AIBU to be pissed off she lied and took a flight without telling us!

[Authorinwaiting]

Daughter is 21. She was in a relationship up until Christmas but met someone else and dumped boyfriend.

She has moved home now and living here full time. She was supposed to be taking time on her own to get her head straight.

This weekend she made a big deal about going to her friends house to stay for the weekend. She made up a whole itinerary and off she went.

Now for perspective she has not been in contact with this friend for ages and fell out as far as I knew. So I was kinda glad she was picking up with her girlfriends again.

Normally she would text loads when she's away both with me and her brothers. We heard nothing except when she messaged yesterday to say she needed a lift home from the bus stop.

I was really suspicious. She was talking in the car after I picked her up
About this fella she met before Christmas and how he invited her to an engagement party with him. He lives in Manchester. We are in NI.

She's gone to uni this morning and left her rubbish out of her pocket on the table. There are two stage coach tickets for Manchester there. So she lied. She's not taking time out on her own and she was in Manchester!

I fell so let down and disappointed. I haven't told anyone because I don't want them
To think ill of her but am I being overbearing as a mum? I mean how do I approach this?

You may think it's horrible and I understand that

But this thread is full of women (I assume women) who have parents who use the same words and behaviour as the OP and many of us have commented on our strained/nonexistent/distant relationship with those parents as a result

We might not all have 21 year old daughters right now, but many have been 21 year old daughters

If this thread helps the OP to reflect on her own behaviours and see what she can do to foster a relationship where her daughter doesn't feel the need to lie about meeting a boyfriend then it will hopefully stop her from being one of those mothers with a strained/nonexistent/distant relationship with her daughter

Definitely your business, just out of courtesy, adult or not. The lying is the key issue but someone suggested you must have been controlling previously though nothing in you post indicates that. I would be hurt but cross too.

I had very controlling and judgemental parents during my teens. I hand on heart was a really well behaved kid but the result of very overbearing and controlling parents was that I often lied about my whereabouts (pretending I was at a friends for a sleepover, when I was really staying at an older boyfriends flat, or going to nightclubs in a town 45 minutes away). Looking back I put myself in potential danger, with no responsible adult knowing where I was and in the days before mobile phones. I also had no-one I could confide in, ask for advice or ask for help when I needed it. I would never have turned to my parents if I was in any trouble, as they would have been looked down on me and punished me. I was really lucky that nothing terrible happened to me.

But I sure as hell dated a lot of guys in my twenties, had my heart broken, broke some hearts, and it’s all a learning curve. No parent should be controlling or judging their child’s dating life 18+.

At age 18 I moved away for uni, never returned to my home town and I have a very distant relationship with my parents. Please don’t make the same mistake.

IDK, yes she is of course and adult. But maybe not the most sensible one.

She didn't tell you because she knew you wouldn't approve, because it doesn't sound like a great plan.

I think would talk to her, maybe ask what happened to giving herself a bit of breathing space for a while before jumping straight into a relationship.

If she was my sister/ niece/ cousin/ friend I'd be annoyed too if she deliberately lied to me. It does mean she knows it wasn't the wisest decision.

Not sure that it's your daughters interests to point this out but have you considered she may have travelled to the UK for an abortion? It may have nothing to do with random new fellow.
Whether she's moved on quickly from the old boyfriend or not is none of your business unless there are medical concerns for her health or she has a history of abusive relationships or similar.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams
It had actually similarly crossed my mind that it may have been the reason too. I wasn’t sure pointing it out to OP was the best idea or not.

I’m less concerned by your daughter’s behaviour and more concerned by yours. You come across as extremely dominating and controlling. Demanding to know where she is, snooping and checking up on her, going through her rubbish. You need to seek professional help in the form of counselling if you genuinely deem this sort of behaviour normal and standard. It’s not a wonder she doesn’t feel she can tell you the truth if she has to go through a piece by piece itinerary with you and lie about her whereabouts for fear of your judgement and abnormal reaction. If you don’t seek to amend your ways, you will end up rightfully estranged from your daughter. If this were a partner MN would be up in arms to LTB. The fact you’re her mother, is neither here nor there the same applies in my books.

The DD's decisions have a financial and now emotional impact on the OP. If she wants to be an adult then act like one. That means mummy isn't paying for your apartment you abandoned because you cheated. An apartment the parents said was not a good idea but still tried to support and are still paying for! it is clear the DD here consistently makes poor decisions and lies and expects OP to clean up her mess. You are not wrong OP. I would have a frank discussion with her that you may not agree with her choices but lying is not tolerated. She could have been hurt and who would have known where she was. It is irresponsible and disgusting behavior for an "adult" No one would allow this behavior from their partner let alone their child.

Why on earth would anyone feel ill of her for going to Manchester (or anywhere else for that matter) for the weekend!!! What have I just read!! No wonder she lies. She shouldn't have to lie to you but I can see why she feels she has to.

OP when you say I haven't told anyone because I don't want them to think ill of her, are you in the habit of telling your friends what your daughter has been up to? I used to tell my mum stuff in confidence but stopped when I realised we had different views of what 'in confidence' meant. To me, it meant it was just between the two of us. To her, it seemed to mean telling my dad, several friends and for all I knew, random people she met on the high street. So I stopped telling her anything, because that was the only way I could keep my business private. Telling her was like taking out an advert in the local paper, back when people read local papers.

