AIBU to be pissed off she lied and took a flight without telling us!

[Authorinwaiting]

Daughter is 21. She was in a relationship up until Christmas but met someone else and dumped boyfriend.

She has moved home now and living here full time. She was supposed to be taking time on her own to get her head straight.

This weekend she made a big deal about going to her friends house to stay for the weekend. She made up a whole itinerary and off she went.

Now for perspective she has not been in contact with this friend for ages and fell out as far as I knew. So I was kinda glad she was picking up with her girlfriends again.

Normally she would text loads when she's away both with me and her brothers. We heard nothing except when she messaged yesterday to say she needed a lift home from the bus stop.

I was really suspicious. She was talking in the car after I picked her up
About this fella she met before Christmas and how he invited her to an engagement party with him. He lives in Manchester. We are in NI.

She's gone to uni this morning and left her rubbish out of her pocket on the table. There are two stage coach tickets for Manchester there. So she lied. She's not taking time out on her own and she was in Manchester!

I fell so let down and disappointed. I haven't told anyone because I don't want them
To think ill of her but am I being overbearing as a mum? I mean how do I approach this?

She's a 21 year old woman and presumably doesn't need your permission to go and see a boyfriend for the weekend. It does say a lot about your relationship that she didn't feel able to tell you her plans. Are you worried that she dumped the boyfriend because she met this new bloke? I'm struggling to see what she's done that's so wrong, apart from lying about where she went.

She's 21 for goodness sake, she didn't tell you cos you're like this 😂

Yes this. Its not really any of your business who she sees/shags/visits but you've obviously been over protective so now she feels she can't tell you the truth now.

That's sad and that is what you need to work on.

@Authorinwaiting I think it's quite rare/unlikely for most women that age to say 'Im going to take some time to myself before I start a new relationship' for a substantial amount of time. I mean, they don't deliberately do it for six months or something. And that's not someone you can make someone else do, if that's what you've tried to do.

She's met someone she's interested in so she's seeing him. That's normal.

Her past behaviour of cheating on someone is obviously not ok but that's in the past now.

Yes, you ARE being over bearing!!!

When I met my now DH, I was 24 and although I didn’t live with my parents, I did tell a lie by saying I was going to visit college friends ( 😬). What I had actually done was boarded a flight to America to meet up with him for a long weekend.

She probably didn’t tell you because she didn’t want to be judged and talked at. That’s why I lied, anyways.

Op this sounds so tough, you can see her doing things that aren’t right for her or others and you want to help her. That’s totally reasonable.

However she is an adult now and I think sometimes overstepping into an adult child’s life, even a young adult, doesn’t usually end well. It sounds like she didn’t take your advice anyhow, so rather than argue with her or expect her to give you details I’d leave her to it. Have general chats with her, ask how she is and comment if she asks for your advice. But don’t try to “parent” by picking her up on things she is doing wrong.

Although, the side of her being an adult that also needs to come is the responsibly. No you don’t have to bank roll her if she doesn’t have a job. She can be paying her own way. She can’t live in your home acting like a child and expect to be treated like an adult. Also no she can’t have lifts from you at the drop of a hat. I assume she is in that stage of young adulthood where she wants all the independence but is not yet taking all the responsibility that comes with adulthood. I think that’s partly normal.

Anyhow you have my sympathies. Must be a hard age to “parent”.

Another NI person here 👋 I think your daughter’s being self-centred and she’s lying about her plans so she can do what she wants. She doesn’t want to hear what you think, even if your advice is good or useful - it happens a lot with kids that age, they want to avoid what they see as the drama/imposition of having to deal with other people’s feelings. They get caught up in their own lives and forget to think about other people, and they sometimes see family as a hindrance. It’s part of growing up and part of the process of separating from your family to live as an adult. Some young people handle it more sensibly than others. And a 21 year old Uni student living at home isn’t quite as independent as they would always like to be and may find that restrictive and annoying.

I wouldn’t like to be lied to like this either, I can understand why you’re upset and worried; if, god forbid, something had happened to her while she was in England (illness, an accident, a mugging, missing her transport home) it would have made it difficult for you to help her. I would talk to her (calmly) about why she lied and explain why you’re worried about her. If she understands your reasoning, it might help her to see that being sensible means sharing some types of information if only for practical reasons.

