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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off she lied and took a flight without telling us!

215 replies

Authorinwaiting · 05/02/2024 09:52

Daughter is 21. She was in a relationship up until Christmas but met someone else and dumped boyfriend.

She has moved home now and living here full time. She was supposed to be taking time on her own to get her head straight.

This weekend she made a big deal about going to her friends house to stay for the weekend. She made up a whole itinerary and off she went.

Now for perspective she has not been in contact with this friend for ages and fell out as far as I knew. So I was kinda glad she was picking up with her girlfriends again.

Normally she would text loads when she's away both with me and her brothers. We heard nothing except when she messaged yesterday to say she needed a lift home from the bus stop.

I was really suspicious. She was talking in the car after I picked her up
About this fella she met before Christmas and how he invited her to an engagement party with him. He lives in Manchester. We are in NI.

She's gone to uni this morning and left her rubbish out of her pocket on the table. There are two stage coach tickets for Manchester there. So she lied. She's not taking time out on her own and she was in Manchester!

I fell so let down and disappointed. I haven't told anyone because I don't want them
To think ill of her but am I being overbearing as a mum? I mean how do I approach this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Authorinwaiting · 05/02/2024 11:14

Ok. So just ignore it then?

I won't mention it. I am disappointed she lied but I get that I've not handled the relationship stuff well so I'll get over myself.

Thanks for all your advice. Appreciate it.

OP posts:
SmellyKat10 · 05/02/2024 11:19

I’d probably ask her why she lied because I’d want to know how I could improve the relationship tbh.

TeenLifeMum · 05/02/2024 11:20

Anyone else thinking “oooh I fancy flying off for a weekend somewhere and not telling anyone.”? Imagine having the freedom to do that… dh and dc might be a bit miffed though.

TorroFerney · 05/02/2024 11:33

Authorinwaiting · 05/02/2024 11:14

Ok. So just ignore it then?

I won't mention it. I am disappointed she lied but I get that I've not handled the relationship stuff well so I'll get over myself.

Thanks for all your advice. Appreciate it.

Stop with the d word. It’s an awful word for a parent to use on any aged child. Do you think not disappointing you should be her whole aim in life ?

SecondUsername4me · 05/02/2024 11:35

Authorinwaiting · 05/02/2024 11:14

Ok. So just ignore it then?

I won't mention it. I am disappointed she lied but I get that I've not handled the relationship stuff well so I'll get over myself.

Thanks for all your advice. Appreciate it.

Did you go through your entire adolescence and young adult hood without disappointing your own mother?

IncompleteSenten · 05/02/2024 11:36

I wouldn't ignore it.
I'd tell her I'd found it and I'd apologise for being someone she felt she had to lie to. I'd tell her that I know she is an adult and capable of making her own decisions and I'd try to get her to open up to me about how she feels I treat her and what I need to change .

ExtraOnions · 05/02/2024 11:38

You need to form an Adult relationship with your daughter, you are treating her like a child. If she wants your advice or opinion, she’ll ask for it.

cannaecookrisotto · 05/02/2024 11:39

peachescariad · 05/02/2024 10:08

It's the lying which I'd find hurtful - I have a 21year old DD, the going away for the weekend isn't an issue but why the lying? Do you know anything about this guy in Manchester? For me it would be a safety issue not a control one. What is she hiding about this guy?

I'd bring up the finding the tickets and just have an open chat about why she thought she couldn't tell you the truth and discuss the safety issue.

Why is the daughter lying though? Could it be she knew what her mums reaction would be?

MyFirstLittlePony · 05/02/2024 11:40

You need to Massively back off

ApolloandDaphne · 05/02/2024 11:41

At that age my DD1 had a habit of jumping from one relationship to another without giving herself space to reflect. It is only finding herself single at the age of 31 that she has spoken about the need to stop feeling she needs to be in a relationship to validate herself.

Your DD is young OP. Let her be and allow her to make her own mistakes.

afkonholidaynearleek · 05/02/2024 11:42

Sounds like you need to get in her good books when it comes to her managing her relationships, or she'll continue to lie or at least hide things from you.

