AIBU to be pissed off she lied and took a flight without telling us!

[Authorinwaiting]

Daughter is 21. She was in a relationship up until Christmas but met someone else and dumped boyfriend.

She has moved home now and living here full time. She was supposed to be taking time on her own to get her head straight.

This weekend she made a big deal about going to her friends house to stay for the weekend. She made up a whole itinerary and off she went.

Now for perspective she has not been in contact with this friend for ages and fell out as far as I knew. So I was kinda glad she was picking up with her girlfriends again.

Normally she would text loads when she's away both with me and her brothers. We heard nothing except when she messaged yesterday to say she needed a lift home from the bus stop.

I was really suspicious. She was talking in the car after I picked her up
About this fella she met before Christmas and how he invited her to an engagement party with him. He lives in Manchester. We are in NI.

She's gone to uni this morning and left her rubbish out of her pocket on the table. There are two stage coach tickets for Manchester there. So she lied. She's not taking time out on her own and she was in Manchester!

I fell so let down and disappointed. I haven't told anyone because I don't want them
To think ill of her but am I being overbearing as a mum? I mean how do I approach this?

This

Wow. Ok this is why I thought I'd ask mums net.

I know why she lied.

She was in a relationship with a lad who she went to school with. They insisted on living together this year despite both sets of parents saying it wasn't a great idea.

She decided a couple months in that they were incompatible for all the reasons both sets of parents pointed out. (No judgement from me here. I'd paid the rent for the year already so told her to come home
No problem. She wouldn't because we live in the country and it's a pain getting to Belfast for Uni.

At this point she met someone else and ran both relationships concurrently. I did say I felt that was really poor behaviour but it was her life and she had to make the decisions.

After Christmas she decided to dump the live in boyfriend and move home. Allowing him to stay in their student accommodation they shared.

We were happy to have her here it's her home after all. She's a student so there is no financial implications for her living here either. No problem.

However I asked her to consider giving herself a chance to get over the relationship before diving head first into another one.

She told me the Manchester lad ( from belfast but in uni at Manchester) was away back and she would spend the time getting her head straight.

I'm disappointed. I can see her diving into another relationship head first full on. She had a part time job up until two weeks ago. Working in a shop in town. She's given it up. Because she wanted the extra time to study.

Was it because she wants to spend weekends in Manchester? Am I going to be asked to subsidise her now she has no job?

Im not a mum who tells her what's to do. But I felt her running two lads side by side was wrong. So we argued about that.

That's why she lied about the weekend.

You sound a bit like my mother when I was that age. When I was at uni I once went to Edinburgh without her knowing, she found out and totally over-reacted. Even as an older adult in my 30s she always wanted to know my every move. She is a lovely, caring mother but I did find it suffocating, and it was a factor in my eventual move abroad. Your daughter is a fully grown woman and doesn't need to check-in with you. Give her some space is my advice.

You went through her rubbish to see if you could find out what she had been up to?

No wonder she lied

She's a grown adult. Yes you are overbearing and if I were you I would do precisely nothing, because there is nothing to do here.

My mum was like you, she knows nothing about my life now. That's the route you risk taking.

I also find it highly convenient that she left the tickets "on the table" when she had gone out. Were they actually on the table or did you go looking?

Are you controlling and overbearing (I'm guessing yes)?

She lied because she knew you wouldn't react well... and possibly wouldn't have even let her go. Despite her being an adult who can do what she wants.

Something about "she's back home to get her head straight" screams "we have forced her to come back" to me

Disappointed she felt she had to lie is one thing, but she can make her own decisions on who to spend her weekend with.

Are you disappointed she went? If this guy is the reason she ended her relationship it seems a stretch to think she’ll be spending some time alone to get her head straight.

It all seems very intense.

Why are you going through her rubbish and her stuff?

Ah typical response. Drip feed some stuff that mentions key buzzwords to get sympathy like slut shaming your daughter and then "Oh but I'll have to support her"

Do you track her periods as well, for her sake step back

Am I going to be asked to subsidise her now she has no job?

