Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

What do you think those of us who travel alone do? We walk places on our own. This constant reinforcing to women that they should never be on their own is damaging.

Even when in a group I make sure I know how to get back to my hotel without relying on others.

Well, exactly. How do you think all those Victorian female travellers managed?

Some friends are for life, some are not being honest to your self .I have pulled away from friends who have not been good to know, no drama or unkindness but life is too short x

It sounds like it was quite safe to be on your own and it was your decision. People travel the world on their own all the time, so if I had been one of your friends I wouldn’t have worried about leaving you. The majority decision was to go home so you either follow or accept you’re out on your own. Sorry op, I think YABU

You could have messaged them to ask them to wait until you caught up with them. That way you wouldn't have been left alone.

This is tough!
If I was the person being left I’d be upset, and there’s no way I’d have found my way back alone!… I have such poor navigational skill…
However my fear would’ve stopped me from leaving the group, I’d have encouraged them to get closer but not left them for fear of being separated!

I can also see the groups point of view… I’d hate to be stood in a crowed street, probably being pushed and shoved.. if someone suggested leaving I’d jump at the chance, I certainly wouldn’t volunteer to stay behind on my own waiting for you.. I’d be worried about you but not enough to put myself in danger when it was your decision to clear off alone.
they text you… you weren’t able to leave to rejoin them…. But that isn’t their issue, they might not have even appreciated how hard it was for you to leave… as far as they’re concerned they let you know they were going back and that was the end of their responsibility to you… they didn’t want to stay, and were likely pissed off that you went off alone.
You need to organise / attend a meet up, otherwise they’re going to stop inviting you to things and you’ll be really upset then!
lesson learnt .. don’t leave the group

They are not friends, friends would go with you if it was something you really wanted to see.

Aquintences at best.
If you choose to continue see them, at least understanding of their relationship with you will help.

I love my friends dearly but if proving my friendship involved staying out in a busy crowd past midnight to watch some fireworks , then I'd need to be counted out.

I would be happy with some sort of workaround such as finding a rooftop bar near the hotel to enjoy them from, but it doesn't sound like this was the purpose of the trip more a coincidence that this festival was on when they were there.

It's rather telling that out of 6 other people nobody else wanted to watch the fireworks in the OPs location. It suggests either it genuinely was busy enough to have made people feel uncomfortable, or nobody else was that bothered about seeing them.

You wanted to see the fireworks, you saw the fireworks, I don't see what the problem is? Why do you need anyone to go with you? You're a grown woman. Chat with people around you. Get a taxi back... who cares if they were there or not?

So they're not friends because they wouldn't do what op wants.. does op not doing what they want make her 'not a friend' too then?

Exactly this. You’re a grown woman. You clearly got home safe and well. What’s the issue?! Stop expecting everyone to do what you would do and you’ll find yourself a lot happier and not feeling disappointed. Don’t holiday with them again, they clearly don’t have the same interests as you!

I think you had every right to want to stay out and watch the fireworks and they had every right to go back to the hotel. If you weren't comfortable being on your own in a 'foreign country' then that's on you and you should have stayed with the group. It's not their responsibility to help you remain in your comfort zone. I would have done the same as you - watched and enjoyed the fireworks and I would probably have felt slightly disappointed that no one else wanted to, but I don't think you have a right to resent them for not staying with you or 'looking after you.' Ultimately your desire to watch the fireworks was stronger than your need to stay with the group and that's fine.

1. Ops wording was they "started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back" - "Very uncomfortable" is only your overly exaggerated extrapolation from that.

4.If your point contradicts itself its not an argument

All the rest is hindsight none of which the friends would have known at the time. The fact OP might not have got a message doesnt mean it wasn't still cunty not to have sent one.

If they wanted to leave they should have said before OP walked away. Instead they spent all night saying how much they wanted to watch the fireworks and even when OP left they were still saying they wanted to stay and watch them just from further away.

You don't get to be so pathetic that being in a crowd makes you feel too scared to stay and watch something you apparently have been looking forward all day despite being with several friends but at the same time think it's okay to leave one person not only in the crowded area but to then find their way home alone.

