AIBU to be pissed off she lied and took a flight without telling us!

[Authorinwaiting]

Daughter is 21. She was in a relationship up until Christmas but met someone else and dumped boyfriend.

She has moved home now and living here full time. She was supposed to be taking time on her own to get her head straight.

This weekend she made a big deal about going to her friends house to stay for the weekend. She made up a whole itinerary and off she went.

Now for perspective she has not been in contact with this friend for ages and fell out as far as I knew. So I was kinda glad she was picking up with her girlfriends again.

Normally she would text loads when she's away both with me and her brothers. We heard nothing except when she messaged yesterday to say she needed a lift home from the bus stop.

I was really suspicious. She was talking in the car after I picked her up
About this fella she met before Christmas and how he invited her to an engagement party with him. He lives in Manchester. We are in NI.

She's gone to uni this morning and left her rubbish out of her pocket on the table. There are two stage coach tickets for Manchester there. So she lied. She's not taking time out on her own and she was in Manchester!

I fell so let down and disappointed. I haven't told anyone because I don't want them
To think ill of her but am I being overbearing as a mum? I mean how do I approach this?

We don't know that she didn't tell anyone. She quite probably told some friends (maybe the one that she pretended she was meeting).
We only know that she didn't tell her mum.

God you sound more overbearing than my mum and she complains that at 46 I don't tell her anything. I don't tell her anything because she was judgy and controlling in my teens and early adulthood and the grief wasn't worth it. It's a habit for me to lie to her about anything that she might even remotely disapprove of. My partner is planning to move in and I haven't told mum... I might do before he actually lives here, or maybe after or possibly I'll get my sister to tell her because she won't be hurt by my mum's shitty comment (honestly there's always a shitty comment).

Your DD lied to you because YOU are unreasonable and controlling. She will likely always lie to you unless you nip this in the bud now and stop being a cow.

@shepherdsangeldelight

Or brothers or father ect. All of whom would have to be called in an emergency before best mate 10 contacts down on her phone list who she spoke to a few days ago...

I'd be upset at her lying but at the end of the day she is an adult. Is there a reason she would lie? Maybe she's worried about telling you something about the bloke she met (might be a lot older than her?)

She is your daughter and no matter how old she is you are bound to worry.

Not sure of your point? If someone is calling mother/brother/father etc in an emergency, then presumably the caller will tell the mother/brother/father where the incident happened.

The safety issue around not telling anyone where you are is that if you vanish (because you were murdered and dumped in the canal) no one knows where you were. If you're hit by a car and people start going through your contacts on your phone, then it doesn't really matter if they knew where you were or not at the time of the accident as they'll soon find out.

I think your feelings are mis-directed I would be more concerned that she didn't feel able to tell you truth tbh, and safety wise I would be worried if there wasn't anyone who had a general sense of where she was / keeping in touch just in case anything happened but I would say that in any situation. But aside from that she is 21 she is allowed to make her own decisions, I would not be angry 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m sorry OP you sound really over bearing and no wonder she lied. She’s 21 and she doesn’t owe you any details of her life, it’s a privilege to be part of your kids lives once they have grown up.

This 100%

I think this is very true. She is an adult and if you don't treat her as one you will damage your relationship with her. It's common curiosity to tell your family you are leaving town yes. But your daughter hid this from you for a reason.

Honestly OP I have DC her age and there is no way I would comment or get involved. Fear of your “disappointment” is probably why she didn’t tell you.

However, I do think she needs a job and I wouldn’t be bankrolling her given all the money you already wasted on rent.

You were way too involved in a 21 year olds personal life. No wonder she keeps secrets from you.

‘I don’t tell her what to do’ No you may not but you sound horribly judgemental. ‘get your head right’ don’t go out with two guys at once. it’s poor behaviour’ etc. No wonder she lied. I never told my mother anything and still don’t. I don’t need someone telling me how disappointed they are.

Chill out. She’s 21. If she was married with children and shagging two blokes at the same time, it’s inappropriate. At university at the age of 21, it’s not that bad. Leave her to it.