She lied because you are wearing your big Judgy-pants about her relationships, keep saying how "disappointed" you are and how you don't want people "to think ill of her."

Back off. She's 21, her relationships are none of your business. Stop sticking your oar in.

As for @Jk8 - she didn't leave the country, ffs. She went from Belfast to Manchester for the weekend, not some ashram in Goa. No visas required.

I’ll be honest and my intention isn’t to be hurtful - if you look for problems you will find them.
Years ago I too would be like you and although I know you feel
it is from a caring maternal protective action - it isn’t !!! It’s controlling and verging on obsessive.

Shes an adult she has to make her own choices, rightly or wrongly and I suspect from your outlook she may have made some mistakes and you’re keen to help her get past them -BUT you have to let her spread her wings and fly and make her own path.

From
another angle, if she was being deliberately deceptive - would she have left the tickets anywhere for you to see, or would she have got rid of any evidence? So either she doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal or she wants you to know and perhaps this is the catalyst for a conversation you could have which would begin (in my life) like this - I know you said you were going to xyz house this weekend, but I came across these bus tickets, did you end up in Manchester somehow?? (Laugh giggle) and if you were going there I wish you’d have said because you know I worry about you - you will always be my daughter !! …… and see where it goes

I have a 22 yo, you do have to let them live their lives though. I wouldn’t accept lying but my son doesn’t see the need to lie to me if he’s going to do something or go somewhere he’ll say, he knows I’ll say something if I feel it’s not a good idea but he’s pretty good on the whole. The 18 yo is a whole different story!!! It’s hard being a parent to this age group but I’d tell her you didn’t appreciate her lying to you and that it’s not acceptable. Forge a more open relationship where she can tell you about her life good and bad!

if she was being deliberately deceptive - would she have left the tickets anywhere for you to see, or would she have got rid of any evidence? So either she doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal or she wants you to know and perhaps this is the catalyst for a conversation

or...did OP wait until DD was out of the house at Uni and go searching for clues because she suspected DD had lied?

yeah @RachTheAlpaca totally agree! My parents were strict and I never told them anything about my life at Uni. I even moved out aged 21 to move south to be nearer my boyfriend while they were away on holiday 🤣 Rather than talking to them about it as I knew they wouldn't approve. Shame really as now I miss them but we were never that close & they both died a few years ago. My DD is almost 20 & she doesn't tell me everything but that's fine & normal. We have a good, trusting relationship tho.

She went from NI to England- thats hardly down the road & if leaving the city you live in a courtesy mention to the family you live with is the bare minimum even if its just for safety

@LenaLamont She didn't leave the UK would be the alternative

she's 21, get a grip.

Probably the same reason I lied to my parents about loads of things I did in my early 20s - they still treated me like I was 15 even though I was a fully functioning, well educated adult.

@Authorinwaiting you're being ridiculous.

I think it’s the lies more than the action .

I think even if you argued ( that’s normal) she should not have lied to you . You would have more respect if she had said this is where I am going . I am and adult end of . But I hate lies so my opinion is skewed.

you are entitled to your opinion and you let her know . Now it’s up to her and she may have to learn to live with her mistakes . .

Provided you have always had a trusting open relationship with DD, I'd be worried that there was something very worrying about the person she was seeing.

if leaving the city you live in a courtesy mention to the family you live with is the bare minimum even if its just for safety

When I was that age, it would never have occurred to me to tell my parents exactly where I was going!

Yes she's an adult at 21 but she's still your daughter, I think it's still ok and perfectly natural to worry about her.
At 21 she is old enough to make her own choices/mistakes but I'd want to know why she lied to me.
I'd just be honest and say you left this on the table, why didn't you tell me the truth?

Maybe it was just a dirty weekend away and she didn’t want to discuss it with you because #judgement?

My dear fellow mum! Don't be disappointed, because unfortunately they do lie. Sometimes they lie a lot. Really, there is not much we can do about it. I am speaking from experience.

I have to agree with this. You are totally unreasonable to be 'pissed off' - you should be concerned! She felt she couldn't tell you where she was going. now imagine she had had an accident while over there - nobody would have known she was even there.
I am in my 30s and still tell somebody if I am traveling for work or leisure, just in case. And because I feel I can. You daughter didn't have that security.

She is an adult, you need to back off and stop judging her about her life choices. They are NONE of your business.