AIBU to be pissed off she lied and took a flight without telling us!

[Authorinwaiting]

Daughter is 21. She was in a relationship up until Christmas but met someone else and dumped boyfriend.

She has moved home now and living here full time. She was supposed to be taking time on her own to get her head straight.

This weekend she made a big deal about going to her friends house to stay for the weekend. She made up a whole itinerary and off she went.

Now for perspective she has not been in contact with this friend for ages and fell out as far as I knew. So I was kinda glad she was picking up with her girlfriends again.

Normally she would text loads when she's away both with me and her brothers. We heard nothing except when she messaged yesterday to say she needed a lift home from the bus stop.

I was really suspicious. She was talking in the car after I picked her up
About this fella she met before Christmas and how he invited her to an engagement party with him. He lives in Manchester. We are in NI.

She's gone to uni this morning and left her rubbish out of her pocket on the table. There are two stage coach tickets for Manchester there. So she lied. She's not taking time out on her own and she was in Manchester!

I fell so let down and disappointed. I haven't told anyone because I don't want them
To think ill of her but am I being overbearing as a mum? I mean how do I approach this?

Jesus! I was travelling around Asia on my own at 21. No mobile phone or internet... My parents TRUSTED me. And because they trusted me... I trusted them with the truth.
Your daughter doesn't trust you... that's the big worry here not whether she went to Manchester.

If she was 16 I’d be worried .
21 — she an adult. She sounds a bit untidy leaving rubbish on ( I assume) your table but that’s the only thing I’d take issue with here.

Oh god, this reminds me of my Mum. We’re really close now but I found her quite controlling when I was in my early 20s. I still lived at home till 25 but I was made to feel like a child. If I didn’t come home on a Friday night I was accused of staying at a random blokes when in reality I’d just crashed on a friends sofa. When I started seeing someone at work, I stayed at his on a random Monday night and got the silent treatment for days! She actually said “oh you’re not turning into a tart are you?”

When I was 29, I went home for a Christmas with my boyfriend of 2 years and he wasn’t allowed to sleep in the same room as me 🙈 I find it so weird looking back.

I’m a parent now and working dream of try to control an adult child.

Please don’t even make an issue out of this.

She is an adult who can make her own decisions, but I can see why you have a vested interest, having paid for a years accommodation that she no longer uses, and her now having given up her job.

If she wants to travel to see him, then it's up to her to finance it, because she is and adult. So stop subsidising her and she will have to sort it out for herself.

Do people not have open conversations with their kids any more? When my DD told us her boyfriend had dumped her by text after being unfaithful and she was begging him to stay with her (at the same age) yes, her sister and I said she was making a big mistake. Were we supposed to just say 'do whatever feels right for you if he's worth it'?

OP 's DD shared what she was doing re the two concurrent boyfriends, presumably expecting her mum to have an opinion (because that's what mums do) and she didn't like the opinion she got. So far so normal, surely?

I don't see OP as overbearing at all.

She's 21 years old. She can take a flight whenever she likes and she doesn't have to tell you who she's seeing or where she's going.

Also, it was only a domestic flight between Belfast and Manchester. It's not like she flew off to Syria or something.

I'm guessing the reason she didn't tell you is because she didn't want you to make a big deal of it.

She's going to do what she's going to do. She'll make mistakes. You can't stop her. All you can do is be there to offer support when she realises she's made a mistake. Try not to judge.

You need to be more accepting of her relationships in order for her not to lie to you. When I was at uni, my mum didn't have a clue half the stuff I was up to and so she shouldn't. Life is full of learning lessons etc.. we have to have those relationships in order to understand who we are and what we want. She's young, it doesn't matter if she's jumping in to relationships. So long as she's happy and there is no abuse going on.

When I was 21 I was engaged and my Mother hated him - she used to not talk to me for days after I travelled to see him. I used to lie to her as well. She must feel she is going to get some flak for this.

There's ways of saying things.
Telling an adult child what they should do (as you would a 7 year old) is inappropriate.
Being openly disapproving and judgemental of your adult child's choices is also inappropriate.

Voicing an opinion to your DC, whilst making it clear that you recognise that it's their own choice and you will love and support them regardless of what decision they make is an appropriate way to have a conversation.