I would say ‘look I found the Manchester tickets so I know you lied. I’m not cross, do what you want. However, from a safety point of view I would like to know what city and country you are in. If there was an accident and someone asked if you were in Manchester this weekend, I would have told them you weren’t, that makes me look like a shit parent and you look like a little child that tells lies. But we are not those things so let’s move on.’

What a horrible message to someone who was asking for help.

OP, I would also be upset, and she clearly didn't tell you because you would not have been happy that your daughter has left the country to meet a (pretty much) stranger. And to be upset is a normal reaction. Ignore posters who say otherwise, they clearly don't have 21 year old daughters.

Is she embarrassed that there's clearly an over lap of men and would you tell her off for cheating?

It's a shame she felt the need to lie.

As you have acknowledged, she knew you wouldn't approve of it and I assume thought it was less hassle to just go.

She is an adult - her choices are hers to own. You don't have to like them but your OP does read as if we are discussing a much younger person.

Hopefully she did tell someone where she was going though - just because she was meeting with someone in another country that she has only recently met, for her own safety.

I would say that about a woman of any age.

She’s 21 not 12 OP!

I don’t understand why her love life is any of your business? Your job as her mother is to be there when she needs you, not to choreograph her love life. She probably lied to you because she knows what you’re like. My son is the same age and who he dates and where he goes to see his dates is not up to me so he wouldn’t have to lie in order to appease me.

To everyone saying "but why would she lie?!" have you considered that she's 21, recently single and might just want to have hot rebound sex and not discuss it with her mother?

You should be pissed off that your adult daughter felt she had to lie to you. My mother was the same and I lied to her about where I was all the time because she’d go off the deep end if I wanted to go somewhere or with someone she didn’t approve of. Even now, in my 50s, I am cautious about what I tell her. I’ve fostered a completely different relationship with my own daughter, based on trust and support, because I would rather know where she was than judge for her choices.

I think it's a bit tricky. She's an adult so it's her business.

However the lying about it is odd and tbh it would make me wonder if you have a history of overstepping her boundaries, making her feel that you're judging her or criticising her or maybe over react to situations that have come up? Normally lying etc like that is a learned behaviour.

So I'd reflect on why she felt the need to do that. If it's completely out of character then I'd want to gently find out more about this guy to make sure she's safe in this new relationship. But as a support, acknowledging that she doesn't have to share with you if she doesn't want to.

At 21 she really shouldn't need to explain herself to you, except to keep herself safe.

You have given her advice, part and parcel of growing up is that she may not always take it.

I am sorry to say that your initial post here makes me think I can kind of understand why she hasn't been honest with you.

Maybe the dynamic of your relationship needs to change if she's going to confide in you.

If it was my son, I would probably say "you left out your coach tickets, why did you lie to us? You don't need to". I'd probably add something about safety and them not being where they said they were. My major concern would be the need to lie. At 21 I hadn't lived at home for 3 years, but if DS (20) is going out and doesn't say where he is going (he usually does) I do ask and we'll have a brief chat but it's basically just so I know where he is.

I forget precisely who said it sorry but a pp said this - she left the country without telling anyone! and I think it's an important point to clarify with dd at some point when you feel calm. It's one thing not sharing precise details of where she is and who she's with; it's another thing entirely to mislead you. And somebody should know precisely who she's with and where she's going in case of emergencies.

Tell her you know she's 21 and an adult, but she is loved and you will continue to worry about her for the foreseeable future so she can help set your mind at rest by agreeing to these entirely reasonable expectations.

Yes that's exactly what you should do. And then take a step back. If you give her space and less judgement (you might not even realise you're coming off that way around the boyfriend,/overlap business) then she will start talking to you again. Yeah I agree it would be decent if she had told you about going to Manchester but she may have assumed she'd be hassled and headmelted. Let her make her own mistakes although I'd tell her to get a job and she would be getting no money as you've already paid for accommodation she's not using. She sounds like she needs to stand on her own 2 feet a bit