Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

I think I wouldn’t have let you go alone but equally it’s a bit much for you to expect someone to stay up later in an uncomfortable situation for an experience only you are fussed about so if someone did stay, I hope you would recognise that they are putting you first. It’s harsh for you to be mad at them for you doing what you wanted to do and not taking their feelings into account.

It’s just one of those things though and all got back safe. If you wanted to ensure you’re not alone in future, the safest thing to do is not go off on your own late at night if no one else is up for it.

Honestly - I think you’re being a bit unreasonable here. You didn’t want to go along with the group dynamic - you wanted to go and see the fireworks. The others felt uncomfortable and didn’t want to, so you chose to go on your own. So that’s totally fair enough, but it’s on you. As a pp said, why should they stay out and feel uncomfortable when they’d rather go back so that you can stay out and not do?

OP.. If I had the attitude of 'never leaving a friend alone' I'd forever be accompanying some bright spark on their personal main character story. And never doing what I want. Of course, sometimes I am the headstrong one and accept that I'll be going solo.

I wouldn't leave someone in an emergency but equally I can't be expected to pander to other people's whims. And don't expect them to do the same.

By the way, if being alone was such a big issue surely you'd have turned around and left the moment you got the message. As it stands, you seem to have remained in place and watched the fireworks anyway?

They did nothing wrong, you said you were up for it.

No one wanted to stay. You were not near them as you were the other end of an extremely crowded street- so if you were concerned about your safety- that would have been the point to start being concerned. They messaged you, which you didn't see/ acknowledge that they were uncomfortable with the crowd and heading home- that's the second opportunity you had to leave as the group didn't want to stay. You're peeved because they didn't hang around a busy street, seeing nothing, until you were ready to go. I understand you got the humph, but really, when they obviously didn't want to go, that was the point to decide if you were willing to do it on your own or not.

It's fine to go away as a group but then decide to do some things separately.

What you can't do, is leave the others but also expect them to wait.

You basically tried to force them to stay.

You don't leave one person alone...but if that person decides to walk off alone regardless of the others not wanting to, that's on them.
It's completely unreasonable to expect one of them to stay, alone, in a crowd, in the hope you would come back.

Also, fireworks are in the sky. The whole point is you don't have to be able to see where they come from.

You took yourself away to another spot and were alone anyway. You are all adults and quite frankly it was your choice to see the fireworks, we all have differing needs at different times, and as adults, it's largely our responsibility to meet our needs. Nothing happened to you and your friends didn't bail on you, they let you know they were going. I don't see the issue here. I actually think its a bit entitled to expect someone to put themselves in a situation they didn't want to be in to indulge you.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country.....

What's the country? Somalia or France?

You weren't at risk, were you? It was a celebration/firework display/event. Did you feel at risk?

You left them first

Tricky, I can see their point of view wanting to go home but I suspect that rather than just say that up front they waited a bit unwillingly then one person said they just wanted to go back and then all agreed. They left you no option to change your mind and come with them - and they were only one street away. Which is a bit cold.

Group trip, majority rules.
If you didn't want to be left alone you stay with the group. They didn't want to stay out. Who do you think should have stayed with you when you were the only one who wanted to stay?

How I read it, the group didn't say they wanted to go back before the OP left them, they planned to watch from where they were (so it wasn't waiting for the OP, just watching the same fireworks from further away), and than gave up as crowds got bigger.

Given how far the hotel was, I would expect more care for each other - at the very least offering the OP to come back with them (a call, not just a message), maybe they could have waited in some cafe or stroll through the less busy area and meet afterwards?

I don't know how long the fireworks were, but leaving one person walking back alone just to save spending 10 minutes waiting as a group isn't good co-travelling etiquette.

they were being unreasonable to have not just said when you temporarily separated 'no we want to go back.' Let's be honest, they knew then they weren't going to just be standing in a crowded street in the middle of the night not able to see anything for an hour or so - they were clearly wanting to go back to the hotel before you'd even separated. So they should have been upfront with you or messaged you as soon as they "decided" to say they wanted to go, were you coming back with them? Not waited until it was too late for you to get back. If they felt unsafe in a group because of the crowds it's really unpleasant of them to think you being alone in said crowds AND having to walk back alone late at night is an okay thing to do.

However it's also unreasonable to expect them to do something none of them didn't want to do just because you did. If they had said at the time they didn't want to stay, would you still have gone on your own?

you know each other from the school gate?

Yes exactly this.
when they messaged to say they were going back it wasn’t an option at that point for me to realistically get out quickly and go with them.

I think you are the one who chose to go off on your own OP! I am not good with crowds so I can imagine how the others were feeling. Whether your friends were "out there" in the crowd where you'd never find them, or back at the hotel, what's the difference?

It was your choice. The others made it clear that they didn't want to be there.

Yes I suspect this is exactly what happened. I think it would have been a lot better all round if they’d just said at the point I left them that they wanted to go back. But it was left that they were watching fireworks from where they’d stopped and I’d go back to that point and find them after. No one voiced about not wanting to watch fireworks or wanting to go back. I think issue arose when area they had stopped at started to get busier.

Perhaps they were annoyed you headed off on your own and didn't stay with the group. You went as a group, you stay as a group. You didn't want to do that so you can't be pissed they didn't wait about

You'd already gone off on your own, and as it was getting busier it would have been difficult for you to all find each other anyway! If you'd stayed with them they still would have wanted to go back, and you would probably be annoyed about that too (because I would!).
I'd have wanted to see the fireworks too, and if the rest of the group didn't I'd probably just have told them I'd meet them back at the hotel later anyway and to text me if there were any change of plans (which your lot did!)

I think location makes a difference. Eg the bastille day fireworks in Paris would be fine to walk back from alone. A more dangerous location, not so much. But I do think you should have gone with the majority if worried.

When I went to bastille day, I was so put off by the crowds, that we walked back from the Eiffel Tower to a less central location where we would still have a view but not be in the thick of things. It’s ok to change your mind.

You’re saying you couldn’t have got to them in time but also that your weren’t that far away from them and they could have waited for you? When they said they were leaving did you reply and ask them to meet you somewhere quieter?

I think if a grown adult chooses to go off into a busy crowd alone for a slightly better view of some fireworks it’s fair to assume they don’t need to be with the group.

YABU - you didn't listen to what your friends wanted and wandered off from the group - they are not your babysitters you are a grown woman

YABU
They clearly didn’t want to stay out. You were okay to walk on your own to get a better spot but couldn’t walk 30 mins back to the hotel with loads of people around?