Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

If you were worried about your safety, why on earth did you wander off alone in the first place?

It was busy, poor phone signal and you had different tolerances for crowds. It’s a shame they didn’t wait but you also put them in an awkward position - they had no idea where you were or how long you’d be. I’d try and put it down to a combination of bad luck really and try and let it go

The word "assumed" is where you went wrong. You assumed that, but they assumed you were OK on your own seeing as you'd gone off on your own.

I'd be willing to bet that had Google Maps worked you would've been absolutely fine with how things panned out and you'd have found your way back with no issue. Just bad luck (though if there was a big street celebration, dodgy mobile signal might have been expected - when I'm abroad and there's a possibility I might have to find my way around at night alone, I always try to take a paper map or at least scribble a route down by hand).

(In your position I'd have been fairly impatient with my wussy friends who talked about wanting to have fun but then chickened out of getting anywhere near the fun because of... crowds??? And I would have definitely gone ahead on my own!)

Yes this sums it up well.
I really wasn’t far from them at all. One end of a small street to the other. Without crowds literally a minutes walk! But crowds had definitely built up behind me and wouldn’t have been easy to get back out. We had messaged and I had let them know where I was.
Poor phone signal was an issue and I’m pretty sure by the time I got their message to say they were going they were already long gone.

I’d imagine that a place with a “huge fireworks display” would also have taxis? No way would I expect anyone to hang around waiting for me while I watched a fireworks display!

@Travellinggirly

I think it depends what they messaged.

"We're cold, we're going to head back, so we're going to stay here for another ten minutes then we're leaving... Are you coming?"

Vs

"Decided to go back to hotel, have fun!"

Why did you not just get a cab?

If I’d wanted to do something different to my friends I wouldn’t have expected them to wait for me in the first place; I’d just have said I’d see them back at the hotel later. I mean, I’m assuming this wasn’t a city break in Bogotá or something.

The last paragraph here hits the nail on the head really. They started the night seeming really up for it, saying how lucky we were to unknowingly have ended up being here for this big festival, seemed in party spirit, we bought the props that everyone has etc. , joined in street dancing but as soon as we got in to the centre they completely wussed out. I’m the first to admit these aren’t the most lively of my friends - more likely to head to a coffee shop on holiday than a bar! I do find it frustrating they don’t let their hair down more and embrace these experiences.

Absolutely impossible. Streets were closed to cars and crowds everywhere. Also bad phone signal.

Yanbu

The 'exciting' types like you always seem to have strong personalities that sweep the group along. They might not have wanted any of it and took the opportunity of you walking away to quickly go home!

If this happens constantly you're probably better off holidaying with different friends. Personally I don't see the inherent appeal of 'lively' places, noise, crowds etc over quieter things. Why is a bar more superior to a coffee shop? Whichever I prefer depends on my mood, but I've gained much more from, say a quiet detour down a less-visited side street than just joining in with the rest of the crowd. Especially as sooo many people just have their phones out blocking the view these days 😡

This post summed up what I suspected the problem was all along.

Nor me!

which is?

You separated yourself from the group. There was always a good chance you wouldn’t be able to reconnect in the crowds. Your friends aren’t at fault for that.

they also aren’t at fault for having different feelings about the crowds. It doesn’t make them flawed people that they weren’t enjoying this particular experience. People enjoy different things and this experience wasn’t for them. Your posts come across as very judgmental and that you are better than them because of how you interpreted the event.

They said they were uncomfortable. You choose to stay. You can't expect them to stay where they are uncomfortable to save you discomfort.

If you go on a group trip and want to have the protection of company, then you stay together.

I'd more than likely be one of the two that headed home early, but I don't think the others did much wrong as they did let you know they were heading home. They probably assumed you were enjoying it and wanted to savour the atmosphere.

It feels more like you need a different set of friends to go away with as you don't seem very in sync with this group. There's few things I hate more than someone trying to cajole me into doing things I feel uncomfortable with or staying out later than I want.

What a princess. Did you get back safely? Well then.

You're a grown adult and said you wanted to go ahead, you had a phone (therefore Google maps). I don't see the issue.

On a group trip, you go with the majority whether it’s what you want or not. I think you were being selfish and also unreasonable to expect someone to have stayed with you.

I’d have stayed with you as I wouldn’t leave someone alone, but I’d have been pissed off with you.

That you are really mad at them for not wanting to do the same thing that you wanted to and you are more disappointed that they didn’t want to join you than you are that you had to walk home by yourself.

I suspected it from your OP, but waited until you said it before commenting in case I was wrong.

Honestly, you probably should have just lead with that, you probably would have received more commiseration. We’ve all traveled with groups that haven’t lived up to our expectations. Which is why if I travel with others it’s only those who I feel comfortable with we are either compatible with our plans or we’re ok blazing individual trails.

It also sounds like you may have other things that you’re not in sync with this group of friends. That’s ok! I’d rather be at a bar vs. a coffee shop. But I’m also not going to go out of my way to hold a grudge that we have different interests.

No one was in the wrong here. People were just doing what they felt comfortable with. It wasn't their fault you struggled to find your way back,

But maybe find some more like-minded people to go travelling with next time.

Could you consider framing it as an empowering & independent experience for yourself ? Sounds great to me, you pleased yourself, they felt like they wanted a quieter evening

Christ, where were you, Afghanistan?

You clearly felt safe enough to go on alone, why tf should people hang around, bored shitless, while you watch your fireworks? You’re completely in the wrong here for feeling aggrieved - but completely in the right for doing what you wanted to do. Just a shame you couldn’t see it through and get yourself home through the no doubt busy streets.