AIBU to be pissed off she lied and took a flight without telling us!

[Authorinwaiting]

Daughter is 21. She was in a relationship up until Christmas but met someone else and dumped boyfriend.

She has moved home now and living here full time. She was supposed to be taking time on her own to get her head straight.

This weekend she made a big deal about going to her friends house to stay for the weekend. She made up a whole itinerary and off she went.

Now for perspective she has not been in contact with this friend for ages and fell out as far as I knew. So I was kinda glad she was picking up with her girlfriends again.

Normally she would text loads when she's away both with me and her brothers. We heard nothing except when she messaged yesterday to say she needed a lift home from the bus stop.

I was really suspicious. She was talking in the car after I picked her up
About this fella she met before Christmas and how he invited her to an engagement party with him. He lives in Manchester. We are in NI.

She's gone to uni this morning and left her rubbish out of her pocket on the table. There are two stage coach tickets for Manchester there. So she lied. She's not taking time out on her own and she was in Manchester!

I fell so let down and disappointed. I haven't told anyone because I don't want them
To think ill of her but am I being overbearing as a mum? I mean how do I approach this?

She has the right to make shit decisions. You need to back off. If she wants your advice she will ask. She knew you would disapprove so she didn't tell you. I would rather she was honest personally. Maybe you should tell her you are sorry for being judgemental and that you will try to keep your nose out in future!

You asked your DD to have a break from dating. This wasn’t something she initiated. Sadly you have communicated your judgement in doing this and she is now concealing her actions from you.

Some pretty judgy comments here more or less saying it's your own fault: I read your post differently: I thought you were cross and hurt about being lied to; not about what she did but the ugliness if a lie:

Yes I’d be disappointed with the lying. The fact is though- she’s a young adult. It’s clear why she didn’t tell you the truth (I mean that gently), she knew you wouldn’t approve so she lied to make her life easier and to probably spare you the angst.
It’s a good idea to be open and honest because it can be good to know roughly where they are in case they face any problems.

I think a lot of the responses are very unkind to the OP. There is nothing in the post to suggest that the OP, the mother, has done anything wrong, and nothing to justify the daughter lying about her whereabouts.
The 21 year old daughter has returned home and lives there full time. It is common courtesy to tell her parents where she plans to go if she is away overnight. If she is comfortable enough to ring for a lift home, she can at least be truthful. I would definitely mention the M/C tickets and ask why she felt the need to lie.

I can see why she did. Ultimately while you might have disapproved of what she was doing, you gave unsolicited opinions, and she's concealed the truth from you to avoid further discussion. It's her way of protecting herself.

Please just go carefully on this one and avoid any judgements with her behaviour. I had years of my mum giving me unwanted advice and opinions and then labelling my behaviour as "furtive" when I didn't tell her everything, but I did this as a protection mechanism as I found it stifling to have comment passed a lot ("because who else will tell you the truth?"). As a result, now I don't tell her anything of any note.

It is okay to disagree with her actions, but you don't have to tell her every time. At 21 she needs to be developing that adult independence without feeling too scrutinised.

Perhaps you are a little more intrusive than you realise. I mean this gently by the way; just trying to explain how it is likely to feel from her perspective.

Did she tell anyone else where she was going? As long as she did, she's not been totally reckless.

I would have thought a mother going through her adult daughters rubbish to try to find clues as to where she had been because she was "suspicious" pretty much justifies the daughter feeling like she had to lie

As has been explained upthread, many of us who are commenting have poor relationships with our mothers due to behaviour like this. It would be far more unkind to reassure her that her behaviour is fine or to encourage her in it and to not point out the possible ramifications.

Sometimes kindness isn't always telling a person they are right.

When I was dating in my THIRTIES I used to sometimes bend the truth a bit re my whereabouts to my mum. If it was a new or casual thing and I was basically off shagging for the weekend, it felt more comfortable for me to say I was off to stay with a girlfriend for the weekend. Rather than field a million questions about a bloke who I knew it definitely wasn’t going, or might not go anywhere with. She’d probably have rather visualised me having drinks and chats with a girlfriend than what I was really up to as well. I didn’t want my mum to know the ins and outs (no pun intended) of my sex life, I was an adult and entitled to a private life, same as your daughter.

Edited to add: I wasn’t living with her but I don’t really see what difference that makes. Also even as teen my parents would have no idea where I was or who I was with a lot of the time, mobile phones weren’t a thing then! And by the time I was your daughter’s age I’d been living away from home for 3 years and used to speak to my parents maybe once or twice a month. I’m sure they’d have been horrified if they knew the kinds of things I got up to, which is why I opted out of sharing that with them.

She’s 21… be more concerned she couldn’t feel like she could tell you her real plans… she’s doing nothing wrong here. She’s not a child, carry on being angry and she’ll keep hiding more and more of herself from you.

I wouldn’t be cross she went but I’d be livid about her bare face lying to my face and I’d tell her that!
I absolutely hate being lied to though, there’s no point at all…. I’ve told my DD that whatever she does I can handle, but if she lies about something and I find out it makes what she did 10 times worse!
lying shows lack of respect too.

She’s a student. She’s young. She needs to be left alone to do stuff, make mistakes without an arena (‘both sets of parents’) silently going ‘told you so’.

She accepted the exciting invitation to Manchester because she’s young, in and out of short term relationships and didn’t want another ‘thing’ with a boyfriend subject to scrutiny and opinions.

And she should be able to go away for a weekend, any weekend, without constant texting with her Mum.

It’s a shame her previous decision left her loving back at home, she has carved out independent space by lying rather than just living her life. But livjng her life is what she needs to do.

It’s sad she feels she needs to lie at 21. It’s not up to you for her to take time or start dating. I would speak to her though & let her know you would always prefer to know where she is if she’s doing something like that. It’s dangerous to go meet someone in a completely different country, especially without making sure people know the details of where you are!

Manchester isn't a different country!

The United Kingdom of Great Britain & Northern Ireland is made up of 4 countries. Northern Ireland, Scotland, Wales & England. The op lives in Northern Ireland, her DD travelled from there to her date in England. So yes, she travelled to a different country within the UK.

I stand corrected !