That’s a valid concern. You can make it clear that she needs to support herself.

But I felt her running two lads side by side was wrong. So we argued about that.

That’s none of your business. You don’t have to approve of it but she’s an adult. All your arguing has done is make her lie to you.

So she knew you might not approve and chose not to tell you, so you know what the answer is.

If she wants to dive into the new relationship then you have to let her, and be there to support her if/ when it goes wrong. Trying to stop her by arguing, lecturing or just keeping really close ties on her will just make her more determined to keep stuff from you.

As for running 2 boys at once, she’s early 20s, she’s not married, you’ve told her you didn’t approve and it sounds like she’s moved on anyway, so you have to too.

I know it’s difficult but start to think about how you’d react if an adult friend was doing something you didn’t approve of and approach it in the same way- whilst modelling the behaviour you do think is good so she has a strong example to follow.

In these circumstances I would tell my adult dd that if she makes a habit of lying to my face, we cannot have a mutually respectful adult relationship.

I would also ask her why she lied so that I could reflect on whether I need to change any of my own less than healthy behaviours.

Stop 'disappointing' all over her.

Be firm in your boundaries- this is what we will pay for, this is what we won't. This is what we expect around the house. Etc

Then let her get on with it- deeply unsuitable men, poor decision making and all. It's par for the course sometimes, and most of us come out the other side unscathed.
Don't give her any reason not to be able to come and tell you the important stuff.

Don’t subsidise her. She can find her own fun money for trips to Manchester. It’s entirely reasonable for you to refuse to fund it.
But you need to let her be with who she chooses and spend her time as she wants. If the lack of money means she can’t do those things then she’ll have to think again. But unless she’s doing something illegal or actually dangerous then you’ve got to let her get on with it. She’s supposed to be a grown up!

At that age they need to make their own mistakes. That’s how they learn. You are trying to control her so she can’t make mistakes. That means she’s only going to make them further down the line, so you are merely kicking the can down the road as they say. Just let her fuck up and learn from it.

Your daughter is 21 and an adult. If she wants to date two, three or more guys, it’s up to her. It sounds like she has been in a very long term relationship since she was a school pupil and she is now free to date whoever she wishes. The guy at Manchester sounds like he is an old friend so she wasn’t flying off to meet a random stranger from the internet. She presumably also paid herself for the ticket. You sound very disappointed in her but I don’t know why and in my opinion to paste her private life all over the internet, even if anonymous, is shocking to me. You have even told everyone where she goes to university! I would ask to have this post removed if I were you.

Yes and whether or not you financially support her is a completely separate question- even if you did you wouldn’t have the right to start policing her love life.

It all sounds rather claustrophobic for an adult. She isn't honest with you because you criticise what she does. She's an adult.

I did this. Told my mum I was going to Liverpool with a pal when in fact I was going to London with a new guy. I was in my early 20s and my mum would have gone nuts about it. It wasn’t worth the aggro and quite frankly it was none of her business.

*IBut I felt her running two lads side by side was wrong. So we argued about that.

That's why she lied about the weekend.*

But what do her previous relationships have to do with a new one?

You didnt approve of her having two relationships at once, fine, but not really any of your business

But this reads like her "punishment" for acting in her relationships in a way you don't like is that she isn't allowed a new relationship on her own timescale and instead has to wait until you have got over your disappointment and deemed her ready to have a new relationship

Am I going to be asked to subsidise her now she has no job?

Again what does this have to do with her being in a relationship? If you were happy to house her for free when single, but not when in a relationship that's effectively pushing her to move in with a man before she's ready, the very thing you don't want

If you dont want to subsidise her travelling to Manchester then fair enough. But this reads more like you were willing to subsides her for as long as she stays single, which is quite frankly creepy

Maybe she lied because you're controlling. She's an adult.

She lied to you because you aren't treating her like an adult. She's 21. Her relationships are her business.

She will make her own mistakes. Just try and keep the lines of communication open.

She is an adult and can make her own choices. I wonder why she feels the need to lie to you? Does she think you would disapprove? Does she think you would interfere?