If the only way you'll keep stuff private is if you're ashamed of her behaviour, it's not really surprising that she doesn't want to tell you stuff. It seems like if she talks to you, everyone else becomes involved as well. Were you and her boyfriend's parents talking together about them? Because that would piss me off as well. And in future, don't push for or against a relationship - chances are she'll dig her heels in and go against you anyway. Better to let her make her own mind up and come to the realisation in her own time.

I am disappointed she lied

I'd be disappointed in my parenting if my 21 year old felt the need to lie to me.
You've said yourself you argued with her over seeing two guys at the same time - why the argument? Surely rational discussion is possible with another adult?

And as for
Ignore posters who say otherwise, they clearly don't have 21 year old daughters

Lol. I've got a 20 year old DD, a 21 year old DD and a 22 Year old DD. Do they make stupid mistakes sometimes? Yes. Do they talk to me about stuff, also yes. Because I've made sure they are secure in the knowledge I'm on their side and I will always help them.

Well I wouldn't be funding her any extra as she's given up her job, sounds like her bad choices have already cost op money in halls that she now won't be using

At 21 people make mistakes but if those mistakes are going to cost your parents money you can't really complain if they have an opinion.

I'm not convinced people on here would be so OK with the cheating if the dd was a ds either

She is lying because you are judgemental.

@MandyMotherOfBrian could you tell me what you do when they tell you you something you feel is not the right thing. I know she would be devastated to find she had been two timed. I don't see how she could do it ? So we argued yes because I've brought them all up to be kind.

How would you handle this situation? What do you say when your girls tell you something you disagree with?

It is hard to get the balance right, but I think you will have to leave her make her own mistakes.

It all sounds like normal teenage/young adult growing up things to do to me.

I would step back totally but
i do appreciate it is easier said than done.

I agree with this.

Do not be funding her going to and from Manchester, and if she needs money she will have to get another job. I would be angry about that.

You've already been burned with the cost of accommodation for her. As for the two-timing, well it's done, and it doesn't reflect on you. Young people make mistakes, it's one of the ways they learn.

The secrecy part would annoy me but I can see that she felt that you would disapprove, which you would have. The safety aspect would concern me.

If she wants to be treated like an adult, then she has to behave like one.

At 21 I had a mortgage and was a few years off having kids/marriage. I would text my Mum when free around work (probably a few times a week/phone at the weekend). I would be worried about a 21 year old texting all weekend when she should be busy with friends. I also dont think you need to know any of her plans at all apart from her giving you a rough idea of when she will be back (which day) if she’s living at home and you all have meals together etc. She needs to live her own life.

How would you handle this situation? What do you say when your girls tell you something you disagree with?

You don't need to say anything. She's an adult, not a toddler who needs to be told off or corrected.

We disagree often, about a lot of different things. We talk. I can't answer what I would do exactly in this situation as it hasn't arisen, and I very much doubt it would tbh. But that's not my point. My point is how have you got to the point where your daughter doesn't feel, not only that she can talk to you, but specifically that she has to lie to you. You have to examine your own behaviour and approach to understand how you've both got to that position. And do something about it.

This. I have a 21 yr old and a 19yr old. I don’t expect to be privy to every detail of their private life. Adults, even your children, are entitled to make their own choices. I’d argue at this age it’s equally important they make their own mistakes and learn to deal with the consequences of them - pick your battles.

I can see why she's not being honest with her mum.

The money thing, yes discuss it with her. Whom she has relationships with, no, back off.

As long as she's safe and alive, all good.

Mine are 23 and 26.

I would say something lighthearted like “You cheating scumbag” so they knew I didn’t approve, but wasn’t taking it on as a serious issue that I should involve myself with. This is how the convo would probably go:

DC: mum, I had a bit of an overlap between Bill and Ben.
Me: Ewww! I hope you were being careful.
DC: of course. I feel a bit bad about it but it’s done now, right.
Me: Discustin. What shall we do for dinner?

We all have our different ways of parenting, and I don’t expect everyone to agree with my ways, but your choice has led to DD not confiding in you. Overall, that’s the bigger risk.

Sorry quoting myself, but in an attempt to answer helpfully as per your response, adding to my comment......

I haven't told anyone because I don't want them To think ill of her

This is part of your problem - why on earth would you tell anyone anyway? If you have said this on here then I can only imagine it's because you normally would be telling others about your DD. There's no way on earth I would ever share my DDs personal business with anyone else in the first place. Maybe your DD has learnt that you do, hence the lying. And you are clearly judgemental of her - you need to repair this and try to get to a point where she doesn't feel like she has to lie even when her choices might not be entirely sensible.

She's gone to uni this morning and left her rubbish out of her pocket on the table. There are two stage coach tickets for Manchester there. So she lied.

Why would she go to all the trouble to make up a fake itinerary of her trip to conceal the whole thing, but then leave the evidence on the table for you to find?

That makes no sense.

Strict parents raise sneaky kids.
She's an adult and obviously she felt that she had to lie to you, to be blunt if you're not careful you'll end up not knowing anything about her life or being involved at all. I'm speaking from my experience