Telling her you're not willing/able to subsidise her travel etc is fine, but keep communication strong to avoid drift in future.

clpsmum · 05/02/2024 11:44

Tempnamechng · 05/02/2024 09:56

I think I would be concerned that your dd thought she had to lie. As an adult she should have just been comfortable enough to say where she was going, from a personal safety aspect as much as anything.

This. It's not for you to decide if she needs time in her own or not. She's an adult stay out of her affairs unless she asks for your advice

Onceuponaheartache · 05/02/2024 11:45

Sorry but I would be more concerned about why she felt she couldn't have an open conversation both you.

She is 21. She is an adult.

I would be looking hard at the 3 fingers pointing back at you when you point at her behaviour.

I would be devastated if dd or dsd felt they had to hide stuff from me. Not posting bs about beeing disappointed in them.

Parentofeanda · 05/02/2024 11:48

im also concerned about why she felt she had to lie?? A bit strange that she didnt feel she could go to see her partner on a weekend :S

Parentofeanda · 05/02/2024 11:49

also why the fuck would anyone think ill of a woman going to see her partner ? even if it included travelling :S What strange people do you know?

TeenLifeMum · 05/02/2024 11:52

I’d say something like - I saw there was coach ticket on the table for Manchester last weekend. Did you have a good time?

Don’t make a massive thing out of it but show you’re interested in her life.

LauderSyme · 05/02/2024 11:53

Not many of us actually transmitted the message "just ignore it then" but that seems to be the message you have chosen to receive. Ignoring it is a bad idea, in my opinion.

You deserve not to be disrespected by your dd telling lies to your face, especially whilst she lives in your home. She will naturally have her reasons why she wasn't honest, but neither you nor us know what they are.

So I think it would be really fruitful to sit down and have a non judgemental conversation with your dd about the whole situation. It will hopefully help you reach a better / deeper understanding of eachother, which can only be beneficial to a young woman today and her mum.

lifeispainauchocolat · 05/02/2024 11:54

Stop going on about how disappointed you are. She really hasn't done anything awful.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 05/02/2024 11:59

Ahhh exactly like my relationship with my mother. No advice to offer, glad it's not just me I suppose.

CatchAButterfly · 05/02/2024 12:02

At that age, I lied a lot to my mum. Because she was judgmental and opinionated and constantly told me how ashamed she was because she didn’t like
me dating different guys. Our relationship never recovered tbh and I now regularly withhold information about my life. I love my mum, but the way she was with me when I was younger left a huge impact.

If your adult daughter is lying, and she’s not doing anything dangerous, she probably felt she has to. Ask yourself why.

puddypud · 05/02/2024 12:02

Why would anyone 'think ill' of an adult woman having a trip away with a partner/friend. Very weird outlook on this, I expect there is a backstory from her side as to why she didn't tell you.

You have no say in how she conducts her romantic relationships.

harriethoyle · 05/02/2024 12:04

You sound utterly overbearing. I'd back off if I were you before you do any more damage.

Wexone · 05/02/2024 12:07

Is that you mother ? she is 21 a full adult she can do what ever she likes..oh god to have the freedom to be able to book a last minute weekend away. she is young and enjoying her life
my mother was and is still is very judgemental. am more than twice your daughters ages and I say I speak to my mother once a month or two. I don't tell her anything about my life really nor does she ask now. we just don't have that relationship. be careful or else you could loose yoru daughter for life

IggOrEgg · 05/02/2024 12:08

She’s her own person, OP, you have to step right back and let her make her own choices without trying to control her. She needs to find her own feet as a young adult, and that’s what she’s doing. Perhaps it isn’t what you would choose to do but she isn’t you! All you’re really doing is pushing her away by being judgemental and overbearing.

CormorantStrikesBack · 05/02/2024 12:10

She's 21yo, she was obviously fearful of your reaction if she told you the truth and from your OP I can see why. I think you're focusing on the wrong thing to be honest. You should be looking at what your relationship is like and do you treat her as an adult and let her do her own things without criticism?