Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

[Travellinggirly]

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

have you completely missed the part where OP didn't have the option to do this? At the point she left they said they were going to stay at the other end of the street and wait for her. They didn't send her a message saying they were going in 5 minutes and to come back if she didn't want to be left alone, they sent her one to say they had already left - she couldn't have gone with them.

To be honest I think you’re both in the wrong, but I also think you put yourself in this predicament.

I don’t think women should be left alone to travel home at midnight after an evening out. Lone women are vulnerable so it’s a safety risk.

however the rest of your group obviously felt like there was a safety risk by being out in a massive crowd and they did let you know they weren’t feeling it and wanted to go home/back to the hotel. I personally wouldn’t “force” anyone to stay out longer than they wanted to especially if they’re making noises that they’re not comfortable- so if my friends felt the night is over for them, I’ll be happy to go home with them. there isn’t really a perfect solution in this situation - which person is forced to do something they don’t want to do?

ultimately for me, safety comes first. Fireworks are nice, especially abroad, but it’s not really a major sentimental thing that I’d stay on later for and watch by myself in the middle of a massive crowd with no real transportation to get home. So I would have left it, just to ensure I’m home safe

I think you need to decide if you're happier doing more adventurous holidays on your own and that means without thinking/assuming that someone else is going to make sure you're safe and comfortable all the time. Because you have carried resentment for quite a long time that the friends didn't wait for you (although you admitted in the same post that you weren't checking your phone much anyway so they would have been waiting nervously for quite some time). It doesn't sound as if you are really as adventurous as you like to think you are - at least when you don't have a safety net watching out for you. If that is what you need from a holiday companion, you should probably holiday with your mum.....(not joking!).

You were the annoying friend. I’ve been in groups like this where literally everyone wants to leave and one straggler is stopping everyone leaving. Good on all these women for not pandering to you. You don’t have to like their actions but they’re not wrong for wanting to go home.

Also it’s really hard to say what I’d do in your situation as it’s unlikely I’d end up being the one that wants to stay out longer than anyone else.

If I were your friends and desperately wanted to go home whilst you went off by yourself, I would have tried to call and message you to let you know that I need to leave and failing that, check if someone was available to meet you and take you home (eg your partner). But if it’s in the middle of the night, in a massive crowd, I can’t find you, you’re not answering your phone, you’re in a foreign country and no one else is on hand to collect you etc - how long do you want me to give to wait for you? Ultimately if I’m by myself waiting for a friend who’s swanned off somewhere by themselves, we’re both in a vulnerable situation

1. They were very uncomfortable with the crowds that gathered.
2. The OP said she wasn't checking her phone.
3. The phone reception was poor.
4. The OP had left her friends in no doubt that she was 'capable' and 'adventurous' enough to go on her own provided her friends stayed close nearby as her safety net
5. The OP said even if she had read their message, she wouldn't have been able to make her way back to them.
6. The friends would have ended up waiting, without getting a reply from the OP, for potentially hours until she made her way back to them.

I’ve been in this situation before. There were three of us.

we were in a big city abroad clubbing. I had not been feeling well all trip. Was due an op when I was home.

I specifically said on a fair few occasions that night I wanted to go home.

one really wanted to stay the other also wanted to leave.

the one who wanted to stay keep forcing us to stay out.

anyway, after a while I walk off and left. I was done and was not staying out against my will.

once I approached a taxi, friend number two was behind me. She had also left.

a few hours later friend who we left storms in the room absolutely furious we left her.

still to do this day I stand my ground and say I would not of done anything differently. I was sick, she knew. And I had mentioned I wanted to leave on various occasions. So I did.

friend number two leaving had nothing to do with me.

Your friends felt unsafe on the streets, even in a group, so they acted to ensure their safety. You were included, but you turned down two chances to stay with them.

You felt safer on the streets, although less so on your own, but you chose to prioritise seeing the spectacle over ensuring your safety.

You think they should have ignored their own feelings of vulnerability and risk in order to prevent you from feeling vulnerable or at risk. That's wholly unreasonable. They're not your unpaid bodyguards, ffs! Hire professionals next time.

I must admit: I do love the supposed exciting atmosphere . It kinda reminds me of that novel The Celestine Prophesy where ' we' re supposed to go it alone' to discover our true ,Authentic selves and not be codependent. All learnt from extensive travel..........

Jeez that takes me back twenty five years! My copy was all thumbed from trying to re-read the "wise" words. Looking back wasn't it a complete pile of shite.

You wanted to watch the fireworks and they had previously said they were uncomfortable. If the country was safe enough to visit in the first place then it was safe enough for you to walk back to the hotel through streets that were evidently full of people.

The others in the group weren't comfortable going into the crowd, but you were determined to go on alone anyway. You were fully aware of the others feelings but were determined to carry on regardless. It is unreasonable to expect others to put themselves at risk just because you choose to.

100% agree with you op. You wait and make sure your back safe.

I think they could have at least made an effort to stay out at least one of them anyways as was that not the point of going out in the first place? To then change thier minds last min is unfair. I have been "left" and it isn't a nice feeling and also find it normally depends on the person not the situation to who they happy to leave behind. They clearly not good friends or company.

There's nothing worse than going away with a group of people who make plans that you're looking forward to who then bail, because shock horror, there's other people there. The plan was to go and see the fireworks, absolutely someone should have stayed with you if not all the remaining group. I wouldn't want to go away with them either. YANBU

Morning 🤗, I get the whole "majority rules" but I think they should have rang you and tbh made sure you didn't walk home alone. Yes we're all adults but we need to be protective too x

So basically "me, me, me".

I'd take the view as adults everyone had the right to decide what they want to do. So by going out further, you're doing that on the basis you're happy to go out alone.

That being said, would I leave my friend behind.. Probably not, but then I'd be annoyed that I was forced to stay to wait for them. 😂 As I too hate crowds.

She was part of the group and had every right to have her feelings considered. They went out as a group for a specific purpose and they should have honoured that even if just one person wanted to stay out and see the plan through. Its not like she dragged them somewhere they didn't want or plan to go. It's called considering everyone's feelings and not excluding someone because it doesn't fit your wants. If anyone is me me me, it's the group or whoever started to moan about the crowds in the first place! Don't like crowds? Don't make plans to go somewhere it's going to be crowded.

I don't get it. You wanted to see the fireworks, so you went to see the fireworks. Then you joined your friends back at the hotel, which was really quite close by...what's the problem? You're making a negative experience out of something that you really should just be pleased about.

You did what you wanted to do and no one held your hand cos you're a grown ass woman, who makes her own decisions. Congratulations 🎊

This.
I would feel obliged to wait for my friend but would feel very annoyed inside.

God, they sound so flakey! Crowds? Too many people? They went to the street with every intention of seeing the fireworks, then turned back. You need new friends people like me who would have climbed the bridge with you to see the fireworks.

You decided to go it alone so its kind of on you I feel.
As one of the friends, I would probably have messaged to say we are heading back to the hotel and give you the option to walk back with us though.

I agree. They sound very unadventurous.