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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girls trip abroad - who was in the wrong?

433 replies

Travellinggirly · 05/02/2024 20:35

This happened last year but I’ve realised it has been bothering me ever since and has made me pull back from this particular group of friends so wanted to get some opinions.

So group of Mums went on a trip abroad. This is a longstanding friendship group but one that don’t really see each other that regularly (some individuals see more of each other than others but as a group it’s more special occasions and occasional weekends away).

Anyway on one of the nights there was a big local festival taking place, culminating in a huge fireworks display (think a smaller London NYE set off a bridge to music). Two of the group bailed out early in the evening as felt the streets were getting too busy. Remaining four stayed out and later started to head down to where fireworks were happening. But then as we got nearer some of this group also started making noises about the crowds and wanting to hang back. Decided to go no further. I personally really wanted to see the display as had heard it was meant to be amazing and the spot we had stopped at wasn’t far away from where we needed to be - they had basically stopped at one end of a street and we needed to be the other end but from where we were we couldn’t see the bridge at all.

So I basically said I wanted to carry on so I could see them - no one else wanted to come with me so agreed I would go and they would stay where they were. But then at some point whilst waiting for the fireworks to start I got a message to say it had started to get too busy where they were so they had also headed back to hotel. So basically I was left out alone in a foreign country about half an hours walk from our hotel (probably almost 1am by time I got back).

I think they knew I was upset the next day but I decided not to make an issue out of it and ruin the rest of the trip. The person I was sharing a room with though I did say briefly say to that I was pissed off they left me alone but she basically said it was my decision to stay out.

AIBU to think you don’t leave one friend out on their own in a foreign country and maybe at least one person could have stayed to make sure I got home ok? Or was I being difficult wanting to stay out when clearly no one else did and I should have just left when they did regardless if I wanted to see the fireworks? In my opinion though it would have been such a shame to miss them (and they were amazing). But now I’m left feeling like these aren’t real friends and I’ve started finding excuses to bail out of some of the get togethers. Thanks in advance for any views on this!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 06/02/2024 22:51

I think you're quite right. They aren't the sort of people to go on holiday with. Its unfortunate that not a single one of them wanted to see the fireworks. I wouldn't bother booking any more holidays with them, or if you do, then manage your expectations a bit more

Universalsnail · 06/02/2024 22:57

Depends. If they text you to say they were going to go back to the hotel did you want to come or not I would say yabu to be mad, but if they text you to say they had already left and gave you the choice then yanbu as that's a shitty and potentially dangerous thing to do to a friend in a foreign country.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 06/02/2024 23:05

CaineRaine · 05/02/2024 20:42

I think on a group trip you can’t really unilaterally decide to do something on your own (walk off to see the fireworks) then be annoyed the others in the group don’t want to hang around and wait for you. It would have been nice if they’d told you they were heading back but it was a bit selfish of you to expect them to hang about waiting just for you when they didn’t feel comfortable.

Edited

This! It was OP’s choice to do what she wanted against the whole rest of the group. So why is she pissed off?! Like they should just hang around waiting for her when they aren’t enjoying it.

XiCi · 06/02/2024 23:27

Your friends sound boring as fuck and I'm sorry you were left on your own. I would avoid future holidays with them and just go away with people that are more compatible.

Was it the São João festival in Porto btw? Sounds like it with the street dancing and the props. Had an amazing time there. Great street parties earlier on. Watched the fireworks from the bridge at midnight then followed the crowds to the beach for more dancing till dawn. Such a good festival.

Yummers8 · 07/02/2024 04:10

How many times do you need to use the word basically ?

32degrees · 07/02/2024 04:35

I agree with @Ifeellikeateenageragain

You thought 'fuck it, I'm going to do it.' despite the group.

They similarly thought 'fuck it, im not waiting around.' despite you doing it.

If y

DNLove · 07/02/2024 06:23

I would feel very unsafe being in a foreign country where crowds started to gather like that in case something went wrong and I couldn't get away. You did say you couldn't have left as you were blocked in by the crowd, that's my idea of hell.
As an adult I've seen fireworks before and around have no interest in watching them other than from a comfortable distance and location.id rather be in hotel with a drink chatting to my friends.
I wouldn't have stood around waiting an unknown length of time in a crowded foreign, possibly unsafe street cause 1 person wanted to see the coloured lights in the sky.
You selfishly put your wants ahead of the group and were extremely rude expecting them to stand along waiting on you.
Wind your neck in if you want to have friends, you were in the wrong.

