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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off she lied and took a flight without telling us!

215 replies

Authorinwaiting · 05/02/2024 09:52

Daughter is 21. She was in a relationship up until Christmas but met someone else and dumped boyfriend.

She has moved home now and living here full time. She was supposed to be taking time on her own to get her head straight.

This weekend she made a big deal about going to her friends house to stay for the weekend. She made up a whole itinerary and off she went.

Now for perspective she has not been in contact with this friend for ages and fell out as far as I knew. So I was kinda glad she was picking up with her girlfriends again.

Normally she would text loads when she's away both with me and her brothers. We heard nothing except when she messaged yesterday to say she needed a lift home from the bus stop.

I was really suspicious. She was talking in the car after I picked her up
About this fella she met before Christmas and how he invited her to an engagement party with him. He lives in Manchester. We are in NI.

She's gone to uni this morning and left her rubbish out of her pocket on the table. There are two stage coach tickets for Manchester there. So she lied. She's not taking time out on her own and she was in Manchester!

I fell so let down and disappointed. I haven't told anyone because I don't want them
To think ill of her but am I being overbearing as a mum? I mean how do I approach this?

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 05/02/2024 09:56

None of your business. The only point that I would make to her perhaps is that she is an adult, and is free to do as she wishes, but from a safety point of view you'd like to know if she is going off for the weekend with someone.

Tempnamechng · 05/02/2024 09:56

I think I would be concerned that your dd thought she had to lie. As an adult she should have just been comfortable enough to say where she was going, from a personal safety aspect as much as anything.

MythicBish · 05/02/2024 09:56

I think at 21 she doesn’t have to have your permission, and the fact she went to the lengths she did to make up a fake itinerary and lie to you about it means she felt she couldn’t be honest with you- maybe worth reflecting why?
I completely understand being worried and concerned but at 21 she needs freedom to make her own decisions/mistakes

FuckingHellAdele · 05/02/2024 09:56

At 21 she can make her own choices surely. Why do you think she feels she can't be honest with you?

Tempnamechng · 05/02/2024 09:59

And what is this all about?
I fell so let down and disappointed. I haven't told anyone because I don't want them
To think ill of her but am I being overbearing as a mum? I mean how do I approach this?
Why would anyone think ill of her for going? I hope this isn't a religious thing with overbearing and controlling brothers?

Liverpool52 · 05/02/2024 09:59

Why would others think ill of her? She's an adult and can make her own choices.

skybluekitty · 05/02/2024 10:00

I think I'd be more bothered that there was something so wrong in our relationship that my adult daughter felt the need to lie to me about her whereabouts...

Other than that, it's none of your business where she goes - she's a grown up.

HelloSunshine11 · 05/02/2024 10:00

Yes, sorry, she's an adult now and can do as she pleases if she's funding it and it's not impacting on the rest of you. I would be asking myself why she felt she had to lie about it - does she feel she'd be chastised by you for seeing someone new? I'd be looking at myself in your shoes and working on trying to forge a relationship with her where she can be truthful with you.

Offcom · 05/02/2024 10:00

Completely understandable for you to feel that way!

But like other posters I'm wondering why she felt compelled to lie

MiddleagedBeachbum · 05/02/2024 10:05

She has moved home now and living here full time. She was supposed to be taking time on her own to get her head straight.

^ I’m guessing you decided this? And this is why she felt she had to lie?

Its honestly none of your business what she does, outside of the home, I would work on building trust and communications between you so you’re her FIRST port of call to talk to, not someone she has to hide things from at 21.

SnowsFalling · 05/02/2024 10:08

What would your response have been if she'd told you before she went about her actual plans?

peachescariad · 05/02/2024 10:08

It's the lying which I'd find hurtful - I have a 21year old DD, the going away for the weekend isn't an issue but why the lying? Do you know anything about this guy in Manchester? For me it would be a safety issue not a control one. What is she hiding about this guy?

I'd bring up the finding the tickets and just have an open chat about why she thought she couldn't tell you the truth and discuss the safety issue.

IKnowHowToSayMyName · 05/02/2024 10:13

Your daughter is an adult and what she does at the weekend is absolutely none of your business. Ask yourself why she feels the need to lie to you.
Stop being so controlling of her or you may find that she cuts you out completely.

My parents were a bit like you and as a result I just don't tell them stuff, even though I'm now 50!!

shepherdsangeldelight · 05/02/2024 10:18

skybluekitty · 05/02/2024 10:00

I think I'd be more bothered that there was something so wrong in our relationship that my adult daughter felt the need to lie to me about her whereabouts...

Other than that, it's none of your business where she goes - she's a grown up.

Yes, this.

It sounds like you have been overbearing in the past, so you daughter has got used to protecting herself by telling you what you want to hear

Your daughter is 21. If she wants to go to Manchester, then she can. Literally no one cares about this. Why would you think they would?

TeenLifeMum · 05/02/2024 10:21

She’s 21 and went to Manchester, not Syria.

I’d be disappointed dd didn’t feel she could be honest and worried from a safety aspect but not angry.

Hankunamatata · 05/02/2024 10:22

I'm bemused why she felt the need to lie

Hankunamatata · 05/02/2024 10:24

Just re read
'she was supposed to spending time'

Have you been judegmental about her dumping bf and now she feels she can't tell you

shepherdsangeldelight · 05/02/2024 10:25

Hankunamatata · 05/02/2024 10:22

I'm bemused why she felt the need to lie

Because she knew that her mum would feel let down and disappointed? Correctly, as it turns out.

lifeispainauchocolat · 05/02/2024 10:27

I'm not surprised she lied given how you've reacted!

She's a grown adult - it's not your business.

lifeispainauchocolat · 05/02/2024 10:28

Hankunamatata · 05/02/2024 10:22

I'm bemused why she felt the need to lie

Given the way OP has reacted, isn't it obvious?

Heronwatcher · 05/02/2024 10:29

Everyone is entitled to a private life and she’s an adult.

Maybe she felt embarrassed to be moving on, maybe she knew you wouldn’t approve. Maybe she just wanted to go off everyone’s radar, and see how it went without having to answer questions etc?

Honestly I would do nothing, just keep lines of communication open and non-judgmental and she’ll likely tell you anyway.

Haydenn · 05/02/2024 10:29

What would your response have been if she said she was going to see a guy? I’m in my 40s and I know my own mother would be appalled to know I was going for a weekend away with a chap. Maybe she just didn’t want to have to deal with the inevitable lecture?

paintingvenice · 05/02/2024 10:30

You sorted through her rubbish? 🤪 can’t imagine why she doesn’t tell you what she’s up to!!!

SkulkHollow · 05/02/2024 10:32

She's 21. You don't approach it, other than to reflect on why she felt the need to lie to you.

I'm guessing you are extremely judgemental about her relationships and she didn't want the hassle of having to justify herself to you.

Heronwatcher · 05/02/2024 10:33

I think that there’s a danger of catastrophising the safety angle a bit too- at that age I was just out of uni (or maybe in the last year) and honestly sometimes didn’t speak to my parents from one week to the next- no mobile phones and I was busy having fun! I also then went travelling for lengthy periods. My parents had no idea who I was with, though I would obviously tell friends etc and TBH was pretty sensible. Something nasty could happen anywhere/ anytime, so I wouldn’t use that as a justification to go overboard.