Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

This one is on you. You left them, not the other way 'round.

Agree!

So you think someone else should have felt uncomfortable (staying out in a crowded place) so that you didn’t have to feel uncomfortable (being out on your own)?

Sadly life isn’t always about what we want.

Were you in Iraq? Seriously being abroad is not automatically dangerous. Insisting on going off alone if you think it is dangerous is silly. I'm not surprised they wanted to get back. Once you'd gone off in a big crowd your chances of meeting up again in an unfamiliar place are slim.

I would have done exactly what you did - something I wanted to see and I would definitely go and do it and alone (and harbour no regrets).

But I would definitely not expect the friends to wait for me. I would accept that I had made the decision to be alone 100%.

You made the decision (as I would have done) to stay and get the best view.

You knew the others were tired / uncomfortable, how on earth could you think they should hang around for the one person who set off to do her own thing?

The ‘alone in a foreign country’ stuff is nonsense. Busy streets at a festival in a European country, hardly particularly risky.

I bet your friends were really pissed off with you.

But in your OP you said at least one person could have waited for you - so you’re ok with THAT person being alone in a situation they’ve already said they’re not comfortable with but you’re not ok with YOU being the person that’s alone? Your logic is a bit hard to follow!

You knew they wanted to go back, yet you expected them to just stand there for ages and wait for you?

I'm sorry, but you were being selfish and unreasonable. You shouldn't have gone off on your own if you were so concerned about going back alone.

Signed, a solo female independent traveller who is out alone at night all over the world.

I travelled recently to another country with a friend. I'm willing to bet the country is dodgier than yours! You just split up and get together however, but ALWAYS have a plan. When you're meeting up again, where and how long between texts/calls.

No one planned!

They told you they didn't feel safe.

You didn't care.

The remaining members told you they didn't feel safe.

You didn't care.

You now have the arse because - what? You didn't feel safe? That's exactly why they didn't stay and wanted you to come back with them, but you didn't care.

But they offer compromises on more than one occasion- can watch from here & also let you know they were going back to the hotel.

You choose twice to do your own thing and yet you are annoyed.

It seems like you kind of want everything your own way. Maybe you are a better solo traveller than group holiday kind of person?

But you wanted them to be uncomfortable for you? So yabu. And very u to be off with them about it. Sure there were lots of people around after the show just like you so it's not like they just left you. You left them.

So your friends were not keen on the crowds but came with you anyway, the crowding became more apparent and they felt uncomfortable (so they stopped up the street)

Whilst you ventured on (because you didn’t mind the crowds) their standing spot became more crowded (making them even more uncomfortable) so they headed back.

And you have the audacity to think they should have put themselves at risk and been uncomfortable all so you could fulfil your own goals?

No. that’s not how it should work.

What happened was they put you in your place, respectfully too by sending a text. Yet here you are.

Bit unreasonable to expect everyone to hang around in the street waiting for you.

You had two choices - stay with your friends or go and see the fireworks alone, and you chose to go alone.

You left the group, they didn’t leave you. I’m surprised you are still angry about it to be honest. You wanted to see the fireworks, you saw them. I honestly think you are overreacting.

Sums it up nicely

While it's not normally the done thing to leave one friend alone I think if that friend blithely decides to do what they want without any regard for the general consensus then they have chosen to go it alone and are on their own for getting back to the hotel. You were being unreasonable and selfish.

Personally I would have given you a warning- to say “Hi we really want to head back now, happy to wait 10 mins but if you want to stay longer are you ok to get back alone?”. But I do think that once you decided to go it alone knowing that none of the group wanted to come you probably have to accept that you might need to make your own way back and, probably one of the reasons your friends decided not to go, if there’s a massive fireworks display you might not find it that easy too.

Plus as long as the place isn’t mega dangerous and you knew where you were going I wouldn’t have thought it was that dangerous either.

As I get older I have realised that I hate girls holidays in the main though- too many egos and points to prove. Dinner great. A mini break with one friend or maybe even two- fine. Anything more than that I’m out.

You decided to stay out when it was clear that none of the other women wanted to do this.

They got fed up and left you to it.

Group holidays are not for you.

Why didn’t you get a cab back ?

You sound quite hard work. Only you wanted to see the fireworks - everyone else wanted to get back to the nice comfy apartment. Did you want them all to stand around waiting for you ? And now you are cross that they didn’t? Quite toddlerish behaviour.

YABU and I can't believe you're still holding this against them. When you're out with a group the social etiquette is to go with the majority decision, regardless if it's the one you want to make. You chose to press on and watch the fireworks knowing the others didn't want to. Did you really expect one or all of them to hang about waiting for you? Why would your lone wolf decision trump theirs? You chose to be alone in this place, so you also chose to go back to the hotel alone. My brother would be like you, except he wouldn't expect anyone else to put themselves out for him.

If anyone is the bad friend (I don't think anyone is, mind you), it would be you.

If I were you I'd either never mention it again and resolve to stick with the group next time, or if necessary, apologise for having blamed them for leaving you. But I don't think it warrants you dropping them.

Just to clarify - the part of the group that stayed out didn’t ever say they didn’t want to see the fireworks, just that they would watch them from further back (obviously a limited view but would see the higher ones).
But ultimately I did still make the decision to go it alone - albeit I assumed we would meet again after and walk back together (the point I was at wasn’t far at all from where I left them). I am confident alone but think it was made worse that mobile phone signal was none existent that night and I couldn’t load google maps and got a bit lost so being alone possibly felt more of a big deal than it would usually.

I agree I need probably need let it go so this is why I wanted opinions - can always rely on mumsnet to give your head a good wobble!

This

In the nicest possible way, yes I do think it would be U to be annoyed about this as in this scenario it's not like they chose to ditch you but you were the one who made the decision to go see the fireworks alone knowing everyone else wanted to go back. I've been left alone abroad by a "friend" and I know how scary it can be so can definitely sympathise but I don't think in this situation you should feel like your friends don't care about you, or your safety, but like a pp said they probably assumed you were comfortable and capable going to the display alone as you'd made that choice so what could they have done? Hope this thread helps give some perspective as doesn't sound like this is worth losing friendships over.

Google maps not working does sound stressful, and I imagine has coloured your memories and how you feel about it. I discovered a little while ago that you can set Google to download a map of a particular area, you just select a square and it stores it on your phone for 6 months. I find it very helpful if I'm visiting a new area and am not sure how my data is going to function.