They are crap friends not just because they are boring and flaky but because they're selfish and uncaring.

If they wanted to leave they should have said before OP walked away

The OP should never have walked away. Majority rules on group getaways. If one person wants to do their own thing, they absolutely should do it on their own.

The friends didn’t expect the crowds. Neither did the OP by what she wrote. The others are not obliged to wait for the OP who didn’t want to stay with them and made the decision to go further on her own. . She isn’t their teenage daughter.

They are not crap friends. They aren’t good travelling companions for the OP. The OP was the difficult one here and sees herself as much more adventurous and capable as demonstrated in her subsequent posts.

Fair enough but would you also leave them on their own to walk back to the place you are all staying in a strange city late at night?

I wouldnt, whether they were my friends or not!

You don't get to be so pathetic that being in a crowd makes you feel too scared to stay and watch something you apparently have been looking forward all day despite being with several friends but at the same time think it's okay to leave one person not only in the crowded area but to then find their way home alone.

Surely this applies to OP too?

She was brave enough to wander off alone in a foreign country, but not brave enough to make her own way home afterwards? Instead, she wanted her friends (who she knew were already uncomfortable) to wait an indeterminate amount of time for her in a foreign country at midnight?

Sorry for being slow to come back to this. Lots of food for thought.
Just to clear up, I haven’t made an issue of this with said friends. I didn’t at the time and haven’t in the times I’ve seen them since. It’s just been on my mind as another trip is in planning stages and it’s resurfaced things a bit and made me question if I really want to go away with this group again. I think it’s quite apparent that regardless of who was wrong or right in the the past situation, we have different ideas about we want from a trip away (and this conclusion isn’t just related to this one incident).
I’ve very much taken on board what you’ve all said and yes, I probably was unreasonable to go off on my own. But what I think a lot of people have missed is that the plan was for us all to watch the fireworks. The rest of the group (bar the 2 that left earlier) never said they didn’t want to watch them. They got to a point they didn’t want to go any further and said they would watch from there. I said I wanted to press on a bit further and they said they would stay where they were. Without crowds, the point I stopped at was literally a 1-2 min walk away at the other end of a short street. I had a message a little while later asking if I was ok and saying they were still where I left them. The next message I got was to say they’d gone back to the hotel.

I accept the point entirely that if I was confident enough to go off on my own then I should have been confident enough to make my own way back. And maybe if it had all been straight forward then I’d have been less bothered. But our hotel was out of town a bit, a good 30 mins walk and I got lost. Google maps wouldn’t load due to poor signal and I got in a bit of a panic as I was well away from the busy parts at this point and felt very alone. Not their fault I know but hasn’t helped how I’ve felt about the situation.
Personally, even if my friend was being a complete selfish arse (and I’m aware maybe they thought I was!) I still wouldn’t leave someone out on their own unless we’d discussed and agreed that. And I think knowing these particular friends are very cautious made it feel more hurtful that they didn’t really consider if I’d be ok with them just upping and leaving. It wasn’t what we’d agreed but I guess they just got cold/bored/tired/realised the spot they were at wasn’t a good view. They didn’t give an option to leave with them.
But anyway what’s done is done. I don’t regret seeing the fireworks display as it was fabulous. I will just bury this now and move on but lots learned from this.

Thanks for coming back @Travellinggirly did you reply to their first message asking if you were ok ?

Yeah I think this.

Yes I replied to say “yes I’m just down from you at the front”

Oh and it was the São João festival in Porto. Was trying not to make the post too outing but I guess a bit pointless as the other details given would be very recognisable to anyone involved!

I mean this totally sums up how I felt at the time but the majority of posters seem to disagree and think it’s all on me. I think maybe the communication, or lack of, is what’s been the issue here.

Yes it was the São João festival in Porto! Bopping everyone on the head with the plague hammers and was so much fun! I watched down by the bridge and it was amazing. The point my friends had stopped you couldn’t see the bridge or the river so I felt like that was missing a huge part of it.

I agree with this assessment.

YABU.