no further discussion to be had

People do say things badly and wrong sometimes, its not the end of the world, people misjudge things or get annoyed and say things they dont mean.

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:12

C00k · 06/02/2024 21:09

Just speak to the boyfriend/husband and find out if he actually meant he doesn’t care about his kids childcare, or whatever other dramas are going on?.

I did and he said it’s my work so he doesn’t care BUT this was mid argument and we are both very sleep deprived and grouchy. Not trying to defend him now, this thread has just made me realise that maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion.

OP posts:
Alicewinn · 06/02/2024 21:12

Feels like a much deeper issue than this one related to partnership & making decisions jointly

soupfiend · 06/02/2024 21:14

Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:12

I did and he said it’s my work so he doesn’t care BUT this was mid argument and we are both very sleep deprived and grouchy. Not trying to defend him now, this thread has just made me realise that maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion.

Show quote history

I think its hard work when you're disappointed about something, the disappointment is probably more his than yours, its his mum afterall. Leading him to say, perhaps somewhat petulantly 'I dont care', he might mean he is fed up of discussion about his mum even if he does feel the same, fed up of the percpetion of effort you or you both have to take to build the relationship so he doesnt care if you build the relationship between her and the child, or just fed up and so 'I dont care'.

I would go to bed and start afresh tomorrow

Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:14

@Alicewinn I 100% carry some resentment for being the one constantly carrying the mental load in relation to the DC so I have no doubt that’s what has in part me to feel so annoyed. That’s why it’s actually helpful to be told by some that IABU so I can take a look at myself and think about why it is I got so annoyed when perhaps I shouldn’t have done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flames99 · 06/02/2024 21:15

@soupfiend good advice, thank you!

OP posts:
Windydaysandwetnights · 06/02/2024 21:15

Imo if it is easier /closer for dc to go to your dm's then do that. If dh wants mil to have them he can get them there.. Seems mil and dh want a fucking easy life and don't care if you have one or not.

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