Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

I would find friends who wussed out when yours did a bit frustrating. But they don’t like crowds and they made that pretty clear. They were out of their comfort zone when it got busier and headed back without you because you’d already ditched them, that’s not really unreasonable of them. You’d indicated a comfort with crowds and being on your own that they had not.

I think this one’s on you. If you’re going to split up in a crowded situation, you need to be happy on your own. And not just for the moment you initially planned. Crowds make joining up again difficult, especially when mobile service is spotty. You left them to go and pursue something you really wanted. They shouldn’t need to hang around feeling really uncomfortable when things change just so you can do your own thing and them come back to them.

No I think it’s probably a very fair assessment of the situation.
I’m not sure we are like minded. And I think on a lot of past trips I’ve probably compromised a lot on what I’d ideally liked to have done to go with the majority. But in this instance I’d kind of thought “Fck it” and wanted to see through what we’d planned as a group to do regardless of the fact they’d later got freaked by the crowds and changed their minds. I didn’t want to miss out so yes, I probably was selfish. I think though that they could have just told me they wanted to go rather than saying they were waiting for me and then not.
I’ve since declined booking in another couple of things with them recently where they aren’t things I really want to do or spend money on. Usually I would have just said yes and gone along with it but now I feel like I’m more inclined to say no after the events of the last trip and I’m not sure how I feel about going away with them again now. I like them all as individuals but we are very different as travellers. I’m always up for pushing my comfort zone to try new experiences and I’d say they are the opposite.

I’m always up for pushing my comfort zone to try new experiences

Yet you couldn't forgive them for not waiting for you so you didn't have to go back alone?

I love travel. I'm single. Even a small group tour is something I don't ever want to do again (I only did one once, in Iran where the government won't let Brits travel independently). So I travel, with a backpack, almost always on my own.

If you really want to push your comfort zone and have adventurous experiences, you're going to be limited by your expectation that others should look out for you.

Good for you … and I mean that!

I also suspect that the recent opportunity to travel with them is what brought this up and not some weird grudge you’ve been stoking 🙂

I panicked sitting on on a plane with my DH 3 years after we were married because I had just then realized we had never traveled together outside of family long weekends 😳

He laughs when I recount the story, but the fear was real.

Traveling brings out the best and worst in friendships. Do you remember the posts by the poor woman on here whose friend turned her into a servant? I’ve traveled with people I barely know and have been pleasantly surprised by how compatible we’ve been.

I’m sorry this group of friends didn’t work out. Maybe try some of those agencies that specialize in solo travel for the future. You might find a travel buddy!

Quite surprised by the consensus. I think their behaviour sucked. They headed off because they felt unsafe but left you to fend for yourself? I wouldn't be impressed by that tbh.

Not the point of the thread but I also think they sound pretty dull. A local festival sounds fun. Why would you slope off to your bed instead? You could do that at home.

I don't think it was an issue for them to leave the crowd and leave you alone there. It was your choice to go on further because you wanted to see the fireworks. They didn't. Everyone did what they wanted. And presumably the town was so crowded because of the event that you were fine there even late at night.
But in one of your updates you say your hotel was a bit more remote so I would have expected them to say something like "let us know when you are starting to head back and we will walk out to meet you half way" so that you were not left to walk alone in a remote area. Two or three of them together would have only needed to walk 10/15 minutes to meet you coming back. That's the part that would have hurt me.

But you left them. They did nothing wrong here

Yes definitely. Talk and planning of the next proposed trip has definitely bought it up in my mind again and had me questioning whether I really want to go or not.
I’ve never voiced any of this to them and have seen them socially many times since this all happened and had a nice time. But holidays are a big expense and I do wonder if I really want to keep doing these trips when I’m often not doing what I’d really like to be doing. I kind of just keep going with it as I actually don’t want to lose these friends. But maybe it’s time to accept they aren’t the right travel companions for me and I’m better sticking to holidays with other friends who are more on the same page as me.
so the conclusion is probably it’s me, I’m the problem its me! I need to let last year go and accept possibly it’s the end of trips with them.

Also, I quite fancy watching a big firework display in a foreign city, it's sounds really fun. Don't suppose you want to share the location so I can plan? You are welcome to join me there, I'd definitely stay out!

You knew the others didn’t want to stay and watch, you choose to do your own thing, I think you’re being unreasonable here. So, I’d let it go.

It was your decision to go on your own so own it

You were the one who left them to go and get a better view of the fireworks. IMO if we go out as a group we stick together as a group. If some feel unsafe then we all stick together.

even my 20yr old daughter knows that on a girls night out they stick together.

you put yourself at risk by going off alone.

Lol… don’t go out in a blaze of glory or anything. Maybe someday you’ll want to rejoin 🙂 I’m sure they’d agree that you all have different travel preferences and stick to local get togethers.

But yeah, life’s too short to travel with incompatible people!

good luck

You seem more up for adventure than them, they seem to be the types to retire early to bed with a book and a cup of tea, frustrating but maybe go away with more interesting friends the next time

Neither of ye were in the wrong

What’s the significance of being in a foreign country? Unless this particular country has a known culture for widespread violence against women, then you’re just being a dafty about foreign places being all scary and full of scary people.

You separated yourself from the group, and you’re an adult. To be fuming about this a year later is really very odd.

No one was in the wrong. You just made a different choice to the rest of them. You can’t do your own thing then demand others look after you.

You were on your own as soon as you left them to go see the fireworks so what difference does it make that they moved?

Yabu

I think it’s selfish that you expected friends to remain in what was for them an uncomfortable situation so that you could do what you wanted . They expressed their discomfort . You got to see what you wanted and made it back to hotel. Move on

You left them and went off by yourself. So they probably thought that you were a big girl who could cope by herself.

You're being unreasonable, sorry.

I'm guessing it wasn't a country in which you felt particularly unsafe, or you wouldn't have wanted to stay out anyway.

I’ve read a lot of stories about crowds and they can be very dangerous. If your friends felt unsafe I think it was reasonable for them to try to encourage you to go back with them, and reasonable for them to leave. Reasonable for you to weigh up the risks and go ahead, but not reasonable to complain about their actions.

I'm a splitter and will happily go and venture out and do things on my own. Got my phone, know my way back, wouldn't expect anyone to wait around for me. Happy to keep in touch and they would be concerned and try to hurry me back but if it's my choice, my responsibility. Also to add a bit soft of them to go back just because it was busy, that's the whole point of a festival! Mixed personalities, as I can imagine from a group of Mum friends. My friends I go away with are like me, we do things together but if I'm with others such as work groups I'll go and do something I would like to do but mostly stick with them. X

Unless you were on holiday somewhere extremely dangerous for women on their own then yabu. And if it is dangerous yabu for leaning the group.

You are an adult. You make the choices for you. You don't need others to babysit you. If they decided to go back, so be it.

Why did you feel unsafe anyway? Which country was it? Or did you just feel unsafe because of the crowds?