Kezzy16 · 07/02/2024 06:53

I dnt think u were unreasonable I’d never leave someone alone, I went away for a hen do abroad and we split up in half during the day to do our own thing. We walked 45 mins to see an attraction after it finished one person in the group wasn’t feeling to good so said they were going bk while the other 2 went on to see another attraction and although I was with ppl I didn’t know as the hen was part of my husbands side I still went bk with her friend as didn’t want her walking alone. Suppose it how ppl feel. I’d feel a little let down if it was me but I’d get over it but I would never do that to someone else.

muggart · 07/02/2024 07:36

But in your OP you said at least one person could have waited for you - so you’re ok with THAT person being alone in a situation they’ve already said they’re not comfortable with but you’re not ok with YOU being the person that’s alone?

Pretty much this.

OP just wants everything her own way and holds a grudge when she has to compromise. Astonishing lack of self awareness.

EmmaInScotland · 07/02/2024 07:58

I'm sure someone else will have asked it, suppose the situation had been different. All bar 1 wanted to join you. 1 wanted to go back to the hotel as she felt uncomfortable. Would you have been among those offering to escort her back to the hotel so she wasn't alone?

PieAndLattes · 07/02/2024 08:02

They didn’t really leave you alone though, did they? You left them to do your own thing regardless of their wishes. Were you expecting them to hang around waiting on you for what - half an hour to an hour?

AskingForAFriend12 · 07/02/2024 08:15

I really don't see the problem. But then I travel abroad alone for work regularly.

AntiStuff · 07/02/2024 09:45

YABU.

  1. For calling it a 'girls trip', WOMEN, you are adult women ffs.
  2. What difference does it make whether it's in this country or another country?
  3. If it was that busy, surely there would have been lots of other people still milling around during the walk back to your hotel.
  4. For going on a trip with a bunch of ninnies who can't cope with a crowd of people.
  5. For being pissed off about something that was your choice.
LJ125 · 07/02/2024 10:28

YABU. It was your decision to split off from the rest of the group!

cinnamonda · 07/02/2024 10:35

HauntedPencil · 05/02/2024 20:43

I think they should have messaged you and said it's getting too busy, can you come back as we want to leave and leave it with you to know you were out alone at that stage and make your decision

This

cinnamonda · 07/02/2024 10:41

I think there is an unspoken and unwritten moral rule between friends, more so if women are involved, to care for each other especially if out late at night. it is just common courtesy and politeness at least to send a message saying “we are going back to hotel, would you like to come with us or stay?”

JanefromLondon1 · 07/02/2024 10:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

rookiemere · 07/02/2024 10:52

cinnamonda · 07/02/2024 10:41

I think there is an unspoken and unwritten moral rule between friends, more so if women are involved, to care for each other especially if out late at night. it is just common courtesy and politeness at least to send a message saying “we are going back to hotel, would you like to come with us or stay?”

The issue with that though is that the others were getting concerned about how busy that area was and it could have taken OP quite a lot of time to get back to them.

OP had already made it clear she wasn't bothered by being in a large crowd, but the others were so they doubtless didn't fancy staying there for another 30-60 minutes, particularly as the OP would have wanted them to wait until the fireworks were finished and more people heading that way.

mrsbyers · 07/02/2024 12:03

I think the fact you were happy to wander off alone would tell me you felt safe - it was 1am in a busy place , you weren’t really in any exceptional danger

Moonlightdust · 07/02/2024 12:44

This is why I hate group holidays as everyone wants to do different things.
Sorry but I think you ABU to decide to separate yourself from the group when there was a busy and growing crowd which was making your friends feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t fair to expect them to hang back and wait until whatever time the display finished. Although I do think they should have at least messaged you to let you know that.

Plumnora · 07/02/2024 13:28

Sorry you are being unreasonable, yes. You didn't accept the majority decision, your friends compromised anyway and they messaged you when they left.
That said I don't know if I could have left a mate all alone so I probably would have waited for you but I'd have let you know how pissed off I was

Emma8924 · 07/02/2024 14:27

They were unreasonable for all leaving you - once of them could have stayed as you were in another country and it was late but then you could have also left with them. But mostly I think one of them could have said I’ll stay so you’re not alone

porridgeisbae · 07/02/2024 14:48

@Travellinggirly Did you expect them to stand around at the end of a road waiting for you to decide when you want to come back? That is unreasonable.

Danni1970 · 07/02/2024 17:26

You are an adult you chose to stay, they chose not too. So they hardly abandoned you. If you were that bothered about it then you should of made that clear straight away. Not moan about it a year later. Maybe the friendship has run its course and you should maybe find like minded ppl like you

browneyes77 · 07/02/2024 17:46

cansu · 05/02/2024 20:38

Tbh you were a bit unreasonable to expect everyone to hang around waiting for you. I do think though they should instead have messaged you to come back now if you wanted to walk back with them. You at least then had a choice.

My exact thoughts

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