What would worry me was if something had happened to her you would have thought she was with her friends and she wasn't. I would just mention to her that she doesn't need to lie but you would like to just know her vague plans just in case.

But then I am over protective.

They are her mistakes to make though. She has to experience them to learn from them. You are a support network as she starts this independent journey but it seems like you are too overinvolved.

I was a mum at 21 and before that I would travel all over the place never asked permission or for approval I just went. Wouldn't text and would be back when I got back. I was an adult (I moved out at 18 so not living under their roof and I also drove from 17) I didn't rely on my parents at all and just lived my life how I wanted to. My parents had no idea where I was or what I was doing.

I wouldn't be subsidising a 21 year old who quit her job and cheated on her boyfriend while I paid her rent.

I'd be a bit annoyed about the lie over where she was - I'd ask her to let you know if she's leaving the country again purely for safety really. If something happened and she needed help, you'd not be racing to her pal up the road but instead you'd know it could take longer to get to her.

Saying that, I lied to my parents a lot about where I was. They made me feel like I was untrustworthy and a bad person even without me doing anything wrong. So the less they know about my life the less they could have a go at me about. I did tell them if I was leaving the country (going away for the weekend with friends for example) but no details.

It could be your daughter didn't want your judgement @Authorinwaiting.

She’s 21 and it sounds as though you are trying to control her. There’s a reason she had to lie. I’ve been there myself when I was 20, had to pretend I wasn’t on holiday when I was because my mum wanted to control how I spent my money/ what on (I wasn’t even living at home I was at uni). Obviously I would rather have told the truth but it would just cause arguments.

Absolutely agree with this!

I was that daughter. I was a total shit to boys. It calmed down though once I'd properly matured. No amount of lectures would have swayed my decision making process.

She's 21. She's going to make poor decisions. She needs to be able to talk about her decisions with you (especially when they go wrong) without you constantly being disappointed' in her.

This. And the fact that OP's dd doesn't feel she can talk to her suggests that the dd thinks there's an issue. I do sympathise, I have a 22yo so it's hard. For me I don't offer advice/an opinion unless I'm asked. The way I see it at 22yo I had my own house and lived on my own so my parents had no idea what I was up to.

Adult children do not need to tell their parents "vague plans".
Until recently this DD was at university. I doubt she gave her mum a running commentary of who she was out with every night.

Absolutely. I for one would be asking her to work to pay back the rent on the flat she left.
Yes you can live your life, and make your own mistakes. But they are for you to pay, not your parents. She's 21, not a child.

At this point - her being 21 years old - your parenting job is over. You no longer get to chastise or discipline her. Her life decisions are on her. Just be her mum. Be there for her when she fucks up and needs a hug.

This

Poor girl.

The fact that you consider that there is a possibility that someone would ’think ill of her’ says it all OP 🙄

I don’t blame you for feeling as you do OP. It sounds as if your daughter has clearly chosen to please herself, make her own decisions, ignore anyone’s reservations - and you have been supportive and financially helpful with her various choices. I imagine the to’ing and fro’ing with house and boyfriends has been quite stressful all round. You paid rent for a year despite expressing reservations about her decision to live with her boyfriend, and then she cheated on him and then came home. I expect you spent time with her, talking about having a break from boyfriends, getting her head straight etc.

She knows that heading off to Manchester went against all the things she’d said, and would worry you, for all the reasons above. So she lied because she was embarrassed to be disregarding all her sensible plans, and because she didn’t want to see your surprise/disappointment.

We’ve all been there with friends - friend has horrible boyfriend who cheats on them, we spend hours, days, weeks consoling friend, supporting them, cheering them up - then friend goes back to nasty boyfriend. It’s a disappointing feeling, despite it being none of our business what our friends do.

I would probably speak to your daughter and say that whilst it’s none of your business who she spends time with, you feel that from a safety perspective it would be sensible for her to tell you if she’s travelling far, especially with someone she doesn’t know well.

I get that shes 21 & people are saying she's an adult but she left the country without telling anyone!!!!!!!!!!!! I'd be absolutely raging about the stupidity of it before the supposed to be taking time to herself stuff!

What if shes been date raped/murdered/hit by a a car